A little humor

[Floorist]

A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven. There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.
"Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral

 

[Nick]

Funny.

 

[Ernesto]

It all makes sense now......

 

[highup]

Life is a trip.......... I, I, I mean a trick.

 

[Floorist]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.
After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,
'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?'
'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'
'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says,

'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.
Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What does it tell you, Tonto?

'You dumber than buffalo dung. It mean someone steal tent.'
__________________

 

[Floorist]

TEACHER ARRESTED
..A public school teacher was arrested today by the TSA at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.
..At a morning press conference, Janet Napolitano said she believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. She did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
..'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', "Big Sis" said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.
...As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'.

 

[rugaddict]

these two really hot lesbians move in next door to me and i been helping them out with basic handyman stuff---just before christmas they give me a gift box---i open it up and inside is a brand new rolex---man you could knock me over with a feather ---i start stammerin like a dope sayin thank you over and over again------but inside my head ---deep in my mind im thinkin----"they sure misunderstood me when i said i wanna watch"

 

[Floorist]

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he's allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. “Cold floors,” he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, “Bad food.” They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. “I quit,” he says. “That's not surprising,” the elders say. “You've done nothing but complain since you got here.”

 

[DarisMulkin]

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.The test results show that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, 'Who wasa the pig that did this to you? I wana know!'

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house.

A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of a Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: 'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem'.

'I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account..

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.

If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'

At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a shotgun, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder, looks him directly in the eyes and tells him:

"You gonna try again."



Daris

 

[Ernesto]

A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of
problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it.

One day, she mentioned her problem to a brunette she worked with
at a salon. The brunette told her,

"There is a way to make your car easier to sell, but it's not
legal."

"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "as long as I can sell
the car."

"Okay," said the brunette. "Here's the address of a friend of
mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will
turn the odometer in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it
shouldn't be a problem to sell."

The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic.

About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did
you sell your car?"

"No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles
on it."

 

[Floorist]

Two little boys are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room.

The first boy leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?" The second boys says, "I'm here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous".

The first boy says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of Jello and ice cream. It's a breeze".

The second boy then asks, "What are you here for?" The first boy replies, "A circumcision".

"Whoa!" replies the second boy. "Sorry about your luck buddy. I had that done when I was born and couldn't walk for a whole year".

 

[Floorist]

An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut, but he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age. The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin. When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years. But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball. The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does.
__________________

 

[DarisMulkin]

The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.' So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives Store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Daris

 

[Floorist]

A farmhand is driving around the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, "Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the bull-bars of my truck. He's still wriggling. What should I do?"
"In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush."
The farm worker says okay and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back. "Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush."
"So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped.
"The blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing!"

 

[Floorist]

Redneck Driving Etiquette -
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.
Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession

 

[Floorist]

An old man is sitting by himself at the Super Bowl and the seat next to him is empty. A guy comes by and asks about the empty seat. The man says "my wife and I have attended the Super Bowl together for the last 30 yrs. She died and now I am attending it alone."

The guy feels bad for him and asks "isn't there someone else who you could have brought with you?"

The man looks at him and says "No, they're all at the funeral

 

[Floorist]

An old man sat down on a bench at a mall waiting for his wife to come out from a store, when a guy sporting a Mohawk in all different colors, red, blue, green, purple and pink comes and sits down on the bench.

The old man in a confuse look just stared.

To which the guy said, "what's a matter old man, never done anything wild in your days?"

The old man replied, "I once got real drunk and had sex with a peacock, I was just trying to figure out if you were my son."

 

[DarisMulkin]

Yearly Physical

During my physical, my doctor asked me about my daily activity level, and so I described a typical day this way:

"Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight
beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, marched up and down
several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of
quicksand, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake and took four "leaks" behind big trees."

Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors
man!"

"No," I replied, "I'm just a shitty golfer."



Kinda sounds like Nick

Daris

 

[DarisMulkin]

Somebody on here from Arizona dared me to post this. I won't tell you his name but his initials are e-r-n-e-s-t-o. so here goes. it can be deleted if to risque.

Clone




The first cloned-to-order pet sold in the United States is a
9-week-old kitten delivered to a Texas woman saddened by the loss
of her pet cat, who she had owned for 17 years. The kitten cost
it's owner $50,000 and was created from DNA from her beloved cat
Nicky, who died last year. The resulting outcry from critics was
quickly drowned out by millions of men rejoicing that women will
now also have to pay a fortune just to get a little pussy.

 

[Nick]

Yearly Physical

During my physical, my doctor asked me about my daily activity level, and so I described a typical day this way:

"Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight
beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, marched up and down
several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of
quicksand, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake and took four "leaks" behind big trees."

Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors
man!"

"No," I replied, "I'm just a shitty golfer."



Kinda sounds like Nick

Daris

Nice to be appreicated .

Played yesterday and the only two good balls i hit all day is when i stepped on the rake in the sand trap .