Odds and Ends

[Floorist]

What 7 states discovered after spending more than $1 million drug testing welfare recipients
What a waste.

"Seven states with existing programs — Arizona, Kansas, Mississippi, Missouri, Oklahoma, Tennessee, and Utah — are spending hundreds of thousands of dollars to ferret out very few drug users.

The statistics show that applicants actually test positive at a lower rate than the drug use of the general population. The national drug use rate is 9.4 percent. In these states, however, the rate of positive drug tests to total welfare applicants ranges from 0.002 percent to 8.3 percent, but all except one have a rate below 1 percent. Meanwhile, they’ve collectively spent nearly $1 million on the effort, and millions more may have to be spent in coming years."

 

[highup]

View attachment 8593

I have a lot of staff.

 

[Floorist]

 

[Floorist]

When I turned 70....I thought my life was over but then I
discovered how great it is to be 70

I was standing at the bar one night minding my own business.

...
This FAT ugly chick came up behind
me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kind’a cute. You gotta phone
number?"

I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"
She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".

I said, "You better get back in it
before the farmer misses you."
Cost me 6 stitches...but,

When you’re seventy...............who
cares?

**********

I went to the drug store and told the
clerk "Give me 3 packets of condoms,
please."
Lady Clerk: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?”
I said "Nah...She's purty good lookin'....."

When you’re seventy...............who
cares?

***********

I was talking to a young woman
in the bar last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut,
you'd look all right.”

I said, “If I did that, I'd be talking to
your friends over there instead of
you.”

Cost me a fat lip, but...

When you’re seventy...............who
cares?

**********

I was telling a woman in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"

I said, "Yesterday."
Cost me a kick in the nuts, but...

When you’re seventy...............who
cares?

***********

I got caught taking a pee in the
swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I
nearly fell in.

When you’re seventy...............who
cares?

***********

I went to the bar last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.
I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"

I said, "Definitely!
Most tables would have collapsed by
now."

Cost me 6 more stitches, but...

When you’re seventy...............who
cares? ??

 

[Nick]

 

[zannej]

Ever find yourself using the computer and then realizing what hour it is?

 

[Floorist]

 

[Floorist]

 

[highup]

Funny and true.

 

[Floorist]

 

[Nick]

I would have hit the book for $4,000 if i played the reverse Hi..

 

[highup]

Would you have helped me out since I didn't?
Da Bears..........

 

[Nick]

certainly Moe !

 

[Floorist]

 

[Floorist]

 

[Floorist]

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank.

In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away. KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards
away, right into a chimney. KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car
going 90 mph, right into the open window. BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said
to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says. "You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the
house so she doesn't get raped!"
The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago.”

jgeraldini, Today at 1:53 PM

 

[Floorist]

 

[Floorist]

19th century vampire hunting kit

 

[Floorist]

 

[Nick]

LOL!