Jokes

[Floorist]

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."

 

[Floorist]

Telling an angry woman to calm down is about as successful as attempting to baptize a cat

 

[Floorist]

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[Floorist]

A man is sitting at home on the porch with his wife and he says, "I love you."

She asks, "Was that you or the beer talking?"

He replies, "It was me............. talking to the beer."

 

[Floorist]

For Havasu

 

[highup]

Box is too small.

 

[DarisMulkin]

Box is too small.

Ya, I told her that to.

Daris

 

[havasu]

Box is too small.

You are absolutely correct. Everyone knows cops patrol in pairs!

 

[Floorist]

That was posted by some cops in Oklahoma on Facebook.

 

[Nick]

Sent it to my cop friends . they got a kick out of it . And yes i do have some friends who are cops .

 

[Floorist]

Another one

 

[Floorist]

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[Floorist]

An old Italian man lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work as the ground was very hard.

His only son, Vincent, who usually helped him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son, explaining his predicament...

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling very sad as it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here, my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.

Love, Papa.

A few days later, he received a letter from his son...

Dear Papa,

Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.

Love, Vinnie

At 4 am the next morning, the FBI and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

The next day, the old man received another letter from his son...

Dear Papa,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do, under the circumstances.

Love you, Vinnie

 

[Floorist]

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[Floorist]

Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument, go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round. His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning."
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a big diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it." "My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures." Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual." They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they all had lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I woke up, slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for either sex or golf" and she told me to "take a sweater".

 

[Floorist]

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney. The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable. 'I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?' The auditor thinks for a moment and says, 'Okay. Go ahead.' Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.' Again, the auditor thinks for ,a moment and says, 'It's a bet.' Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops. Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.' Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk and pee into that wastebasket on the other side - and never get a drop anywhere in between.' The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'Last week, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

 

[Floorist]

Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.


I know, I am gonna burn in hell for that one.

 

[Floorist]

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay..'

And the best one of all:

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

 

[Floorist]

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