Jokes
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John asks his wife, Mary what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary.
"Would you like a new mink coat?" he asks.
"Not really," says Mary.
"Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?" says John.
"No," she responds.
"Would some beautiful new jewelry do the trick?" he asks, becoming slightly exasperated.
"Nah..." she shrugs.
"What about a new vacation home in the country?" he persists.
She again rejects his offer with a "No thanks."
"Well what WOULD you like?" John asks.
"I want a divorce." answers Mary.
Sorry," John sighed. "I wasn't planning on spending that much.
"Would you like a new mink coat?" he asks.
"Not really," says Mary.
"Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?" says John.
"No," she responds.
"Would some beautiful new jewelry do the trick?" he asks, becoming slightly exasperated.
"Nah..." she shrugs.
"What about a new vacation home in the country?" he persists.
She again rejects his offer with a "No thanks."
"Well what WOULD you like?" John asks.
"I want a divorce." answers Mary.
Sorry," John sighed. "I wasn't planning on spending that much.
Curtis & Leroy Mule Traders
Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Hearald-Citizen in Cookeville, Tn.
and bought a mule for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.
The next morning the farmer drove up and said,
"Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night ."
Curtis & Leroy replied, "Well, then just give us our money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."
The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"
Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"
Leroy said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"
A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy
at the IGA grocery store and asked.
“What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?”
They said, "We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."
Leroy said, "Shucks, we sold 1000 tickets fer two dollars apiece
and made a profit of $1998.00
The farmer said, "My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"
Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset.
So we gave him his two dollars back."
Curtis and Leroy now work for the government.
They're overseeing the Vote Count, Bailout & Stimulus Programs.
Limit all U.S. politicians to two Terms.
One in office
One in prison
Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Hearald-Citizen in Cookeville, Tn.
and bought a mule for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.
The next morning the farmer drove up and said,
"Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night ."
Curtis & Leroy replied, "Well, then just give us our money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."
The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"
Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"
Leroy said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"
A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy
at the IGA grocery store and asked.
“What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?”
They said, "We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."
Leroy said, "Shucks, we sold 1000 tickets fer two dollars apiece
and made a profit of $1998.00
The farmer said, "My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"
Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset.
So we gave him his two dollars back."
Curtis and Leroy now work for the government.
They're overseeing the Vote Count, Bailout & Stimulus Programs.
Limit all U.S. politicians to two Terms.
One in office
One in prison
I'm thinking you could buy them in Oregon.
- “Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.” –Mark Twain
- “The taxpayers are sending congressmen on expensive trips abroad. It might be worth it except they keep coming back.” –Will Rogers
- “I love to go to Washington, if only to be near my money.” –Bob Hope
- “There is no distinctly native American criminal class...except Congress.” –Mark Twain
- “This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when a baby gets hold of a hammer.” –Will Rogers
- “Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.” –Ronald Reagan
- “Members of Congress should be compelled to wear uniforms like NASCAR drivers, so we could identify their corporate sponsors.” –Caroline Baum
- “We have the best Congress money can buy.” –Mark Twain
I need a dozen or so of those. Some are sure to get lost.
My friend quit buying toilet paper after he
bought a van with ... a rear wiper.
bought a van with ... a rear wiper.
Oh I hope it doesn't have a rear camera too 
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"
Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, What was your wife's maiden name?"
Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, What was your wife's maiden name?"
Well, he's got the name right!
