Jokes

[Floorist]

 

[Don Monfils]

 

[Mark Brown]

This one cracked me up hard, thanks Townes Van Zandt

There was this drunk walking up and down the street and he walks up to this cop and says:
Man somebody stole my car!

And the cop says:
Well where was it?

and the drunk says:
Well it was right here on the end of this key...

Cop says
... uh i don't know man, why don't you go on down to the precinct house and report it, they'll write it up down there, they got all the proper forms and stuff

The guy says "ok" and starts to walk away but the cop stops him and says:
Hey man, before you go down town you had better zip up your fly

The guy says:
aww man, they got my girl too!!

I can't think of a better way to open a song during a live show than that.

 

[Floorist]

 

[Mark Brown]

I need to get me one of those!
Do you suppose if I got two it would work better?

 

[DarisMulkin]

The sound coming out of that muffler will be deafing.

 

[C.J.]

 

[highup]

I need to get me one of those!
Do you suppose if I got two it would work better?

You need four if you have dual exhaust. You have to put them before and after the muffler. It keeps the twisting of the vehicle from tearing the muffler apart.
.........and I bet you were wondering if I went to high school.

 

[Mark Brown]

You need four if you have dual exhaust. You have to put them before and after the muffler. It keeps the twisting of the vehicle from tearing the muffler apart.
.........and I bet you were wondering if I went to high school.

Mate, from day one it has been clear as mud

Speaking of mufflers... I learned the other day why people wear full face shields and not goggles when they weld. When the safety instructions said the uv rays from welding were harmful... I kinda thought it was like wearing safety glasses while using a hammer, a good idea but not thst important. Try telling that to the horizontal line running across my forehead where my goggles ended lol

 

[C.J.]

Mate, from day one it has been clear as mud

Speaking of mufflers... I learned the other day why people wear full face shields and not goggles when they weld. When the safety instructions said the uv rays from welding were harmful... I kinda thought it was like wearing safety glasses while using a hammer, a good idea but not thst important. Try telling that to the horizontal line running across my forehead where my goggles ended lol

Just wait till you’re welding overhead and a hot piece of slag burns through your shoe and hits your foot.

 

[Dan]

Just wait till you’re welding overhead and a hot piece of slag burns through your shoe and hits your foot.

Or catch your shirt on fire.

 

[Mark Brown]

I caught my moustache on fire... does that count??
One more step down my redneck road, I was outside welding my kids trampoline together, shirtless, gloveless and wearing sweat pants. Lesson learned. Round two I decided that maybe if I wore my welders jacket a full face mask and some baggy jeans I might do a little better. Oddly enough it did not improve my welding skills but I lit less of my body parts on fire.
Side note, there is slag all over my titanium wedding ring... I have yet to tell my wife.

 

[C.J.]

I leave my ring in my van when I’m workin. It already has a crack in it from who knows what. One more whack and it’s in two pieces.

 

[Mark Brown]

I don't do gold so mine is titanium. Having gotten fatter since wedlock it has migrated to my pinky finger. If i can put on a few more pounds, I am a free man!

 

[C.J.]

Can’t remember if mine is titanium or tungsten. It’s the one that will break instead of squish and pinch your finger.

 

[Mark Brown]

Tungsten will bend, titanium shatter. That is at least my understanding.

I don't do gold because my people came from a land where there was no sun apparently and I call Arians dark skinned
Don't call me white, I am translucent

 

[highup]

I caught my moustache on fire... does that count??
One more step down my redneck road, I was outside welding my kids trampoline together, shirtless, gloveless and wearing sweat pants. Lesson learned. Round two I decided that maybe if I wore my welders jacket a full face mask and some baggy jeans I might do a little better. Oddly enough it did not improve my welding skills but I lit less of my body parts on fire.
Side note, there is slag all over my titanium wedding ring... I have yet to tell my wife.

Years ago on a website called Chevy talk a guy showed pictures of his ring finger. He had a titanium ring also.
he was installing or removing an automotive battery and with a wrench in his hand the wrench connected both sides and welded the wrench to the terminals and his ring. Needless to say the ring got really hot I don't recall how he got the wrench loose from the battery.
He went to the hospital immediately with that red hot ring around his finger. The hospital has a set of pliers designed for removing rings and stuff like that but not titanium. He sat there and pain while someone eventually found some kind of a Dremel tool or something to cut the ring off. That is one of the ugliest fingers I've ever seen in my life almost double it's normal size and not a pleasing skin tone.
.......so, just sayin'
.........

 

[highup]

Tungsten will bend, titanium shatter. That is at least my understanding.

I don't do gold because my people came from a land where there was no sun apparently and I call Arians dark skinned
Don't call me white, I am translucent

I'm not translucent until I take my shirt off.

 

[highup]

We like mutts here. You are in good company.

 

[highup]

I was gonna say whites call me ****** but I thought in todays political climate it might not be received well, then I went and remembered that no one here is sensitive.

Got that right! We're not sensitive because in the real world you can say anything you damn well please. Words are only offensive if they are INTENDED to be offensive. If I ever say something that seems to be offensive to you or anybody else, it isn't. Disagreements are opinions and points of view and should never be personal.
..... Unless you are Nancy Pelosi or Maxine Waters or.....
... You know.