I don't think Schrodinger guy was the life of a party.
Jokes
- Thread starter Floorist
- Start date
Help Support Flooring Forum:
Owner's manual
The book you read while waiting for the tow truck.
The book you read while waiting for the tow truck.
Amazing they had the same problems we do.
![MORE Luxury Vinyl Floor Cleaner for Vinyl Plank Flooring - Ready to Use, Daily Cleaning Formula for Tile, Vinyl Surfaces [Gallon / 128oz]](https://m.media-amazon.com/images/I/413LZHZiqCL._SL500_.jpg)
Needless to say, I am ruined.
Or you used to date someone named Tiffany.
I don't speak 'hood', so I would never have gotten the word "be"
One of the nuns in the hospital asked a man if he had health insurance.
"No," he replied.
"Can you pay in cash?" asked the nun.
"No.”
The nun asked, "How about relatives you could ask for help?"
The man replied, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."
The nun snapped, "Nuns are not spinsters. Nuns are married to God!"
"OK then," said the man. "Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
"No," he replied.
"Can you pay in cash?" asked the nun.
"No.”
The nun asked, "How about relatives you could ask for help?"
The man replied, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."
The nun snapped, "Nuns are not spinsters. Nuns are married to God!"
"OK then," said the man. "Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
I am from MISSOURI. !!
Ever been to Missouri?
Yes, there is a huge state between Kansas City and St. Louis and it is called MISSOURI . It has some beautiful large cities and is also full of MANY, MANY small towns and abundant farm land which we call Rural MISSOURI ..Here is someone's take on "Rural Missouri" and it's quite accurate.
THE RULES OF RURAL MISSOURI ARE AS FOLLOWS: Listen up City Slickers!
1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.
2. Turn your cap around straight... your head isn't crooked.
3. Let's get this straight; it's called a 'dirt road' No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus.. Drive it or get out of the way. I drive a pickup truck because I want to.
4. They are cattle. They're live steaks. That's why they smell funny to you. But they smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-70 and I-29 go west and south... use 'em.
5. So you have a $60,000 car... we're impressed. We have $250,000 combines... to harvest corn and soybeans that are driven only 3 weeks a year.
6. So every person in rural MISSOURI waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.
7. If that cell phone rings while an 8-point buck and 3 does are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
8. Yeah, we eat meat, taters and gravy, beans and biscuits, and homemade pie. You really want sushi and caviar?
It's available down at Jim's bait shop.
9. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's like a religious holiday held the Saturday before Thanksgiving.
10. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.
11. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order steak or chicken. Or, you can order the Chef's salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham and turkey.
12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices...salt, pepper, and ketchup. Oh, yeah... We don't care what you folks in Chicago call that stuff you eat... IT AIN'T REAL CHILI !!
13. You bring 'coke' into my house... it better be brown, wet and served over ice.
14. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long blonde hair.
15. The Missouri Tigers and St. Louis Cardinals are as important here as the Royals and the Chiefs and more fun to watch.
16. Yeah, we have golf courses.. But don't hit the water hazards... it spooks the fish.
17. Colleges? We have them all over. We have Missouri University, Missouri State College, Community Colleges, and Voc-techs. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and
Country, and they still wave to everybody when they come home for the holidays.
18. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump crap ain't music anyway. We don't want to hear it any more than we want to see your boxers. (Refer back to #1.)
19. Four inches of snow isn't a blizzard... it's a flurry. Drive in it like you got some sense, and DON'T take all our bread, milk, and eggs off the grocery shelves. This ain't Alaska ! Worst case.. you may have to live a whole day without croissants. Anyway... the pickups with snowplows will have you out the next day.
20. If you've never been here, come visit our friendly folks and enjoy our spectacular scenery... lakes,farmland, great fishing and hunting, wineries, museums, lots of history.
21. By the way, if you want to talk to God in Missouri ...it's a local call.
Ever been to Missouri?
Yes, there is a huge state between Kansas City and St. Louis and it is called MISSOURI . It has some beautiful large cities and is also full of MANY, MANY small towns and abundant farm land which we call Rural MISSOURI ..Here is someone's take on "Rural Missouri" and it's quite accurate.
THE RULES OF RURAL MISSOURI ARE AS FOLLOWS: Listen up City Slickers!
1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.
2. Turn your cap around straight... your head isn't crooked.
3. Let's get this straight; it's called a 'dirt road' No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus.. Drive it or get out of the way. I drive a pickup truck because I want to.
4. They are cattle. They're live steaks. That's why they smell funny to you. But they smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-70 and I-29 go west and south... use 'em.
5. So you have a $60,000 car... we're impressed. We have $250,000 combines... to harvest corn and soybeans that are driven only 3 weeks a year.
6. So every person in rural MISSOURI waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.
7. If that cell phone rings while an 8-point buck and 3 does are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
8. Yeah, we eat meat, taters and gravy, beans and biscuits, and homemade pie. You really want sushi and caviar?
It's available down at Jim's bait shop.
9. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's like a religious holiday held the Saturday before Thanksgiving.
10. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.
11. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order steak or chicken. Or, you can order the Chef's salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham and turkey.
12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices...salt, pepper, and ketchup. Oh, yeah... We don't care what you folks in Chicago call that stuff you eat... IT AIN'T REAL CHILI !!
13. You bring 'coke' into my house... it better be brown, wet and served over ice.
14. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long blonde hair.
15. The Missouri Tigers and St. Louis Cardinals are as important here as the Royals and the Chiefs and more fun to watch.
16. Yeah, we have golf courses.. But don't hit the water hazards... it spooks the fish.
17. Colleges? We have them all over. We have Missouri University, Missouri State College, Community Colleges, and Voc-techs. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and
Country, and they still wave to everybody when they come home for the holidays.
18. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump crap ain't music anyway. We don't want to hear it any more than we want to see your boxers. (Refer back to #1.)
19. Four inches of snow isn't a blizzard... it's a flurry. Drive in it like you got some sense, and DON'T take all our bread, milk, and eggs off the grocery shelves. This ain't Alaska ! Worst case.. you may have to live a whole day without croissants. Anyway... the pickups with snowplows will have you out the next day.
20. If you've never been here, come visit our friendly folks and enjoy our spectacular scenery... lakes,farmland, great fishing and hunting, wineries, museums, lots of history.
21. By the way, if you want to talk to God in Missouri ...it's a local call.
I don't suppose there's a way that I can put five "likes" on that one.
Wrong.
A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable. The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful.
The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone," the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."
"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone."
"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."
"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.
"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."
The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone," the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."
"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone."
"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."
"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.
"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."
A parrot swallows a viagra tab:
His owner, disgusted, puts him in the freezer to cool off.
After 20 minutes,
he opens the freezer to see the parrot sweating.
“Why are you sweating?” He asks.
The Parrot replies.
“Do u know how bloody hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken?”
His owner, disgusted, puts him in the freezer to cool off.
After 20 minutes,
he opens the freezer to see the parrot sweating.
“Why are you sweating?” He asks.
The Parrot replies.
“Do u know how bloody hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken?”
How many times do I have "accept cookies" before I get the cookies?
