I don't speak 'hood', so I would never have gotten the word "be"
Jokes
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One of the nuns in the hospital asked a man if he had health insurance.
"No," he replied.
"Can you pay in cash?" asked the nun.
"No.”
The nun asked, "How about relatives you could ask for help?"
The man replied, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."
The nun snapped, "Nuns are not spinsters. Nuns are married to God!"
"OK then," said the man. "Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
"No," he replied.
"Can you pay in cash?" asked the nun.
"No.”
The nun asked, "How about relatives you could ask for help?"
The man replied, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."
The nun snapped, "Nuns are not spinsters. Nuns are married to God!"
"OK then," said the man. "Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
I am from MISSOURI. !!
Ever been to Missouri?
Yes, there is a huge state between Kansas City and St. Louis and it is called MISSOURI . It has some beautiful large cities and is also full of MANY, MANY small towns and abundant farm land which we call Rural MISSOURI ..Here is someone's take on "Rural Missouri" and it's quite accurate.
THE RULES OF RURAL MISSOURI ARE AS FOLLOWS: Listen up City Slickers!
1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an *****.
2. Turn your cap around straight... your head isn't crooked.
3. Let's get this straight; it's called a 'dirt road' No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus.. Drive it or get out of the way. I drive a pickup truck because I want to.
4. They are cattle. They're live steaks. That's why they smell funny to you. But they smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-70 and I-29 go west and south... use 'em.
5. So you have a $60,000 car... we're impressed. We have $250,000 combines... to harvest corn and soybeans that are driven only 3 weeks a year.
6. So every person in rural MISSOURI waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.
7. If that cell phone rings while an 8-point buck and 3 does are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
8. Yeah, we eat meat, taters and gravy, beans and biscuits, and homemade pie. You really want sushi and caviar?
It's available down at Jim's bait shop.
9. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's like a religious holiday held the Saturday before Thanksgiving.
10. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.
11. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order steak or chicken. Or, you can order the Chef's salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham and turkey.
12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices...salt, pepper, and ketchup. Oh, yeah... We don't care what you folks in Chicago call that stuff you eat... IT AIN'T REAL CHILI !!
13. You bring 'coke' into my house... it better be brown, wet and served over ice.
14. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long blonde hair.
15. The Missouri Tigers and St. Louis Cardinals are as important here as the Royals and the Chiefs and more fun to watch.
16. Yeah, we have golf courses.. But don't hit the water hazards... it spooks the fish.
17. Colleges? We have them all over. We have Missouri University, Missouri State College, Community Colleges, and Voc-techs. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and
Country, and they still wave to everybody when they come home for the holidays.
18. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump crap ain't music anyway. We don't want to hear it any more than we want to see your boxers. (Refer back to #1.)
19. Four inches of snow isn't a blizzard... it's a flurry. Drive in it like you got some sense, and DON'T take all our bread, milk, and eggs off the grocery shelves. This ain't Alaska ! Worst case.. you may have to live a whole day without croissants. Anyway... the pickups with snowplows will have you out the next day.
20. If you've never been here, come visit our friendly folks and enjoy our spectacular scenery... lakes,farmland, great fishing and hunting, wineries, museums, lots of history.
21. By the way, if you want to talk to God in Missouri ...it's a local call.
Ever been to Missouri?
Yes, there is a huge state between Kansas City and St. Louis and it is called MISSOURI . It has some beautiful large cities and is also full of MANY, MANY small towns and abundant farm land which we call Rural MISSOURI ..Here is someone's take on "Rural Missouri" and it's quite accurate.
THE RULES OF RURAL MISSOURI ARE AS FOLLOWS: Listen up City Slickers!
1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an *****.
2. Turn your cap around straight... your head isn't crooked.
3. Let's get this straight; it's called a 'dirt road' No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus.. Drive it or get out of the way. I drive a pickup truck because I want to.
4. They are cattle. They're live steaks. That's why they smell funny to you. But they smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-70 and I-29 go west and south... use 'em.
5. So you have a $60,000 car... we're impressed. We have $250,000 combines... to harvest corn and soybeans that are driven only 3 weeks a year.
6. So every person in rural MISSOURI waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.
7. If that cell phone rings while an 8-point buck and 3 does are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
8. Yeah, we eat meat, taters and gravy, beans and biscuits, and homemade pie. You really want sushi and caviar?
It's available down at Jim's bait shop.
9. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's like a religious holiday held the Saturday before Thanksgiving.
10. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.
11. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order steak or chicken. Or, you can order the Chef's salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham and turkey.
12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices...salt, pepper, and ketchup. Oh, yeah... We don't care what you folks in Chicago call that stuff you eat... IT AIN'T REAL CHILI !!
13. You bring 'coke' into my house... it better be brown, wet and served over ice.
14. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long blonde hair.
15. The Missouri Tigers and St. Louis Cardinals are as important here as the Royals and the Chiefs and more fun to watch.
16. Yeah, we have golf courses.. But don't hit the water hazards... it spooks the fish.
17. Colleges? We have them all over. We have Missouri University, Missouri State College, Community Colleges, and Voc-techs. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and
Country, and they still wave to everybody when they come home for the holidays.
18. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump crap ain't music anyway. We don't want to hear it any more than we want to see your boxers. (Refer back to #1.)
19. Four inches of snow isn't a blizzard... it's a flurry. Drive in it like you got some sense, and DON'T take all our bread, milk, and eggs off the grocery shelves. This ain't Alaska ! Worst case.. you may have to live a whole day without croissants. Anyway... the pickups with snowplows will have you out the next day.
20. If you've never been here, come visit our friendly folks and enjoy our spectacular scenery... lakes,farmland, great fishing and hunting, wineries, museums, lots of history.
21. By the way, if you want to talk to God in Missouri ...it's a local call.
I don't suppose there's a way that I can put five "likes" on that one.
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Wrong.
A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable. The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful.
The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone," the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."
"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone."
"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."
"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.
"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."
The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone," the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."
"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone."
"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."
"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.
"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."
A parrot swallows a viagra tab:
His owner, disgusted, puts him in the freezer to cool off.
After 20 minutes,
he opens the freezer to see the parrot sweating.
“Why are you sweating?” He asks.
The Parrot replies.
“Do u know how bloody hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken?”
His owner, disgusted, puts him in the freezer to cool off.
After 20 minutes,
he opens the freezer to see the parrot sweating.
“Why are you sweating?” He asks.
The Parrot replies.
“Do u know how bloody hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken?”
How many times do I have "accept cookies" before I get the cookies?
THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:
1. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."
2. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."
3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."
4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."
5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."
6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."
7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallartato close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."
8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."
9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."
10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."
11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."
12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."
13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."
14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."
15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."
16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."
17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."
18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."
19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if we got the room we booked.
1. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."
2. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."
3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."
4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."
5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."
6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."
7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallartato close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."
8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."
9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."
10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."
11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."
12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."
13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."
14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."
15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."
16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."
17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."
18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."
19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if we got the room we booked.
That guy is a straight up piece of ****.
He is smart though, he has made a good living being a con artist.
True story, A local junk yard had two cars that I tried to buy for years. One was one of the '59 Fords where the top folded back into the trunk at the push of a button. The other was a '63 Falcon Sprint in mint condition. He was always going to fix them up. When he died they got scrapped.
