Jokes

[Floorist]

Well, with that FB confirmation, it must be true!

I know most of them personally. When my brother was still a cop, he retired a couple years ago,he said they still had a ticket quota and certain people could not be ticketed. Small town politics. I know that they tag people all the time for appliances sitting outside, My next door neighbor is a council member and he has had an old freezer in his front yard for months. I put an old recliner out one night about 6 pm for the trash people to pick up about 6 am the next morning and got tagged.
A couple years ago, a cop stopped the supt of schools for drunk driving, everyone around here knows he is an alcoholic. Instead of arresting him, they called a family member to come get him. The local DARE teacher was stopped for drunk driving and was not charged.

 

[Floorist]

 

[Floorist]

A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.
He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: "Wow! That is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man."
The other man replies, "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."

 

[Dan]

So I was at the store earlier with my service dog. The lady in front of me at checkout had about $200 worth of toilet paper in her shopping cart. With an attitude she asked me what type of dog I had. I told her it was my service dog. Then she got real snarky and said, I knew that. What type of service? I said he was a BLD. By now he was licking her face and hands being super friendly. She said, what is a BLD? I told her it stood for Butt Licking Dog. She said Butt Licking Dog? I said yeah, he has been trained to lick my butt clean because I can't seem to be able to find toilet paper because of hoarders. The cashier completely lost it.

 

[Mark Brown]

You just made my day Dan. Thank you!!
Some peoples children, really make you wonder.

 

[Dan]

 

[highup]

If he resigns he's going to make millions from some company that needs a qualified Chinese representative/negotiator.

 

[DarisMulkin]

Don't try this at home:
https://www.newshub.co.nz/home/worl...al-after-sticking-usb-cable-up-his-*****.html

 

[Don Monfils]

Yikes

 

[highup]

Was he trying to download?

 

[highup]

Never thought about that till now but so true.

 

[Floorist]

 

[Floorist]

 

[Floorist]

A rabbi, a Hind*u priest, and a politician went hiking. Night fell and they were exhausted. The hotel on the map was nowhere to be seen:
They knocked on the door of a farm and asked if they could spend the night.
The farmer said. "Of course, but I only have a small room with two beds. One of you will have to sleep in the barn."
The Hindu priest said. "I need no material comforts. I will gladly take the barn."
The rabbi and the politician were settling in the room, when they heard a knock on the door. They opened it to find the Hindu priest standing there.
"So sorry, my friends, but there is a cow in the barn, and I cannot sleep beside such a holy animal."
The rabbi said." No problem, my brother. I’ll take the barn."
The Hind*u priest and the politician were settling in the room, when they heard a knock on the door. They opened it to find the rabbi standing there.
"So sorry, my friends, but there’s a pi*g in the barn, and I can’t sleep beside such a fil*thy anima*l."
The politician said. "OK, let it be remembered that I sacrificed my comfort for the greater good."
The rabbi and the Hind*u priest were settling in the room, when they heard a knock on the door. They opened it to find the pi*g and the cow standing there........

 

[Floorist]

 

[Floorist]

 

[highup]

I don't like Facebook's "memories" feature....... because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt that I'm wearing right now.

 

[havasu]

Good thing the 30 year old underwear are not shown in the pic!

 

[Mark Brown]

I don't like Facebook's "memories" feature....... because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt that I'm wearing right now.

Highup, im 37 and I look in the closet and I still have shirts I wore In high-school. You gonna be ok brother.

 

[DarisMulkin]

Good thing the 30 year old underwear are not shown in the pic!

You mean the ones with the skid marks in them?