Hey, I can still wear the same hat I wore in high school.
Jokes
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Hey, hey who's going to know if you wearing pants
I'll see if I can get a picture of mine. It's probably been on there photo excursions since 20 years ago. They make sugar, do they make hat goo?
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A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by her saying, "God bless Mummy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."
The father asked, "Why did you say 'good-bye Grandpa?'"
The little girl said, "I don't know Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day Grandpa died.
The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mummy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."
The next day the grandmother died.
"Holy cra*p!" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mummy and good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.
He was nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs all day. He had lunch and watched the clock all afternoon. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived. He breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said, "You think you had a bad day. You'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my boss died in the middle of a meeting...".......
The father asked, "Why did you say 'good-bye Grandpa?'"
The little girl said, "I don't know Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day Grandpa died.
The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mummy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."
The next day the grandmother died.
"Holy cra*p!" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mummy and good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.
He was nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs all day. He had lunch and watched the clock all afternoon. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived. He breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said, "You think you had a bad day. You'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my boss died in the middle of a meeting...".......
THE GOLF BURGLAR
A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.
They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?" The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms. The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.
As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers. The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest. The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.
The Priest said “You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."
The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you"
The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your Mother and Father along, I'll marry them"...........
A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.
They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?" The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms. The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.
As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers. The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest. The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.
The Priest said “You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."
The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you"
The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your Mother and Father along, I'll marry them"...........
A man goes to a Doctor's Office about his *****
A man walks gingerly into the office where he is met by a nurse with whom he speaks to.
"Err, nurse? Excuse me, this isn't easy for me to say, but you have to promise you won't laugh"
"Well, sir, on my honor as a nurse and a lady, in my 20 years in this profession, I haven't once laughed at a patient.
I've seen all manners of shapes and sizes, you can trust that I shall remain professional and courteous"
The man, satisfied with her response, dropped his trousers to around his knees, exposing the tiniest ***** the nurse had ever seen (no larger than a AAA battery), and with that, she couldn't contain her laughter. Instantly and without warning she was rolling around on the floor, tears streaming down her face as she laughed.
After about 5 minutes (possibly the longest 5 minutes of the man's life) she finally managed to stand up and compose herself.
"I'm so terribly sorry sir. Please forgive me, that was wholly unprofessional. Now, what seems to be the issue"
"It's swollen..."
A man walks gingerly into the office where he is met by a nurse with whom he speaks to.
"Err, nurse? Excuse me, this isn't easy for me to say, but you have to promise you won't laugh"
"Well, sir, on my honor as a nurse and a lady, in my 20 years in this profession, I haven't once laughed at a patient.
I've seen all manners of shapes and sizes, you can trust that I shall remain professional and courteous"
The man, satisfied with her response, dropped his trousers to around his knees, exposing the tiniest ***** the nurse had ever seen (no larger than a AAA battery), and with that, she couldn't contain her laughter. Instantly and without warning she was rolling around on the floor, tears streaming down her face as she laughed.
After about 5 minutes (possibly the longest 5 minutes of the man's life) she finally managed to stand up and compose herself.
"I'm so terribly sorry sir. Please forgive me, that was wholly unprofessional. Now, what seems to be the issue"
"It's swollen..."
Do you know who this is ?
Edith n Archie Bunker?
ThOsE wErE the DaYs!
I wasn't sure where to put this one. It seems very much like a joke....
....but some people are.
http://www.rogermwilcox.com/darksuck.txt
....but some people are.
http://www.rogermwilcox.com/darksuck.txt
Who would think winning your first NASCAR race would make you so famous.
Warning label on cheese. "Made with milk"
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