Prayers needed friends! Just got back from emergency room! Bar owner put ice cubes in urinal got frost bitten penis!
Jokes
- Thread starter Floorist
- Start date
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That isn't exactly bragging.
.....depending on how you envision the circumstances.
My first thoughts were Mini Me.
Long Dong Silver was a close second.
No no no... thats designer!
Work like that is common here. Saw a bathroom once where the vinyl was cut an inch short of the wall. The customer thought it looked good.
Wow wood grain tile.
.....or is it tile grained wood?
You think stubbing your toe was bad!!!
Not that you'd be the center of attention at the party with feet that big. ... And you know what they say about the size of the foot.
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said £50.00.
Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said,
"Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of pro*stitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,
"New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."
When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said,
"Hi Keith."
There was a sign on the cage that said £50.00.
Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said,
"Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of pro*stitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,
"New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."
When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said,
"Hi Keith."
Did ya hear the one about the hay bailer?
While riding my Harley ... I swerved to to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused, I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with cleavage to die for..."I'm okay I think, " I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head."
"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted.
"I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just a few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now ."
Don't be silly!" she said with a smile.
"Stay for a while.
She won't know anything.
By the way, where is she?"
"Still in the ditch, I guess!"
Dazed and confused, I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with cleavage to die for..."I'm okay I think, " I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head."
"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted.
"I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just a few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now ."
Don't be silly!" she said with a smile.
"Stay for a while.
She won't know anything.
By the way, where is she?"
"Still in the ditch, I guess!"
All of this court stuff reminds me of a case where I testified for the defense.
The case where I testified as an expert witness was funny to me. Two teens had been drag racing down I 70 when a police car hit his lights a siren. One stopped, the other accelerated to 140 mph and then rolled it. He was not hurt. He sued the place that had given the state safety inspection on the car, claiming that something was missed and caused the wreck. I was the expert witness on safety inspections for the people being sued. The kid's lawyer asked me to go over how to do a standard safety inspection. After I finished, he asked if that was how this one should have been done? I said no and went to a long description of the difference between loaded and unloaded ball joints. He realized that was the wrong time to ask a question that he did not know the answer to. Jury took 30 minutes to deny the lawsuit.
The case where I testified as an expert witness was funny to me. Two teens had been drag racing down I 70 when a police car hit his lights a siren. One stopped, the other accelerated to 140 mph and then rolled it. He was not hurt. He sued the place that had given the state safety inspection on the car, claiming that something was missed and caused the wreck. I was the expert witness on safety inspections for the people being sued. The kid's lawyer asked me to go over how to do a standard safety inspection. After I finished, he asked if that was how this one should have been done? I said no and went to a long description of the difference between loaded and unloaded ball joints. He realized that was the wrong time to ask a question that he did not know the answer to. Jury took 30 minutes to deny the lawsuit.
That was a loaded question.
......or unloaded question.
Some people think the glass is half full and some people think it's half empty.
Some people think the glass is half full and some people think it's half empty.
The first rule for a lawyer is,never ask a question unless you already know the answer.
