Hell yeah!...
Jokes
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Hell yeah!...
When I win Powerball, I'm gonna build stuff like that in my new shop. 
When I win Powerball, I'm gonna build stuff like that in my new shop.
I would have thought you would have spent the winnings on your mates
5 SECRETS TO A HAPPY LIFE
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks and cleans from time to time, and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks and cleans from time to time, and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other
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A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer.
Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time.
Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says "nothing's wrong", and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"
Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time.
Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says "nothing's wrong", and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"
A boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?"
"That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies.
After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?"
"Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it?s gone."
"That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies.
After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?"
"Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it?s gone."
TRANSLATIONS
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."
3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."
6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."
7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED."
8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."
9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."
11 She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."
12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."
4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."
6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."
7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ARS" - He develops a case of "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."
9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."
10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."
11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants-It's "REAR CLEAVAGE."
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."
3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."
6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."
7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED."
8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."
9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."
11 She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."
12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."
4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."
6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."
7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ARS" - He develops a case of "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."
9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."
10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."
11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants-It's "REAR CLEAVAGE."
A young man asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills? They were labeled LSD??" Granny replies, "The heck with the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?"
Wife slips into a pretty nightgown and asks hubby, "What turns you on more, my pretty face or my beautiful body?" Hubby looks her up and down and replies, "Your sense of humor!" The doctor says he'll be able to see out of his left eye in a week or two.
Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.
My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you b@st@rd!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
Wife slips into a pretty nightgown and asks hubby, "What turns you on more, my pretty face or my beautiful body?" Hubby looks her up and down and replies, "Your sense of humor!" The doctor says he'll be able to see out of his left eye in a week or two.
Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.
My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you b@st@rd!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
Hot Dogs
Two Scottish ladies have just arrived in the USA and one says to the
other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs.
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we
might as well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, one of the ladies points to a hot dog vendor
and they both walk towards the cart.
"Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige
and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter.
Excited, the ladies hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their
'dogs.'
As one lady opens hers, she begins to blush and
then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other lady and
whispers cautiously, "What part did you get
Two Scottish ladies have just arrived in the USA and one says to the
other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs.
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we
might as well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, one of the ladies points to a hot dog vendor
and they both walk towards the cart.
"Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige
and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter.
Excited, the ladies hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their
'dogs.'
As one lady opens hers, she begins to blush and
then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other lady and
whispers cautiously, "What part did you get
Yep.
: Handicapped
> Parking
> Today I had to go to the mall.
> As I approached the entrance, I noticed a driver looking for
> a parking
> space. I flagged the driver and pointed
> out a handicap parking space that was open and
> available. The driver looked puzzled,
> rolled down her window and said, "I'm not
> handicapped!" Well, as you can imagine, my
> face was red! "Oh, I'm sorry," I said. "I
> saw your Obama bumper sticker, and I just assumed that you
> suffered from some sort of mental
> disorder." She gave me the finger and
> screamed some nasty names at
> me. Boy! Some people don't
> appreciate it when you're just trying to help them
> out!
>
Daris
> Parking
> Today I had to go to the mall.
> As I approached the entrance, I noticed a driver looking for
> a parking
> space. I flagged the driver and pointed
> out a handicap parking space that was open and
> available. The driver looked puzzled,
> rolled down her window and said, "I'm not
> handicapped!" Well, as you can imagine, my
> face was red! "Oh, I'm sorry," I said. "I
> saw your Obama bumper sticker, and I just assumed that you
> suffered from some sort of mental
> disorder." She gave me the finger and
> screamed some nasty names at
> me. Boy! Some people don't
> appreciate it when you're just trying to help them
> out!
>
Daris
When a woman wears leather clothing:
A man's heart beats quicker,
and his throat gets dry,
and he goes weak in the knees,
and he begins to think irrationally.
Ever wonder why?
Because she smells like a new truck...
A man's heart beats quicker,
and his throat gets dry,
and he goes weak in the knees,
and he begins to think irrationally.
Ever wonder why?
Because she smells like a new truck...
The subject is
HAIRCUT
TWO WOMEN TALKING:
Woman 1: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!
Woman 2: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?
Woman 1: No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.
Woman 2: Are you serious? Your face is adorable. You could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
Woman 1: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from these football player shoulders of mine.
Woman 2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms, see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.
==================================
TWO MEN TALKING:
Man 1: Haircut?
Man 2: Yeah.
HAIRCUT
TWO WOMEN TALKING:
Woman 1: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!
Woman 2: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?
Woman 1: No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.
Woman 2: Are you serious? Your face is adorable. You could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
Woman 1: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from these football player shoulders of mine.
Woman 2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms, see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.
==================================
TWO MEN TALKING:
Man 1: Haircut?
Man 2: Yeah.
The key cleaner is priceless.
