Nick
In Remembrance
That's one slippery floor . 
Jokes
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This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is very dead & the guy panics. He thinks the neighbours are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house, gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur, & puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping that they will think it died of natural causes. A few days later, the neighbour is outside & asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?" The guy stumbles around & says, "Um.. no.. um.. what happened?" The neighbour replies, "We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside & someone had dug him up, gave him a bath & put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!"
a husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts,honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now.
He looks at her and says angrily; fix the light, now? Does it look like i have a g.e. Logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so!
The wife asks, well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right.
To which he replied, fix the fridge door? Does it look like i have westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so.
Fine, she says then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break.
I'm not a damn carpenter and i don't want to fix steps, he says. Does it look like i have ace hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!! So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working.. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.'honey, he asks, how'd all this get fixed?
She said, well, when you left i sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and i told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all i had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake.
He said, so what kind of cake did you bake him?
She replied, hellooooo.......do you see betty crocker written on my forehead? I don't think so! =====
He looks at her and says angrily; fix the light, now? Does it look like i have a g.e. Logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so!
The wife asks, well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right.
To which he replied, fix the fridge door? Does it look like i have westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so.
Fine, she says then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break.
I'm not a damn carpenter and i don't want to fix steps, he says. Does it look like i have ace hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!! So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working.. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.'honey, he asks, how'd all this get fixed?
She said, well, when you left i sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and i told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all i had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake.
He said, so what kind of cake did you bake him?
She replied, hellooooo.......do you see betty crocker written on my forehead? I don't think so! =====
A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, 'You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.'
The cowboy replies, 'Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself.'
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, 'I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.'
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
'Oh, no, everybody's just fine, ' he explains, 'It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.'
'Hasn't affected my brothers though.'
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, 'You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.'
The cowboy replies, 'Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself.'
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, 'I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.'
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
'Oh, no, everybody's just fine, ' he explains, 'It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.'
'Hasn't affected my brothers though.'
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A Muslim wife complains to her husband that
all the romance had gone out of their marriage.
"Remember when you used to carry me up to bed?" she asked.
Yeah," he replied, "But be fair, you were only eleven at the time !!
Daris
all the romance had gone out of their marriage.
"Remember when you used to carry me up to bed?" she asked.
Yeah," he replied, "But be fair, you were only eleven at the time !!
Daris
Ohhh
Coos Bay, Oregon
Quit pickin' on me. It was real funny till the police showed up.
Yep!
You must drive yourself crazy arguing with yourself.
Daris
Daris
True, but after all these years, I've learned what questions not to ask.
An Irishman's First Drink With His Son . . .
I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, and memories came flooding
back of the time I took my son out for his first drink. Off we went to our local bar, which
is only two blocks from the house.
I got him a Guinness Stout. He didn't like it - so I drank it.
Then I got him a Murphy's; he didn't like it either, so I drank it.
It was the same with Beamish and O'Hara's and Kilkenny.
By the time we got down to the Irish whiskey . . . I could hardly push the stroller back home
Daris
I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, and memories came flooding
back of the time I took my son out for his first drink. Off we went to our local bar, which
is only two blocks from the house.
I got him a Guinness Stout. He didn't like it - so I drank it.
Then I got him a Murphy's; he didn't like it either, so I drank it.
It was the same with Beamish and O'Hara's and Kilkenny.
By the time we got down to the Irish whiskey . . . I could hardly push the stroller back home
Daris
When I was a young minister, a funeral director asked me to hold a grave-side service for a homeless man with no family or friends. The funeral was to be at a cemetery way out in the country. This was a new cemetery and this man was the first to be laid to rest there.
I was not familiar with the area and became lost. Being a typical man, of course, I did not ask for directions. I finally found the cemetery about an hour late. The back hoe was there and the crew was eating their lunch. The hearse was nowhere to be seen.
I apologized to the workers for being late. As I looked into the open grave, I saw the vault lid already in place. I told the workers I would not keep them long, but that this was the proper thing to do. The workers, still eating their lunch, gathered around the opening.
I was young and enthusiastic and poured out my heart and soul as I preached. The workers joined in with, "Praise the Lord," "Amen," and "Glory!" I got so into the service that I preached and preached and preached, from Genesis to The Revelation.
When the service was over, I said a prayer and walked to my car. As I opened the door, I heard one of the workers say, "I never saw anything like that before and I've been putting in septic systems for twenty years."
I was not familiar with the area and became lost. Being a typical man, of course, I did not ask for directions. I finally found the cemetery about an hour late. The back hoe was there and the crew was eating their lunch. The hearse was nowhere to be seen.
I apologized to the workers for being late. As I looked into the open grave, I saw the vault lid already in place. I told the workers I would not keep them long, but that this was the proper thing to do. The workers, still eating their lunch, gathered around the opening.
I was young and enthusiastic and poured out my heart and soul as I preached. The workers joined in with, "Praise the Lord," "Amen," and "Glory!" I got so into the service that I preached and preached and preached, from Genesis to The Revelation.
When the service was over, I said a prayer and walked to my car. As I opened the door, I heard one of the workers say, "I never saw anything like that before and I've been putting in septic systems for twenty years."
Triple Dose
> A
> man went to the doctor 's office to ask for a triple
> dosage of Viagra.
> Doctor: I can?t give you a triple dose.
> Man: Why not?
> Doctor: Because it's not safe.
> Man: But I need it really bad.
> Doctor: Well, why do you need it so badly?
> Man: My girlfriend is coming into town on
> Friday, my ex-wife will be here on Saturday and my wife is
> coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I've got to
> have a triple dose.
> The doctor finally relented.
> Doctor: All right, I'll give it to you,
> but you have to come in Monday morning so that I can check
> you to see if there are any side effects.
> On Monday afternoon the man dragged himself
> into the doctor?s office...his right arm in a sling.
> Doctor: Good God! What happened to you?
> Man: No one showed up.
>
Daris
> A
> man went to the doctor 's office to ask for a triple
> dosage of Viagra.
> Doctor: I can?t give you a triple dose.
> Man: Why not?
> Doctor: Because it's not safe.
> Man: But I need it really bad.
> Doctor: Well, why do you need it so badly?
> Man: My girlfriend is coming into town on
> Friday, my ex-wife will be here on Saturday and my wife is
> coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I've got to
> have a triple dose.
> The doctor finally relented.
> Doctor: All right, I'll give it to you,
> but you have to come in Monday morning so that I can check
> you to see if there are any side effects.
> On Monday afternoon the man dragged himself
> into the doctor?s office...his right arm in a sling.
> Doctor: Good God! What happened to you?
> Man: No one showed up.
>
Daris
Perfect ride
