Jokes

[Floorist]

Dear Internal Revenue Service:

Enclosed you will find my 2014 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes. Please note the attached article from the USA Today newspaper, dated 12 November, wherein you will see the Pentagon (Department of Defense) is paying $171.50 per hammer and NASA has paid $600.00 per toilet seat.

I am enclosing four (4) toilet seats (valued @ $2,400) and six (6) hammers (valued @ $1,029), which I secured at Home Depot, bringing my total remittance to $3,429.00.

Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the "Presidential Election Fund", as noted on my return. You can do this inexpensively by sending them one (1) 1.5" Phillips Head screw (see aforementioned article from USA Today newspaper detailing how H.U.D. pays $22.00 each for 1.5" Phillips Head Screws). One screw is enclosed for your convenience.

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.

Sincerely,

A Satisfied Taxpayer

 

[mbonz]

U all are pretty funny.

 

[rugaddict]

story told me by a maintenance guy for i complex i work for-----middle of our latest blizzard----gets a call from a tenant----hey the elevators not working----yes its a blizzard-the power went out-----but i gotta get to the store---what should i do----well -to the left of the elevator is a door--there is a set of stairs that will bring you to the ground floor----long pause-----oh ok---but how do i get back up?

 

[Floorist]

.....

 

[DarisMulkin]

A husband and his wife went to the Doctor. The Doctor took the husband in first.

The husband was a bit embarrassed and told the Doctor he had trouble getting an erection with his wife and she was getting frustrated.



He checked his blood pressure and other things, and finally told him he would see his wife now.



He took her to another cubicle and told her to completely disrobe. Then he told her to turn all the way around slowly.



She did as instructed.



He then told her to turn all the way around in the other direction.



Then he said - OK you can get dressed now, I will talk to your husband.



Then the Doctor went into the other office and told the husband - You can relax. There is nothing wrong with you.



I couldn't get an erection either!!

Daris

 

[Floorist]

Back a few years ago, I went over to my neighbors house.(She was a blonde), and for some reason she was mad at the world. She had locked herself in the bathroom and was threatening suicide. I said, "Come on, you know you don't want to do this!"

She said, "I damn well do wanna do this, nobody wants me alive anyways."

For some reason I actually believed her and pushed through the door, and saw she had a rope tied to around her ankles. I asked "Are you really trying to hang yourself?"

"Yeah, so what?"

"Well, usually when people hang themselves they tie the rope around their necks"

"Yeah, well, I tried that, but then I couldn't breathe."

 

[Floorist]

The Pharmacist's Monday


Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys."

"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire."

"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing."

"When I came up, I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."

"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer."

"And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."
__________________

 

[Floorist]

A blonde a brunette and redhead were in the doctors office.
Brunette "I'm having a boy"
Blonde "How do you know"
Brunette"I was on the bottom during conception"
Redhead "I'm having a girl"
Blonde"How do you know"
Redhead"I was on top during conception"
The blonde starts crying.
The other ask "What's wrong."
Blonde crying "I'm having puppies".

 

[Floorist]

Never question a drunk. I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2 lb. Can of coffee
A 1 lb. Package of bacon
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly Stated, 'You must be single.'
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right.
I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said , 'Yes you are correct. But how on earth did you know that?..............












The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly."

 

[Floorist]

A Friday 13th Funny Story

Roger left for work on Friday 13th morning. Friday was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay packet.

Finally, Roger appeared at home on Sunday night, and obviously he was confronted by his angry wife, Martha who castigated Roger for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally, Martha stopped the nagging and said to Roger, 'How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?'


Roger replied grimly, 'That would be fine with me.'

Monday went by and he didn't see his Martha. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

On Thursday, the swelling went down just enough so that Roger he could see Martha a little out of the corner of his left eye

 

[highup]

A Japanese couple is arguing about how to perform highly erotic sex:

Husband: "Sukitaki. Mojitaka!"

Wife replies: "Kowanini! Mowi janakpa!"

Husband says angrily:"Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!"

Wife on her knees literally begging: "Mimi nako undinda tin kouji!"

Husband shouts angrily:"Na miaou kina Tim kouji!"

I Can't believe you just sat there trying to read this – you don’t know Japanese.

You'll read anything as long as it’s about sex.... You need serious help!!!

 

[Floorist]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A guy went to the dentist to have a tooth extracted.

She pulled out a large syringe to give him an anesthetic shot.

"No way, no needles! I hate needles!" the man exclaimed.

She started to hook up the nitrous oxide tank. The man raised his hand in front of his face and quickly said, "I can't do the gas thing either. Just the thought of having a mask on my face suffocates me!?

The dentist then asked the patient if he had any objections to taking a pill.

"No," he says, "I'm fine with pills."

So the dentist gave him two small blue pills, which he swallowed.

"What are those?" he asked.

The dentist replied, "Viagra."

"Well, isn't that something," said the patient, "I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer."

"It doesn't," said the dentist, "But it'll give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth."

 

[Floorist]

A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.

The blonde jumps out of bed and says 'I've had enough of this,' and she goes downstairs.

The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says 'The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?'

The blonde says 'I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how THEY like it!'

 

[Floorist]

Our OIL is located in:

ALASKA
California
Coastal Florida
Coastal Louisiana
Coastal Alabama
Coastal Mississippi
Coastal Texas
North Dakota
Wyoming
Colorado
Kansas
Oklahoma
Pennsylvania
Texas

Our dipsticks are located in D.C.

Any Questions? No? Didn't think so.

 

[Floorist]

..........

 

[Floorist]

Real sign

 

[Floorist]

How true!

 

[Floorist]

Yep.

 

[mbonz]

Lol great jokes guys.

 

[havasu]

Two women were playing golf.

One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward

a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men.



He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin,

fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.



The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and

I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.



'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position,

still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.



She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side,

loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage

for several long moments and

asked, 'How does that feel'?



'Feels great,' he said: 'but I still think my thumb's broken!'