Nick
In Remembrance
....lol
Jokes
- Thread starter Floorist
- Start date
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The seminar on time travel will be two weeks ago.
A mama mole, a papa mole and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole.
One day, the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says, "Yum! I smell maple syrup!"
The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says, "Yum! I smell honey!"
The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the 2 bigger moles are in the way. So he says, "Jeez, all I can smell is.....
..... molasses!"
One day, the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says, "Yum! I smell maple syrup!"
The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says, "Yum! I smell honey!"
The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the 2 bigger moles are in the way. So he says, "Jeez, all I can smell is.....
..... molasses!"
A man was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana, where he tried to buy some alligator shoes. However, he was not prepared to pay the high prices and after having failed to haggle the vendor down to a reasonable price level, ended up shouting, "I don't give two hoots for your shoes man! I'll go and kill my own alligator!" To which the shopkeeper replied, "By all means, just watch out for the two blondes out there who are doing the same!"
So the man went out into the bayou and after a few minutes saw the two blondes standing perfectly still in the water.
Just at that point, he noticed an alligator moving in the water towards one of them. The blonde stood completely passive, even as the gator swam closer and closer. Just as the beast was about to swallow the lad, the blonde struck him in the head with the spear and wrestled the gator up onto the bank, where several lay already.
Together the two blondes threw the gator onto its back, where upon one exclaimed, "Darn! This one doesn't have any shoes either
So the man went out into the bayou and after a few minutes saw the two blondes standing perfectly still in the water.
Just at that point, he noticed an alligator moving in the water towards one of them. The blonde stood completely passive, even as the gator swam closer and closer. Just as the beast was about to swallow the lad, the blonde struck him in the head with the spear and wrestled the gator up onto the bank, where several lay already.
Together the two blondes threw the gator onto its back, where upon one exclaimed, "Darn! This one doesn't have any shoes either
A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged 3 ducks and decided to 'enforce the laws pending'. He stopped the hunter, flashed his badge and said, "Looks like you've had a pretty good day. Mind if I inspect your kill?"
The hunter shrugged and handed the ducks over to the warden. The warden took one of he ducks, inserted his finger into the ducks rectum, pulled it out,, sniffed it and said, "This here's a Washington State duck. Do you have a Washington State hunting license?"
The hunter pulled out his wallet and calmly showed the warden a Washington State hunting license.
The warden took a second duck, inserted his finger in the bird's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it and said, "This here's an Idaho duck. Do you have an Idaho State hunting license?" The hunter, a bit put off, produced an Idaho State hunting license.
The warden took the third duck conducted the same finger test and said, "This here's an Oregon State duck. Do you have an Oregon State hunting license?" Once again, only this time more aggravated, the hunter produced the appropriate license.
The warden, a little miffed at having struck out, handed the ducks back to the hunter and said, "You've got all of these licenses, just where the heck are you from?"
The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and said, "You seem to have all the answers, why don't YOU tell ME!"
The hunter shrugged and handed the ducks over to the warden. The warden took one of he ducks, inserted his finger into the ducks rectum, pulled it out,, sniffed it and said, "This here's a Washington State duck. Do you have a Washington State hunting license?"
The hunter pulled out his wallet and calmly showed the warden a Washington State hunting license.
The warden took a second duck, inserted his finger in the bird's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it and said, "This here's an Idaho duck. Do you have an Idaho State hunting license?" The hunter, a bit put off, produced an Idaho State hunting license.
The warden took the third duck conducted the same finger test and said, "This here's an Oregon State duck. Do you have an Oregon State hunting license?" Once again, only this time more aggravated, the hunter produced the appropriate license.
The warden, a little miffed at having struck out, handed the ducks back to the hunter and said, "You've got all of these licenses, just where the heck are you from?"
The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and said, "You seem to have all the answers, why don't YOU tell ME!"
A man sat down at a bar in Chicago and ordered a drink. The news was showing a guy standing on the ledge of the top floor of the Sears Tower, ready to jump.
The customer yelled to the bartender, "Hey buddy, I gonna bet ya 20 bucks, he ain't gonna jump."
The bartender accepted the challenge.
Thirty minutes later the 'Sears guy' jumped. The customer removed $20 from his wallet and put it on the counter. The bartender told him to keep his money because, "an hour earlier I watched the news and I knew that he would jump, so it would not be fair to keep your money."
The customer replied, "Keep the money, you won. I watched the same news an hour ago too, but I sure as shootin' didn't think he'd jump a second time."
The customer yelled to the bartender, "Hey buddy, I gonna bet ya 20 bucks, he ain't gonna jump."
The bartender accepted the challenge.
Thirty minutes later the 'Sears guy' jumped. The customer removed $20 from his wallet and put it on the counter. The bartender told him to keep his money because, "an hour earlier I watched the news and I knew that he would jump, so it would not be fair to keep your money."
The customer replied, "Keep the money, you won. I watched the same news an hour ago too, but I sure as shootin' didn't think he'd jump a second time."
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doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant.
"Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take
care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".
"Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.
The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks:
"So, Murphy, how was your day? "Murphy told him that he took care of three patients.
"The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol."
"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.
"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir" says Murphy
"Bravo, bravo!Your good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.
"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does.
Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everything including her bra and
her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts:
'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!'"
"Tunderin' Lard Jesus, Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.
"I put drops in her eyes."
"Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take
care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".
"Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.
The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks:
"So, Murphy, how was your day? "Murphy told him that he took care of three patients.
"The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol."
"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.
"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir" says Murphy
"Bravo, bravo!Your good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.
"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does.
Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everything including her bra and
her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts:
'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!'"
"Tunderin' Lard Jesus, Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.
"I put drops in her eyes."
A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich.
He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.
As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"
The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"
The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for a panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.
As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"
The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"
The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for a panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware
Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware
Empathy For A Homesick Snowbird
I live in Naples, Fl.
The other day I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read: "I miss Chicago."
So I broke the window, stole the radio, shot out two of the tires,
added an Obama bumper sticker and left a note that read: "Hope this helps.?
__________________
I live in Naples, Fl.
The other day I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read: "I miss Chicago."
So I broke the window, stole the radio, shot out two of the tires,
added an Obama bumper sticker and left a note that read: "Hope this helps.?
__________________
Who says husbands aren't attentive???
A husband went to the sheriff's department to report that his wife was missing:
Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.
Sergeant: What is her height?
Husband: - Gee, I?m not sure. A little over five feet tall.
Sergeant: Weight?
Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant: Color of eyes?
Husband: Never noticed.
Sergeant: Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year... maybe dark brown.
Sergeant: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don?t remember exactly.
Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my truck.
Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?
Husband: A 2014 Ford F150 King Ranch 4 X4 with Eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine
special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats, DVD with Navigation, 21 channel CB radio, 6 cup holders, 4 power outlets, custom floor mats, trailering package with gold hitch. Put on special alloy wheels and off road Michelin's. My wife put a small scratch on the driver's door.
At this point, the husband started tearing up.
Sergeant: Don't worry .......We?ll find your truck.
Daris
A husband went to the sheriff's department to report that his wife was missing:
Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.
Sergeant: What is her height?
Husband: - Gee, I?m not sure. A little over five feet tall.
Sergeant: Weight?
Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant: Color of eyes?
Husband: Never noticed.
Sergeant: Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year... maybe dark brown.
Sergeant: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don?t remember exactly.
Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my truck.
Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?
Husband: A 2014 Ford F150 King Ranch 4 X4 with Eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine
special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats, DVD with Navigation, 21 channel CB radio, 6 cup holders, 4 power outlets, custom floor mats, trailering package with gold hitch. Put on special alloy wheels and off road Michelin's. My wife put a small scratch on the driver's door.
At this point, the husband started tearing up.
Sergeant: Don't worry .......We?ll find your truck.
Daris
For Nick, Jon and Daris
Nick
In Remembrance
Q: How can you tell if a fax came from a blonde?
A: It has a stamp on it.
Q: Why do blondes have "TGIF" on their shoes?
A: Toes go in first.
Q: Why shouldn't blondes have coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.
Q: Did you hear about the two blondes that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter."
Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
A: "Is it mine?"
Q: What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
A: "Look! They spelled MACY's wrong!"
Q: What is every blonde's ambition in life?
A: To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet
A: It has a stamp on it.
Q: Why do blondes have "TGIF" on their shoes?
A: Toes go in first.
Q: Why shouldn't blondes have coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.
Q: Did you hear about the two blondes that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter."
Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
A: "Is it mine?"
Q: What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
A: "Look! They spelled MACY's wrong!"
Q: What is every blonde's ambition in life?
A: To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet
Proof That The World Is Nuts!!!
In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Glad I don't live in Indonesia!)
(Much worse than 'going blind!')
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time.
Reason: Under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute: Is there
any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.
The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Condoms may be dispensed from a vending machine only in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'
(Is this a great country or what?)
Well,.... not as great as Guam!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for these tests?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The Ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of ???)
(Did our Government pay for this research??)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Ah, geez.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
An Ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)
*~*~ *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
And, the best for last?
Turtles can breathe through their ass.
(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)
Thank you all for reading this.
If you need to reach me in the future, I will be
in Guam !!!!!!
In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Glad I don't live in Indonesia!)
(Much worse than 'going blind!')
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time.
Reason: Under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute: Is there
any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.
The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Condoms may be dispensed from a vending machine only in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'
(Is this a great country or what?)
Well,.... not as great as Guam!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for these tests?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The Ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of ???)
(Did our Government pay for this research??)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Ah, geez.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
An Ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)
*~*~ *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
And, the best for last?
Turtles can breathe through their ass.
(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)
Thank you all for reading this.
If you need to reach me in the future, I will be
in Guam !!!!!!
Nick
In Remembrance
Get two tickets Daris . 
Some of the artists from the 60's are re-releasing their hits with new lyrics to accommodate us elders... good news, for those feeling a little older and missing those great old tunes...
Herman's Hermits - "Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker"
Bobby Darin - "Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' A Flash"
The Temptations - "Papa's Got A Kidney Stone"
Marvin Gaye - "I Heard It through the Grape Nuts"
Procol Harem - "A Whiter Shade of Hair"
Johnny Nash - "I Can't See Clearly Now"
Paul Simon - "Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver"
Leo Sayer - "You Make Me Feel like Napping"
ABBA - "Denture Queen"
Roberta Flack - "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"
Commodores - "Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom"
The Bee Gees - "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip"
Ringo Starr - "I Get By With A Little Help from Depends"
Herman's Hermits - "Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker"
Bobby Darin - "Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' A Flash"
The Temptations - "Papa's Got A Kidney Stone"
Marvin Gaye - "I Heard It through the Grape Nuts"
Procol Harem - "A Whiter Shade of Hair"
Johnny Nash - "I Can't See Clearly Now"
Paul Simon - "Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver"
Leo Sayer - "You Make Me Feel like Napping"
ABBA - "Denture Queen"
Roberta Flack - "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"
Commodores - "Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom"
The Bee Gees - "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip"
Ringo Starr - "I Get By With A Little Help from Depends"
