Jokes

[Floorist]

A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged 3 ducks and decided to 'enforce the laws pending'. He stopped the hunter, flashed his badge and said, "Looks like you've had a pretty good day. Mind if I inspect your kill?"

The hunter shrugged and handed the ducks over to the warden. The warden took one of he ducks, inserted his finger into the ducks rectum, pulled it out,, sniffed it and said, "This here's a Washington State duck. Do you have a Washington State hunting license?"

The hunter pulled out his wallet and calmly showed the warden a Washington State hunting license.

The warden took a second duck, inserted his finger in the bird's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it and said, "This here's an Idaho duck. Do you have an Idaho State hunting license?" The hunter, a bit put off, produced an Idaho State hunting license.

The warden took the third duck conducted the same finger test and said, "This here's an Oregon State duck. Do you have an Oregon State hunting license?" Once again, only this time more aggravated, the hunter produced the appropriate license.

The warden, a little miffed at having struck out, handed the ducks back to the hunter and said, "You've got all of these licenses, just where the heck are you from?"

The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and said, "You seem to have all the answers, why don't YOU tell ME!"

 

[Floorist]

A man sat down at a bar in Chicago and ordered a drink. The news was showing a guy standing on the ledge of the top floor of the Sears Tower, ready to jump.

The customer yelled to the bartender, "Hey buddy, I gonna bet ya 20 bucks, he ain't gonna jump."

The bartender accepted the challenge.

Thirty minutes later the 'Sears guy' jumped. The customer removed $20 from his wallet and put it on the counter. The bartender told him to keep his money because, "an hour earlier I watched the news and I knew that he would jump, so it would not be fair to keep your money."

The customer replied, "Keep the money, you won. I watched the same news an hour ago too, but I sure as shootin' didn't think he'd jump a second time."

 

[Floorist]

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich.

He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.

As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"

The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"

The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for a panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

 

[Floorist]

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.

Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware

 

[Floorist]

Empathy For A Homesick Snowbird

I live in Naples, Fl.

The other day I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read: "I miss Chicago."

So I broke the window, stole the radio, shot out two of the tires,
added an Obama bumper sticker and left a note that read: "Hope this helps.?
__________________

 

[DarisMulkin]

Who says husbands aren't attentive???


A husband went to the sheriff's department to report that his wife was missing:

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.

Sergeant: What is her height?

Husband: - Gee, I?m not sure. A little over five feet tall.

Sergeant: Weight?

Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant: Color of eyes?

Husband: Never noticed.

Sergeant: Color of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year... maybe dark brown.

Sergeant: What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don?t remember exactly.

Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She went in my truck.

Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?

Husband: A 2014 Ford F150 King Ranch 4 X4 with Eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine
special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats, DVD with Navigation, 21 channel CB radio, 6 cup holders, 4 power outlets, custom floor mats, trailering package with gold hitch. Put on special alloy wheels and off road Michelin's. My wife put a small scratch on the driver's door.

At this point, the husband started tearing up.

Sergeant: Don't worry .......We?ll find your truck.


Daris

 

[Floorist]

For Nick, Jon and Daris

 

[Jon]

For Nick, Jon and Daris

I am already there

 

[Dan]

I am already there

Jon, just because you qualify for the old part........

 

[Nick]

For Nick, Jon and Daris

Save me a room for when i get old .

 

[DarisMulkin]

For Nick, Jon and Daris

Save me one also, with hot and cold running women.

Daris

 

[Floorist]

Q: How can you tell if a fax came from a blonde?
A: It has a stamp on it.

Q: Why do blondes have "TGIF" on their shoes?
A: Toes go in first.

Q: Why shouldn't blondes have coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.

Q: Did you hear about the two blondes that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter."

Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
A: "Is it mine?"

Q: What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
A: "Look! They spelled MACY's wrong!"

Q: What is every blonde's ambition in life?
A: To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet

 

[DarisMulkin]

Proof That The World Is Nuts!!!



In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

(Like THAT makes sense.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different reversed?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

(A brick?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Glad I don't live in Indonesia!)

(Much worse than 'going blind!')

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time.

Reason: Under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

(Let's just think for a minute: Is there
any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.

The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

(Ah! Justice!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.

(But of course!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Condoms may be dispensed from a vending machine only in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'

(Is this a great country or what?)

Well,.... not as great as Guam!

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for these tests?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The Ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

(From drinking little bottles of ???)

(Did our Government pay for this research??)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Ah, geez.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

An Ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Starfish don't have brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)

*~*~ *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

And, the best for last?

Turtles can breathe through their ass.

(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)

Thank you all for reading this.

If you need to reach me in the future, I will be
in Guam !!!!!!

 

[Nick]

Get two tickets Daris .

 

[Floorist]

Some of the artists from the 60's are re-releasing their hits with new lyrics to accommodate us elders... good news, for those feeling a little older and missing those great old tunes...

Herman's Hermits - "Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker"

Bobby Darin - "Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' A Flash"

The Temptations - "Papa's Got A Kidney Stone"

Marvin Gaye - "I Heard It through the Grape Nuts"

Procol Harem - "A Whiter Shade of Hair"

Johnny Nash - "I Can't See Clearly Now"

Paul Simon - "Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver"

Leo Sayer - "You Make Me Feel like Napping"

ABBA - "Denture Queen"

Roberta Flack - "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"

Commodores - "Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom"

The Bee Gees - "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip"

Ringo Starr - "I Get By With A Little Help from Depends"

 

[Floorist]

Dear Internal Revenue Service:

Enclosed you will find my 2014 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes. Please note the attached article from the USA Today newspaper, dated 12 November, wherein you will see the Pentagon (Department of Defense) is paying $171.50 per hammer and NASA has paid $600.00 per toilet seat.

I am enclosing four (4) toilet seats (valued @ $2,400) and six (6) hammers (valued @ $1,029), which I secured at Home Depot, bringing my total remittance to $3,429.00.

Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the "Presidential Election Fund", as noted on my return. You can do this inexpensively by sending them one (1) 1.5" Phillips Head screw (see aforementioned article from USA Today newspaper detailing how H.U.D. pays $22.00 each for 1.5" Phillips Head Screws). One screw is enclosed for your convenience.

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.

Sincerely,

A Satisfied Taxpayer

 

[mbonz]

U all are pretty funny.

 

[rugaddict]

story told me by a maintenance guy for i complex i work for-----middle of our latest blizzard----gets a call from a tenant----hey the elevators not working----yes its a blizzard-the power went out-----but i gotta get to the store---what should i do----well -to the left of the elevator is a door--there is a set of stairs that will bring you to the ground floor----long pause-----oh ok---but how do i get back up?

 

[Floorist]

.....

 

[DarisMulkin]

A husband and his wife went to the Doctor. The Doctor took the husband in first.

The husband was a bit embarrassed and told the Doctor he had trouble getting an erection with his wife and she was getting frustrated.



He checked his blood pressure and other things, and finally told him he would see his wife now.



He took her to another cubicle and told her to completely disrobe. Then he told her to turn all the way around slowly.



She did as instructed.



He then told her to turn all the way around in the other direction.



Then he said - OK you can get dressed now, I will talk to your husband.



Then the Doctor went into the other office and told the husband - You can relax. There is nothing wrong with you.



I couldn't get an erection either!!

Daris