Jokes

[Floorist]

Two blondes were flying to Miami from Cleveland. Fifteen minutes into the flight, the Captain announced, 'One of the engines has failed and the flight will be an hour longer. But don't worry, we have three engines left.'

Thirty minutes later, the Captain announced, 'One more engine has failed and the flight will be two hours longer. But don't worry, we have two engines left.' An hour later the Captain announced, 'One more engine has failed and the flight will be three hours longer. But don't worry we have one engine left.'

One blonde looked at the other the other blonde and said, 'If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day.'

 

[Floorist]

Last week, a group of Michigan bikers were riding north on I-75 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Makinaw Bridge. So they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?"
The would-be jumper responded, "I'm going to commit suicide."
While George didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a legend-in-the-making opportunity either so he asked ... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.
After they finished, George gets approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

 

[Floorist]

There were two blondes who went deep into the woods

searching for a Christmas tree.
After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close


calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other


and said, "I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't


care whether it's decorated or not!"

 

[Floorist]

Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.

Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!"

 

[Floorist]

A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.
After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, ?Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke??
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, ?Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair ? given that you are blind ? that you should know five things:

The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
The bouncer is a blonde girl.
I?m a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. Blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke??
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, ?No? Not if I?m gonna have to explain it five times.?

 

[Floorist]

Wonder if I could use this to skip algebra?

 

[DarisMulkin]

Old man was sitting on a train across from a blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he was unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realized she was COMMANDO. (going without underwear)

She saw him staring and inquired, "Are you looking at my vagina?"

?Yes, I?m sorry," he replied and promised to avert his eyes.

"It?s quite all right," she replied, "It?s very talented, watch this, I?ll make it blow a kiss to you." Sure enough the vagina blew him a kiss.

The old man was completely astounded and inquired what else it could do.

"I can also make it wink," she replied. The old man stared in amazement as the vagina winked at him.

"Come and sit next to me," she said, patting the seat. He moved over and she asked, ?Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"

Stunned, he asked, ?You?re shittin' me, you mean it can whistle, too??

 

[highup]

...........and that's why Daris isn't allowed on forums anymore.
...or any less.

 

[Floorist]

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint.

He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is ok. She replies yes.

He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket and a fur coat on.

She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said,
FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS

 

[Floorist]

real ad......

 

[Nick]

Nevr leave home without it .

 

[Floorist]

.............

 

[Floorist]

An 80 year old man goes for a physical. All of

his tests come back with

normal results.


The doctor says, "Ron,

everything looks great. How are you doing

mentally and

emotionally?


Are you at peace with God?"

Ron replies, "God and I

are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so


He's fixed it so when I get

up in the middle of the night to go to the

bathroom, poof! The light

goes on. When I'm done, poof! The light goes

off."

"Wow, that's

incredible," the doctor says.


A little later in the day, the doctor calls

Ron's wife. "Penny," he

says, "Ron is doing fine! But I had to call you

because I'm in awe of

his relationship with God.


Is it true that

he gets up during the night, and poof! the light goes on

in the

bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes
off?"
"Oh my exclaims Penny. "He's pissin' in the refrigerator again!"

 

[Floorist]

A middle school in Oregon had a problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.

That was fine, but after they applied their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror, leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Finally, the principal decided that something had to be done about this. She called all of the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the custodian to clean the lip prints off of one of them, as the girls watched.

He took a long handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then cleaned the mirror.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror

 

[highup]

Best pickup line in a bar in Missouri:
"Nice tooth"
...and you don't think that we read these.

 

[Nick]

I heard it was you don't sweat to bad for a fat girl.

 

[Floorist]

.....

 

[Floorist]

A young cowboy, sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West.

The cowboy walked over to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his great ambition to be a great gunfighter.

"Could you give me some tips?" he asked.

The old man said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high -- tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"

"Sure will."

The young man did as he was told, then stood up, whipped out his .44, and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

"That's terrific!" exclaimed the cowboy. "Got any more tips?"

"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it -- that'll give you a smoother draw."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"You bet it will," said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cuff link off the piano player. "Wow!" said the cowboy excitedly, "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that can of axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."

The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. "No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, the handle, and all."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the puzzled young man.

"No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your a$$, and it won't hurt near as much."

 

[highup]

I heard it was you don't sweat to bad for a fat girl.

That's the one they use in Summer.

 

[DarisMulkin]

Run out of diapers, I can fix that: