I always thought women didn't work on cars because of their fingernails. But I guess I was wrong.
Daris
Daris
Jokes
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An oldie but still golden
A Young hotshot gets a job with the Taxation office
His first assignment is to audit an old Rabbi
He thinks he'll have a little fun with the old Rabbi
so he says, Rabbi, what do you do with the drippings from the candles?
The rabbi says, We send them to the candle
factory, and every once in a while they send us a free candle
The kid says, And what do you do with the
crumbs from your table?
The rabbi says, We send them to the Matzos
ball factory, and every once in a while
they send us a free box of Matzos balls
The kid says, And what do you do with the
foreskins from your circumcisions?
says the Rabbi, We send them to the Taxation Office and
every once in a while they
send us back a little prick like you
A Young hotshot gets a job with the Taxation office
His first assignment is to audit an old Rabbi
He thinks he'll have a little fun with the old Rabbi
so he says, Rabbi, what do you do with the drippings from the candles?
The rabbi says, We send them to the candle
factory, and every once in a while they send us a free candle
The kid says, And what do you do with the
crumbs from your table?
The rabbi says, We send them to the Matzos
ball factory, and every once in a while
they send us a free box of Matzos balls
The kid says, And what do you do with the
foreskins from your circumcisions?
says the Rabbi, We send them to the Taxation Office and
every once in a while they
send us back a little prick like you
She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am And have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would Make a hooker blush.
When they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess,
"I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK.
My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am And have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would Make a hooker blush.
When they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess,
"I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK.
My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.
A boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read,
"I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said.
"Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"
"I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said.
"Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"
The GI thing reminded me of a true story about an officer who was sent to Vietnam to give a pep talk to the ASA (Army Security Agency- aka Army Intelligence) unit. The officer held up a grasshopper for the troops to see and said "You see this grasshopper? It was being carried up a fence post by a group of ants. One ant couldn't do it alone! But together they were able to accomplish the task."
Then one of the privates piped up "And look where it got them! Some officer took it away!" Another one piped in "Damn officers are ALWAYS taking things away!"
Then one of the privates piped up "And look where it got them! Some officer took it away!" Another one piped in "Damn officers are ALWAYS taking things away!"
A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order. There was a big sign posted.
"No bills larger than $20 will be accepted."
The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked,
"Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating here."
"No bills larger than $20 will be accepted."
The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked,
"Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating here."
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A woman desperately looking for work went into a factory. The personnel manager looked over her resume and regretfully explained to her that he had nothing worthy of her talents. The woman answered that she really needed work and would take almost anything. The personnel manager hemmed and hawed and finally said that he did have a low-skill job on the Tickle Me Elmo line, but nothing else.
The woman happily accepted his offer. He took her down to the line, explained her duties, and told her to report at 8:00 AM the next day.
The next day at 8:45 there was a knock at the personnel manager's door. The Tickle Me Elmo line manager came in and started ranting about the woman who had just been hired. After listening to how badly backed up the assembly line was, the personnel manager suggested that the line manager show him the problem.
Together they went down to the line and, sure enough, Elmos were backed up from here to kingdom come. Right at the end of the line was the woman who had just been hired. She had pulled over a roll of the material used for the Elmos, and had a big bag of marbles. They both watched as she cut a little piece of fabric, took two marbles, and started sewing them between Elmo's legs.
The personnel manager started laughing uncontrollably. Finally, he pulled himself together, walked over to the new employee, and said, "I'm sorry. I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I wanted you to do was give Elmo two test
tickles."
The woman happily accepted his offer. He took her down to the line, explained her duties, and told her to report at 8:00 AM the next day.
The next day at 8:45 there was a knock at the personnel manager's door. The Tickle Me Elmo line manager came in and started ranting about the woman who had just been hired. After listening to how badly backed up the assembly line was, the personnel manager suggested that the line manager show him the problem.
Together they went down to the line and, sure enough, Elmos were backed up from here to kingdom come. Right at the end of the line was the woman who had just been hired. She had pulled over a roll of the material used for the Elmos, and had a big bag of marbles. They both watched as she cut a little piece of fabric, took two marbles, and started sewing them between Elmo's legs.
The personnel manager started laughing uncontrollably. Finally, he pulled himself together, walked over to the new employee, and said, "I'm sorry. I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I wanted you to do was give Elmo two test
tickles."
A modern EMPLOYEE HANDBOOK
DRESS CODE
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
SICK DAYS
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
PERSONAL DAYS
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
RESTROOM USE
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
LUNCH BREAK
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation, and input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week!
THE MANAGEMENT
DRESS CODE
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
SICK DAYS
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
PERSONAL DAYS
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
RESTROOM USE
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
LUNCH BREAK
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation, and input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week!
THE MANAGEMENT
REDNECK SPECIAL FORCES
>
> The Pentagon
> announced TODAY the formation of a new 500-man elite
> fighting unit
>
> called the United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF)
>
>
>
> These boys will be dropped off in Iraq
> and have been
> given only the following facts about ISIS
>
> 1. The
> season opened today.
> 2. There is no limit.
> 3. They taste
> just like chicken.
> 4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music,
> women in short shorts, dogs or
> Jesus..
> 5. They are directly responsible for the death of
> Dale
> Earnhardt.
>
>
> The Pentagon expects
> the problem in IRAQ to be over by Friday
>
> The Pentagon
> announced TODAY the formation of a new 500-man elite
> fighting unit
>
> called the United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF)
>
>
>
> These boys will be dropped off in Iraq
> and have been
> given only the following facts about ISIS
>
> 1. The
> season opened today.
> 2. There is no limit.
> 3. They taste
> just like chicken.
> 4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music,
> women in short shorts, dogs or
> Jesus..
> 5. They are directly responsible for the death of
> Dale
> Earnhardt.
>
>
> The Pentagon expects
> the problem in IRAQ to be over by Friday
MY STRESS RELIEF METHOD!
Picture yourself near a stream.
Birds are softly chirping in the crisp, cool, mountain air.
No one knows your secret place.
You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called "the world".
The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
The water is clear.
You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding under the water.
There now.....feeling better???
Picture yourself near a stream.
Birds are softly chirping in the crisp, cool, mountain air.
No one knows your secret place.
You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called "the world".
The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
The water is clear.
You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding under the water.
There now.....feeling better???
You know that tingly little feeling you got in your younger years when you really liked someone? That was common sense leaving your body
Bill Clinton was driving past the White House when he accidentally ran over the Obama?s new puppy, Sunny, crushing it flat as a fritter. He climbed out of his Rolls and sat down on the grass totally distraught. He knew Michele would go friggin' ballistic.
Then Bill noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground. He dug it up, brushed it off and immediately a Genie popped out. "You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment," said the Genie "As a reward I shall grant you one wish."
"Well," said Bill, "I have all the material things I need, but let me show you this damned dog."
They walk over to the splattered remains of Sunny. "Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me?" Bill asked.
The Genie looked at the remains and shook his head. "This critter is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life. Maybe there's something else you'd like?"
Bill thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos. "I had an affair with this beautiful young girl called Monica," said Bill, showing the genie the first photo. "But I?m actually married to this woman called Hillary" and he showed the genie the second photo. "You see what Hillary looks like, so do you think you can make her look like Monica?"
The Genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said, "Dang, let's have another look at that dog!"
Daris
Then Bill noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground. He dug it up, brushed it off and immediately a Genie popped out. "You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment," said the Genie "As a reward I shall grant you one wish."
"Well," said Bill, "I have all the material things I need, but let me show you this damned dog."
They walk over to the splattered remains of Sunny. "Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me?" Bill asked.
The Genie looked at the remains and shook his head. "This critter is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life. Maybe there's something else you'd like?"
Bill thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos. "I had an affair with this beautiful young girl called Monica," said Bill, showing the genie the first photo. "But I?m actually married to this woman called Hillary" and he showed the genie the second photo. "You see what Hillary looks like, so do you think you can make her look like Monica?"
The Genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said, "Dang, let's have another look at that dog!"
Daris
A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.
?Where do you think you're going?? asked the man.
?I'm going to Las Vegas,? said the wife. ?I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!?
The man said, ?Wait a minute!? and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.
?Where are you going?? asked the wife.
The man said, ?I'm going with you. I want to see how you're going live on $800 a year!?
?Where do you think you're going?? asked the man.
?I'm going to Las Vegas,? said the wife. ?I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!?
The man said, ?Wait a minute!? and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.
?Where are you going?? asked the wife.
The man said, ?I'm going with you. I want to see how you're going live on $800 a year!?
Hunter was 9 years old and was staying with his grandfather for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked, "Grandpa, what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?"
He was a little taken aback, but he decided to tell him the truth. "Well, Hunter, it's called se*ual intercourse."
"Oh", little Hunter said, "OK", and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandpa, it isn't called se*ual intercourse. It's called bunk beds. Oh, and Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you."
__________________
He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked, "Grandpa, what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?"
He was a little taken aback, but he decided to tell him the truth. "Well, Hunter, it's called se*ual intercourse."
"Oh", little Hunter said, "OK", and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandpa, it isn't called se*ual intercourse. It's called bunk beds. Oh, and Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you."
__________________
Havasu want to show the difference in his knees after surgery>
Nick
In Remembrance
... Lol
LOL
I do have to admit. After dual knee replacements, "hip to knee" x-rays are ordered every month for the next 4-5 months, so the doc can look at the alignment. Well, the x-ray tech gives out a small 3" triangle to cover 'things', and it is pretty embarrassing to see how far off your placement is when viewing the x-ray. It reminds me of 'pin the tail on the donkey!'
I do have to admit. After dual knee replacements, "hip to knee" x-rays are ordered every month for the next 4-5 months, so the doc can look at the alignment. Well, the x-ray tech gives out a small 3" triangle to cover 'things', and it is pretty embarrassing to see how far off your placement is when viewing the x-ray. It reminds me of 'pin the tail on the donkey!'
The Wedding Test
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me... it was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me... it was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
This is an actual job application that a 17 year old boy submitted to McDonald's in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!
NAME: Greg Bulmash.
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any. PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries.
NAME: Greg Bulmash.
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any. PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries.
...........
