Jokes

[Floorist]

An elderly couple in there 80s went to the park every day for years, and the elderly lady held the mans genitals all the time they were together, one day she turned up to find another lady holding his genitals. Very upset and crying she asked. What's she got that I haven't? To which the Gentleman replied Parkinsons!!

 

[havasu]

Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

The first hunter says " Wow, that's some hole, I can't even see the bottom, I wonder how deep it is?"

The second hunter says" I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says " There's this old transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see".

So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole. They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, and jumped in head first.

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. "Say there", says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"

And the old farmer said " Why that's impossible, I had him chained to a transmission! "
__________________

 

[zannej]

This is more of a visual earwig that amused me.

It is a bit cheesy though.

 

[Floorist]

A woman's story.....Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds"...

Willing to try anything, I fetched a piece of toilet paper and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

"How long will this take?" I asked.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.

I stopped.

"Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says: "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

 

[highup]

This is more of a visual earwig that amused me.

It is a bit cheesy though.

Funny once I found out what Stilton was................ I had to Google it.
I'm a Pepper Jack kind of guy, but the song would suck with that in the lyrics.

 

[zannej]

A high school buddy of mine posted this one.

 

[Floorist]

They wanted to allow divorced women to compete in the Miss America pageant. Was that a good idea?

Do you really want to hear,
"My dreams for the future include world peace,
and that my ex-husband gets killed by a bus."

 

[Floorist]

man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?"

"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the bum said.

"Will you use it to gamble?"

"I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?"

"Are you NUTS! I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

The man said, "Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The bum was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."

The man replied, "That's OK. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling, and golf."

 

[Floorist]

.....

 

[DarisMulkin]

See any problems here? Now I know why we have butt cracks.

Daris

 

[Nick]

I seen it all now .
He is going to have a sore back tomorrow if he makes it to the Hospital.

 

[Floorist]

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[rugaddict]

well thats what i always suspected----my attitude is broken

 

[Floorist]

A wife reports
My Husband, was not happy with my mood swings so he bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.
When I'm in a good mood it turns green.
When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.

 

[Floorist]

As we age, our priorities change ..

The other day I came home and was greeted by my wife, dressed only in very sexy underwear and holding a couple of short velvet ropes.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."





So, I tied her up and went fishing.

 

[Floorist]

What the heck am I supposed to do with this!?", the motorist grumbled to the policeman as he handed him a speeding ticket.

"Keep it", replied the cop, "When you collect four of them, you get a bicycle."

 

[Floorist]

.....

 

[zannej]

I need to find the picture again. George Takei posted a link to funny clothing tags and one of them said "dirty laundry keeps women busy".

 

[Floorist]

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[Floorist]

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