You can tell your dealing with rednecks when the preacher starts talking about when the Lord fed 5000 people with 2 fish, and 2 guys in the back start arguing wether they were catfish or bass.
Jokes
- Thread starter Floorist
- Start date
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..........so they were bass right?
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense." The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."
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woman visited a psychic of some repute.
In a dark and gloomy room, gazing at the Tarot cards laid out before her, the Tarot reader delivered the bad news; "There is no easy way to say this so I'll just be blunt, prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the psychic's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the Tarot reader's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked:
"Will I get away with it?
In a dark and gloomy room, gazing at the Tarot cards laid out before her, the Tarot reader delivered the bad news; "There is no easy way to say this so I'll just be blunt, prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the psychic's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the Tarot reader's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked:
"Will I get away with it?
My kind of guy
Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I
really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.'
The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today.
When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex.
That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.'
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what you say and I feel great.
I be at work soon. You got nice house.'
really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.'
The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today.
When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex.
That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.'
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what you say and I feel great.
I be at work soon. You got nice house.'
Two nicely dressed ladies happen to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the LAX airport. The first lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man. The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South.
When the conversation centered on whether they had any children the California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."
The lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"
The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz."
Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"
The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."
And again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"
The first woman then asked the Southern lady, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"
"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady.
"Oh my God! What on earth for?", asked the first woman.
The Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying "Who gives a damn?"
I learned to say, "Well, isn't that precious?"
When the conversation centered on whether they had any children the California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."
The lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"
The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz."
Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"
The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."
And again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"
The first woman then asked the Southern lady, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"
"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady.
"Oh my God! What on earth for?", asked the first woman.
The Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying "Who gives a damn?"
I learned to say, "Well, isn't that precious?"
HUSBAND: When I get mad at you, you never fight back.How do you control your anger?
WIFE : I clean the toilet....
HUSBAND:How does that help ?
WIFE : I use your toothbrush.
WIFE : I clean the toilet....
HUSBAND:How does that help ?
WIFE : I use your toothbrush.
.......
Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, "Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made passionate love on his desk right then and there!"
The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my fianc? got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!"
The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?
The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my fianc? got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!"
The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?
big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits the Middle East .
Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured.
Iraq , Iran and Syria are totally ruined and the governments don't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.
The rest of the world is in shock.
The USA is sending troops to help keep the peace.
Saudi Arabia is sending oil.
Latin American countries are sending clothing.
New Zealand and Australia are sending sheep, cattle and food crops.
The Asian countries are sending labor to assist in rebuilding the infrastructure.
Great Britain is sending medical teams and supplies.
Canada , not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Muslims.
Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured.
Iraq , Iran and Syria are totally ruined and the governments don't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.
The rest of the world is in shock.
The USA is sending troops to help keep the peace.
Saudi Arabia is sending oil.
Latin American countries are sending clothing.
New Zealand and Australia are sending sheep, cattle and food crops.
The Asian countries are sending labor to assist in rebuilding the infrastructure.
Great Britain is sending medical teams and supplies.
Canada , not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Muslims.
.....
Nick
In Remembrance
Good One .
husband went to police station to report his missing
> wife:
>
>
>
> Husband : I?ve lost my wife, she went shopping yesterday
> and has still not come home.
>
>
>
> Sergeant : What is her height ?
>
>
>
> Husband : Oh, 5 something . . .
>
>
>
> Sergeant : Build ?
>
>
>
> Husband : Not slim, not really fat.
>
>
>
> Sergeant : Color of eyes ?
>
>
>
> Husband : Never noticed.
>
>
>
> Sergeant : Color of hair ?
>
>
>
> Husband : Changes according to season.
>
>
>
> Sergeant : What was she wearing ?
>
>
>
> Husband : Dress/suit/blue jeans -- I don?t remember
> exactly.
>
>
>
> Sergeant : Did she go in a car?
>
>
>
> Husband : yes.
>
>
>
> Sergeant : What kind of car was it ?
>
>
>
> Husband : 2015 Corvette Stingray 3LT with the Z51
> Performance Package, shark gray metallic paint, with the 6.2
> litre V8 engine with Direct Injection generating 460 HP.
> 8-speed paddle-shift automatic transmission, and GT bucket
> seats, and has a very thin scratch on the front left
> door.?????. at this point the husband started
> crying...
>
>
>
> Sergeant : Don't worry sir.......We?ll find your car
> wife:
>
>
>
> Husband : I?ve lost my wife, she went shopping yesterday
> and has still not come home.
>
>
>
> Sergeant : What is her height ?
>
>
>
> Husband : Oh, 5 something . . .
>
>
>
> Sergeant : Build ?
>
>
>
> Husband : Not slim, not really fat.
>
>
>
> Sergeant : Color of eyes ?
>
>
>
> Husband : Never noticed.
>
>
>
> Sergeant : Color of hair ?
>
>
>
> Husband : Changes according to season.
>
>
>
> Sergeant : What was she wearing ?
>
>
>
> Husband : Dress/suit/blue jeans -- I don?t remember
> exactly.
>
>
>
> Sergeant : Did she go in a car?
>
>
>
> Husband : yes.
>
>
>
> Sergeant : What kind of car was it ?
>
>
>
> Husband : 2015 Corvette Stingray 3LT with the Z51
> Performance Package, shark gray metallic paint, with the 6.2
> litre V8 engine with Direct Injection generating 460 HP.
> 8-speed paddle-shift automatic transmission, and GT bucket
> seats, and has a very thin scratch on the front left
> door.?????. at this point the husband started
> crying...
>
>
>
> Sergeant : Don't worry sir.......We?ll find your car
Advantages of adopting a dog.
1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog's parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, If I died, would you get another dog??
10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting..
13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
And last, but not least:
14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.
1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog's parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, If I died, would you get another dog??
10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting..
13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
And last, but not least:
14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.
The CDC said that if ebola became an epidemic among English speaking people in LA, as many as 9 people could get sick. 
The CDC said that if ebola became an epidemic among English speaking people in LA, as many as 9 people could get sick.
Boy, ain't that the truth buddy!
