Jokes

[Floorist]

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the present time, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went unnoticed .
Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully in his sleep at the age of 93.
The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.
They put his left leg in,and thats when all the trouble started.....

 

[Floorist]

A big game hunter went on a safari with his wife and mother-in-law.
One morning, while still deep in the jungle, the hunter's wife awakened to find her mother gone.

She woke her husband, and they both set off in search of the old woman.

In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight. The mother-in-law was standing face-to-face with a lion

"What are we going to do?" his horrified wife asked.

"Nothing," her husband replied, "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."

 

[havasu]

Seems about right...

 

[DarisMulkin]

What deep thinkers we men are... I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'. The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what'. At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would then lead to other questions.

Finally, I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I arrived at the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is clearly more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case.



Time for another beer.

 

[DarisMulkin]

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand


walks into a Small village and sees a local sitting on


his veranda patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi

'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'

Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'

Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing


at the Villager)

Dog: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day,


feeds me great food And takes me to the lake once


a week to play.'

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Cool'

Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the


villager)

Horse: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes me down often and keeps me in


the shed to protect me from the Elements.'

Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Kiwi: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a


liar..'

 

[Floorist]

After all the stuff about Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner, I decided to be honest.

I was born a caucasian male, however every since I was 7, I've known that I was a tomato. Please accept me for who I am. BTW, I would like all restaurants to stop serving ketchup, because I find it offensive.

 

[Floorist]

NOTES FROM A LADY THAT I KNOW





Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old, as long as she buys him a few drinks first.

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.

I'm getting into swing dancing.. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

I think I've reached my sexpiration date.

People our age can still enjoy an active, passionate sex life! Provided we get cable or that dish thing.

The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our ****s. The bad news is they have to squat down first.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but they haven't made one called "Buns of Putty."

Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.

Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up.

Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.

 

[Jon]

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand


walks into a Small village and sees a local sitting on


his veranda patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi

'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'

Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'

Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing


at the Villager)

Dog: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day,


feeds me great food And takes me to the lake once


a week to play.'

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Cool'

Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the


villager)

Horse: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes me down often and keeps me in


the shed to protect me from the Elements.'

Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Kiwi: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a


liar..'

Daris why do you think Kiwis wear large gum boots?

 

[Floorist]

A FEW GATHERED THOUGHTS




Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice:
The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL."

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

Did you ever notice:
When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs."

 

[Floorist]

A wealthy 86-year-old gentleman went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 86-year-old said, "Things are great. I've never felt better. I now have a 20-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that, Doc?" The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story... "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season."

"One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit, he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang!' Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point... exactly."

 

[Floorist]

,,,,,,

 

[Floorist]

Activities at the retirement home!





1. Sag, you're it.

2. Hide and go pee.

3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.

4. Kick the bucket

5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.

6. Musical recliners.

7. Simon says something incoherent

 

[Darol Wester]

I haven't verified this on Snopes or Google but it sounds legit. A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

 

[Floorist]

If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.
*~Jay Leno~

*The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
*~Henry Cate, VII~

*We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
*~Aesop~

*If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union Speeches, there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven.
*~Will Rogers~

*When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it.
*~Clarence Darrow~

*Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, they go out and buy some more tunnel.
*~John Quinton~

*Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.
*~Oscar Ameringer~

*I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them.
*~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952~

*A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his
country.
*~ Tex Guinan~

*I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.
*~Charles de Gaulle~

*Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.
*~Doug Larson~

*There ought to be one day -- just one -- when there is open season on senators.
*~Will Rogers~

BUT - my favorite is from Harry Truman:
If you want a real friend - that you can trust in Washington - go buy a dog!

 

[Floorist]

Every day

 

[Floorist]

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, " Why then don't you eat the peanuts yourself?".

"We can't chew them because we've no teeth," she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"

The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."

 

[DarisMulkin]

Daughter asking dad..


The daughter asks her Dad, "Dad there is something that my boyfriend said to me, that I didn't understand."
"He said that I have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper."






Her Dad said, "You tell your boyfriend that if he opens your bonnet and tries to check your oil with his dipstick"
"I will tighten his nuts so hard that his headlights will pop out and he will start leaking out of his exhaust pipe."

Daris

 

[Nick]

QUESTION:



Why was Mayberry so peaceful?

ANSWER:

No one was married.

Here are the single people:

Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Ernest T Bass, the Darlin family, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara.

In fact, the only one who was married was Otis and he stayed drunk.

 

[Darol Wester]

Those folks are like family to me, having watched them for 50+ years. What a great bunch they were. I still catch them from time to time. Good ol wholesome tv.

 

[Nick]

They are still on every night around 6 for a hour .

Heard Aunt Bee , and Andy didn't get along .