Every day
Jokes
- Thread starter Floorist
- Start date
Help Support Flooring Forum - DIY & Professional:
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, " Why then don't you eat the peanuts yourself?".
"We can't chew them because we've no teeth," she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"
The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."
"We can't chew them because we've no teeth," she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"
The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."
Daughter asking dad..
The daughter asks her Dad, "Dad there is something that my boyfriend said to me, that I didn't understand."
"He said that I have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper."
Her Dad said, "You tell your boyfriend that if he opens your bonnet and tries to check your oil with his dipstick"
"I will tighten his nuts so hard that his headlights will pop out and he will start leaking out of his exhaust pipe."
Daris
The daughter asks her Dad, "Dad there is something that my boyfriend said to me, that I didn't understand."
"He said that I have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper."
Her Dad said, "You tell your boyfriend that if he opens your bonnet and tries to check your oil with his dipstick"
"I will tighten his nuts so hard that his headlights will pop out and he will start leaking out of his exhaust pipe."
Daris
Nick
In Remembrance
QUESTION:
Why was Mayberry so peaceful?
ANSWER:
No one was married.
Here are the single people:
Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Ernest T Bass, the Darlin family, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara.
In fact, the only one who was married was Otis and he stayed drunk.
Why was Mayberry so peaceful?
ANSWER:
No one was married.
Here are the single people:
Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Ernest T Bass, the Darlin family, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara.
In fact, the only one who was married was Otis and he stayed drunk.
Those folks are like family to me, having watched them for 50+ years. What a great bunch they were. I still catch them from time to time. Good ol wholesome tv.
Nick
In Remembrance
They are still on every night around 6 for a hour .
Heard Aunt Bee , and Andy didn't get along .
Heard Aunt Bee , and Andy didn't get along .
They sure didn't show it.
Nick
In Remembrance
Pancake makeup does wonders . 
Late in the night, when he regained consciousness, an Army helicopter pilot found himself in the hospital, ​
agonizing in pain.​ He was in the ICU with tubes in his mouth, needles and IV drips in both arms, a breathing
mask, wires monitoring every function, and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him.
He realized that he was in​ ​a l​ife-threatening situation.
The nurse gave him a serious, deep look, straight into his eyes, then spoke to him slowly and clearly, enunciating each word and syllable,
"You may not feel anything from the waist down."
Somehow he managed to reply,
"Can I feel your tits, then?"
AND THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS A POSITIVE ATTITUDE !
agonizing in pain.​ He was in the ICU with tubes in his mouth, needles and IV drips in both arms, a breathing
mask, wires monitoring every function, and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him.
He realized that he was in​ ​a l​ife-threatening situation.
The nurse gave him a serious, deep look, straight into his eyes, then spoke to him slowly and clearly, enunciating each word and syllable,
"You may not feel anything from the waist down."
Somehow he managed to reply,
"Can I feel your tits, then?"
AND THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS A POSITIVE ATTITUDE !
Confucious Say
Confucius
Say....
Kiss is merely shopping upstairs,
For merchandise downstairs.
Confucius
Say.
Better to lose a lover
Than love a loser.
Confucius Say.
Man with broken condom
Often called Daddy Confucius
Say.
Sex is same as bank account.
You put it in, you take it out....you lose
interest.
Confucius Say.
Viagra just like Disneyland ...
One hour wait for 5 minute ride.
Confucius Say.
Much better to want the mate you do not have
Than to have the mate you do not want.
Confucius Say.
Joke is like sex.
Neither any good if you don't get
it.
Confucius
Say....
Kiss is merely shopping upstairs,
For merchandise downstairs.
Confucius
Say.
Better to lose a lover
Than love a loser.
Confucius Say.
Man with broken condom
Often called Daddy Confucius
Say.
Sex is same as bank account.
You put it in, you take it out....you lose
interest.
Confucius Say.
Viagra just like Disneyland ...
One hour wait for 5 minute ride.
Confucius Say.
Much better to want the mate you do not have
Than to have the mate you do not want.
Confucius Say.
Joke is like sex.
Neither any good if you don't get
it.
Irish Alzheimer's
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday & the priest nearly fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life.
After Mass, the priest caught up with him & said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"
Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father. A while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."
The priest said, "WELL, MURPHY, I NOTICE THAT YA DIDN'T STEAL McGLYNN'S HAT. WHAT CHANGED YOUR MIND?"
Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."
With a tear in his eye, the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said, "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in hell, eh?"
Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery', I remembered where I left me hat."
__________________
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday & the priest nearly fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life.
After Mass, the priest caught up with him & said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"
Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father. A while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."
The priest said, "WELL, MURPHY, I NOTICE THAT YA DIDN'T STEAL McGLYNN'S HAT. WHAT CHANGED YOUR MIND?"
Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."
With a tear in his eye, the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said, "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in hell, eh?"
Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery', I remembered where I left me hat."
__________________
Nick
In Remembrance
When everybody on earth passed on and were waiting to enter Heaven, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines: One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter."
Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men.
The line of men who were dominated by their wives was 1000 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.
God said to the long line, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves; I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."
God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."
Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men.
The line of men who were dominated by their wives was 1000 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.
God said to the long line, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves; I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."
God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."
When I heard Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson were guest preacher nearby black Houston Church , I decided to check them out in person and see
I sat down and Sharpton came up to me, I don't know why, maybe it was because I was the only white person in the Church.
He laid his hands on my hand and said: "By the will of Jesus the Lord All Mighty, and the will of God, you will walk today. "
I told him I was not paralyzed.
Then Jesse Jackson came by and said: "By the Grace of God, and his Son Jesus, the Lord All Mighty, you will walk today. "
Again I told him there is nothing wrong with me.
After the sermon I stepped outside and Lo and Behold, my fucking car had been stolen...
I sat down and Sharpton came up to me, I don't know why, maybe it was because I was the only white person in the Church.
He laid his hands on my hand and said: "By the will of Jesus the Lord All Mighty, and the will of God, you will walk today. "
I told him I was not paralyzed.
Then Jesse Jackson came by and said: "By the Grace of God, and his Son Jesus, the Lord All Mighty, you will walk today. "
Again I told him there is nothing wrong with me.
After the sermon I stepped outside and Lo and Behold, my fucking car had been stolen...
Sign in a bar
From Jonathon Hutton
President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.
"Hello, President Obama a heavily accented southern voice said. "This is
Archie, down here at Joe's Catfish Shack, in Mobile , and I am callin' to
tell yall that we are officially declaring war on y'all!"
"Well Archie," Barack replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is
your army?"
"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, my
cousin Harold, my next-door-neighbor Randy, and the whole dart team from
Hooters. That makes eight!"
Barack paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my
army waiting to move on my command."
"Wow," said Archie. "I'll have to call ya back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. Mr. Obama, the war is still
on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be Archie?" Barack asked.
"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harrys farm tractor."
President Obama sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks
and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one
and a half million since we last spoke."
"Lord above", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."
Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. President Obama! I am sorry
to have to tell you that we have had to call off this here war."
"I'm sorry to hear that" said Barack. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat
over sweet tea, and come to realize that there's just no way we can feed
that many prisoners."
SOUTHERN CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN
If you are a REAL Southerner, you won't even need to be told to pass this on!
President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.
"Hello, President Obama a heavily accented southern voice said. "This is
Archie, down here at Joe's Catfish Shack, in Mobile , and I am callin' to
tell yall that we are officially declaring war on y'all!"
"Well Archie," Barack replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is
your army?"
"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, my
cousin Harold, my next-door-neighbor Randy, and the whole dart team from
Hooters. That makes eight!"
Barack paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my
army waiting to move on my command."
"Wow," said Archie. "I'll have to call ya back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. Mr. Obama, the war is still
on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be Archie?" Barack asked.
"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harrys farm tractor."
President Obama sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks
and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one
and a half million since we last spoke."
"Lord above", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."
Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. President Obama! I am sorry
to have to tell you that we have had to call off this here war."
"I'm sorry to hear that" said Barack. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat
over sweet tea, and come to realize that there's just no way we can feed
that many prisoners."
SOUTHERN CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN
If you are a REAL Southerner, you won't even need to be told to pass this on!
Oh yeah!
A guy walked into a
> crowded bar, waving his unholstered pistol and yelled,
> "I have a .45 Colt with an eight shot clip and I want
> to know who's been sleeping with my
> wife."
>
> A voice from the back of
> the bar called out, "You don't have enough
> ammo!"
> crowded bar, waving his unholstered pistol and yelled,
> "I have a .45 Colt with an eight shot clip and I want
> to know who's been sleeping with my
> wife."
>
> A voice from the back of
> the bar called out, "You don't have enough
> ammo!"
A prospective husband in a book store "Do you have a book called, 'Husband -- the Master of the House?'" Sales girl: "Sir, Fiction and Comics are on the 1st floor!"
The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home."
"Why not?" asked someone from the back of the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time. 'Hon,' I suggested, 'Why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"
The voice from the back asked, "Did it save time?"
The expert replied, "Actually, yes. It used to take her twenty minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven .
"Why not?" asked someone from the back of the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time. 'Hon,' I suggested, 'Why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"
The voice from the back asked, "Did it save time?"
The expert replied, "Actually, yes. It used to take her twenty minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven .
A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.
"Do you enjoy it?" The doctor asked "Actually, yes I do," She answered.
"Does it hurt you?" he asked. "No. I rather like it," she responded.
"Well, then," the doctor continued, "there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care to not get pregnant."
The woman was mystified. "What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?"
"Of course," the doctor replied. "Where do you think people like Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, Debbie Wasserman Schultz, Barack Obama, and Al Sharpton come from?"
"Do you enjoy it?" The doctor asked "Actually, yes I do," She answered.
"Does it hurt you?" he asked. "No. I rather like it," she responded.
"Well, then," the doctor continued, "there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care to not get pregnant."
The woman was mystified. "What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?"
"Of course," the doctor replied. "Where do you think people like Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, Debbie Wasserman Schultz, Barack Obama, and Al Sharpton come from?"
