Jokes

[DarisMulkin]

A businessman in the first class cabin decided to talk to the drop dead,



gorgeous flight attendant:



Businessman: “What is your name?”

Flight Attendant: “Angela Benz, sir”

Businessman: “Lovely name ... any relation to Mercedes Benz?”

Flight Attendant: “Yes sir, very close”

Businessman: “How close?”

Flight Attendant: “Same price

 

[Floorist]

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me,
grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, what are you gonna do about it?" he says menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me.

When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any theft insurance.

I left my wallet in the cab I took home where I found my wife in bed with another man and then my dog bit me. "
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I toss down three drinks in a row, then I buy another.




I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve.




Then you show up and drink the whole thing!




But, enough about me. How are you doing?"

 

[Floorist]

Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing.

He called the royal weather forecaster, a very important position, and inquired as to the weather
forecast for the next few hours.

The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.
So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon
seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once
because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area".

The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high
regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. Besides, I pay him very
high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way."
So he continued on his way.

A short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked
and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.

Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the weatherman at once!

Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.

The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information
from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."

So the king hired the donkey.

And so began the practice of hiring ***** to work in the government and occupy its highest and most
influential positions.

 

[Floorist]

An elderly couple was at home, watching tv.

Phil had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and a po*nography channel.

Jill became more and more annoyed and finally told him, "For goodness sake, Phil! "Leave it on the p*rn channel... you know how to fish!"

 

[Floorist]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".

 

[Floorist]

While quietly strolling 'round the harbor this morning, around 10am, I noticed this character shouting "allah be praised" and "Death to all infidels" and suddenly he fell into the water.

He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the explosives he was carrying. If he didn't get help, he would surely drown.

Being a responsible American citizen, and abiding by the law of the land that requires you to help those in distress, I informed the Police, the Coast Guard, the Immigration office and even the Fire Dept.

It's now 3pm, the terrorist has drowned and none of the authorities have yet responded.

I'm beginning to think I just wasted 4 postage stamps

 

[Nick]

....

 

[Floorist]

.....

 

[Floorist]

A young woman was pulled over for speeding. A police officer walked up to her car window, flipping open his ticket book.
She said "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the police officers ball"
He replied "Police officers don't have balls"
There was a moment of silence. He then closed his book, tipped his hat, got back in his patrol car and left

 

[Nick]

[ame]https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=LR2qZ0A8vic[/ame]

 

[Floorist]

.............

 

[Floorist]

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."

 

[DarisMulkin]

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or


​ ​

not an older person should be put in an old age home?"




"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup


​ ​

and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the
bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
















"No," he said. "A normal person would pull the plug.


​ ​

Do you want a bed near the window?"

 

[DarisMulkin]

For all the men who think they aren't old...


A Man's Age According to Home Depot



You are in the middle of some home projects: putting in a new fence, painting the porch, planting some flowers and fixing a broken door lock.


You are hot and sweaty, covered with dirt, lawn clippings and paint. You


have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit -- shorts with a hole in


the crotch, an old T-shirt with a stain from who-knows-what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.


Right in the middle of these tasks you realize that you need to run to Home Depot for supplies. Depending on your age you might do the following:


In your 20s: Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because, you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout line. And yes, you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.


In your 30s: Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change your shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it! Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister of someone you went to school with.


In your 40s: Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brut is almost empty, so don't waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The hot young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird about thinking she's spicy.


In your 50s: Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat. Wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dog crap in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember -- the hat you have on is from Bubba's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms '


In your 60s: Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat any more. Hose the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50s. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute but you don't have your glasses on, so you're not sure.


In your 70s: Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until you call the drug store to have your prescriptions ready for pick too and check your grocery list for a quick stop there. Got to save trips! Don't even notice the dog crap on your shoes. The young thing at the register stares at you and you realize your balls are hanging out the hole in your crotch… who cares.


In your 80s: Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you need to go to Home Depot. You go to Wal-Mart instead. You went to school with the old lady greeter. You wander around trying to remember what you are looking for. Then you fart out loud and turn around thinking someone called your name.


In your 90s & beyond: What's a home deep hoe? Something for my garden? Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this?


Did I send it? Did you? Who farted?


Everyone should laugh at least once a day.

 

[havasu]

Thanks for this! I swear it is spot on!

 

[Nick]

Good one Floorist .

 

[highup]

 

[Floorist]

.......

 

[highup]

Bailing wire has to be in the mix somewhere............ It allows limited yet controlled movement.

 

[Floorist]

A pregnant Irish woman from Dublin is involved in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your Uncle from Cork came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh No, not my Uncle... he's an idiot!"

She asks the doctor,"Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise."

"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"

"Denephew."