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People were in their pews talking at church. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the altar.

Everyone started screaming and running for the entrance, trampling each
other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.


Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who
sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill with a word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for
all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope," said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you
afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "I've been married to your sister for 44 years."
 
.....

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This is an actual job application that a 17 year old boy submitted to McDonald's in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash.

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any. PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.
 
A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the husband replied, "In-laws."
 
My cousin was hauling a load of rolled sod to Texas ...
Gets pulled over by Louisiana state trooper ...
Trooper walks up to the door ...
... Can I help you officer ?
Trooper .. was just wondering where the Willie Nelson concert was being held at ....

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A businessman in the first class cabin decided to talk to the drop dead,



gorgeous flight attendant:



Businessman: “What is your name?”

Flight Attendant: “Angela Benz, sir”

Businessman: “Lovely name ... any relation to Mercedes Benz?”

Flight Attendant: “Yes sir, very close”

Businessman: “How close?”

Flight Attendant: “Same price
 
There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me,
grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, what are you gonna do about it?" he says menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me.

When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any theft insurance.

I left my wallet in the cab I took home where I found my wife in bed with another man and then my dog bit me. "
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I toss down three drinks in a row, then I buy another.




I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve.




Then you show up and drink the whole thing!




But, enough about me. How are you doing?"
 
Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing.

He called the royal weather forecaster, a very important position, and inquired as to the weather
forecast for the next few hours.

The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.
So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon
seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once
because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area".

The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high
regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. Besides, I pay him very
high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way."
So he continued on his way.

A short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked
and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.

Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the weatherman at once!

Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.

The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information
from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."

So the king hired the donkey.

And so began the practice of hiring asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most
influential positions.
 
An elderly couple was at home, watching tv.

Phil had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and a po*nography channel.

Jill became more and more annoyed and finally told him, "For goodness sake, Phil! "Leave it on the p*rn channel... you know how to fish!"
 
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".
 
While quietly strolling 'round the harbor this morning, around 10am, I noticed this character shouting "allah be praised" and "Death to all infidels" and suddenly he fell into the water.

He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the explosives he was carrying. If he didn't get help, he would surely drown.

Being a responsible American citizen, and abiding by the law of the land that requires you to help those in distress, I informed the Police, the Coast Guard, the Immigration office and even the Fire Dept.

It's now 3pm, the terrorist has drowned and none of the authorities have yet responded.

I'm beginning to think I just wasted 4 postage stamps
 
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. A police officer walked up to her car window, flipping open his ticket book.
She said "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the police officers ball"
He replied "Police officers don't have balls"
There was a moment of silence. He then closed his book, tipped his hat, got back in his patrol car and left
 
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."
 
During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or


​ ​

not an older person should be put in an old age home?"




"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup


​ ​

and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the
bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
















"No," he said. "A normal person would pull the plug.


​ ​

Do you want a bed near the window?"
 

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