That's a good one!
Jokes
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Nick
In Remembrance
....
A policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.
The doctors operated and advised him that all was well, however,
the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.
Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't
told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his
hospital gown up enough so he could look at what
was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts
were three wide strips of adhesive tape,
the kind that doesn't come off easily -- if at all.
Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence,
"Get well soon, from the nurse in the Ford Explorer you pulled over last week."
Kind of brings tears to your eyes doesn't it?
The doctors operated and advised him that all was well, however,
the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.
Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't
told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his
hospital gown up enough so he could look at what
was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts
were three wide strips of adhesive tape,
the kind that doesn't come off easily -- if at all.
Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence,
"Get well soon, from the nurse in the Ford Explorer you pulled over last week."
Kind of brings tears to your eyes doesn't it?
..............
A group of women were at a seminar on "How to live in a loving relationship with your husband." The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?" All of the women raised their hands. Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you love him?" Some women answered today, some said yesterday and some couldn't remember!
The women were told to take out their cell phones and text to their husband: "I love you, sweetheart." Then they were instructed to exchange phones with another person, and to read aloud the text message received in response to the message.
Below are replies; some are hilarious. If you have been married for quite a while - a sign of true love - who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?
1. Who the hell is this?
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's wrong?
4. What now? Did you crash the car again?
5. I don't understand what you mean?
6. What the hell did you do now?
7. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
8. Am I dreaming?
9. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
10. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.
11. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she
The women were told to take out their cell phones and text to their husband: "I love you, sweetheart." Then they were instructed to exchange phones with another person, and to read aloud the text message received in response to the message.
Below are replies; some are hilarious. If you have been married for quite a while - a sign of true love - who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?
1. Who the hell is this?
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's wrong?
4. What now? Did you crash the car again?
5. I don't understand what you mean?
6. What the hell did you do now?
7. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
8. Am I dreaming?
9. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
10. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.
11. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she
So I walked into a bar and heard two girls speaking in what sounded like a lovely Scottish accent. I said: So, are you two girls from Scotland?
One of them said: "Wales Idiot!"
So I said: "Oh, I am terribly sorry about that. So, are you two Whales from Scotland?"
That's the last thing I remember.
One of them said: "Wales Idiot!"
So I said: "Oh, I am terribly sorry about that. So, are you two Whales from Scotland?"
That's the last thing I remember.
Got home real late last night after a full day of golfing, drinking,
and hanging out with the guys, and my wife left a message in the kitchen.
I think she wants me to eat more fruit, bless her heart!
and hanging out with the guys, and my wife left a message in the kitchen.
I think she wants me to eat more fruit, bless her heart!
13) When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "It wont leak in your pocket and embarrass you." The company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."
12) Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing Sucks like an Electrolux."
11) Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "Manure Stick."
10) Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea."
9) Pepsis "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave" in Chinese.
8) When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the labels of whats inside, since many people cant read.
7) Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious ****o magazine.
6) Frank Perdues chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken," was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."
5) When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its "Fly In Leather" campaign literally, which meant "Fly Naked" (vuela en cuero) in Spanish.
4) An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Popes visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope"(el Papa), the shirts read "I Saw the Potato" (la papa).
3) The Dairy Associations huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are You Lactating?"
2) General Motors had a very famous fiasco in trying to market the Nova car in Central and South America. "No va" in Spanish means, "It Doesnt Go".
1) The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela" meaning "Bite the Wax Tadpole" or "Female Horse Stuffed with Wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "kokoukole", translating into "Happiness in the Mouth
12) Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing Sucks like an Electrolux."
11) Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "Manure Stick."
10) Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea."
9) Pepsis "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave" in Chinese.
8) When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the labels of whats inside, since many people cant read.
7) Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious ****o magazine.
6) Frank Perdues chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken," was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."
5) When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its "Fly In Leather" campaign literally, which meant "Fly Naked" (vuela en cuero) in Spanish.
4) An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Popes visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope"(el Papa), the shirts read "I Saw the Potato" (la papa).
3) The Dairy Associations huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are You Lactating?"
2) General Motors had a very famous fiasco in trying to market the Nova car in Central and South America. "No va" in Spanish means, "It Doesnt Go".
1) The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela" meaning "Bite the Wax Tadpole" or "Female Horse Stuffed with Wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "kokoukole", translating into "Happiness in the Mouth
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was a man at the cemetery in front of a tombstone keeled down and crying while saying " why did you die "? Another man walked by and said " I feel sorry for you, was it your son, daughter, wife "? " No, it was my first wife's husband ".
There was a man at the cemetery in front of a tombstone keeled down and crying while saying " why did you die "? Another man walked by and said " I feel sorry for you, was it your son, daughter, wife "? " No, it was my first wife's husband ".
Funny quote
"Good sex is like a good game of Bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand." - Mae West
"Good sex is like a good game of Bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand." - Mae West
..........
Nick
In Remembrance
....
A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2 AM, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs.
Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had a couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets and they broke and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt.
A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood so he checked himself out in the mirror, and sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances and he went to bed.
The next morning, his head was hurting and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story when his wife came into the bedroom. "Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"
"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."
"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied, "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?"
"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"
"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror
Daris
Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had a couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets and they broke and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt.
A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood so he checked himself out in the mirror, and sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances and he went to bed.
The next morning, his head was hurting and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story when his wife came into the bedroom. "Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"
"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."
"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied, "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?"
"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"
"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror
Daris
One day on the golf course, a golfer accidentally overturned his golf cart.
A very attractive woman, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise, came out onto her balcony and called out to him, Hey, are you okay?
I'm fine, thanks," he replied.
"You look frazzled, the woman said, Come up to my villa for a drink and I will help you get the cart up afterwards."
"That's mighty nice of you," he answered, But I don't think my wife would like that."
"Oh, come on, " the woman, a gorgeous brunette in a sexy bikini, insisted. I can see you've cut your head. It could be serious. Let me take care of that right away. I'm a nurse.
she was very persuasive....and he was weak.
"Well okay," he agreed, but added, "But my wife won't like it."
After she bandaged his wound, she gave him a most welcome brandy. They talked a little about golf and he discovered she was an avid golfer with a four handicap. When he confessed to a weakness in his putting, she gave him a putting lesson holding him close and intimately as she did so.
Finally he confessed, "I feel a lot better now, but I had better get going. I know my wife is going to be really upset with me being here with you."
"Don't be silly! the woman said with a smile, She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Under the cart," he replied.
A very attractive woman, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise, came out onto her balcony and called out to him, Hey, are you okay?
I'm fine, thanks," he replied.
"You look frazzled, the woman said, Come up to my villa for a drink and I will help you get the cart up afterwards."
"That's mighty nice of you," he answered, But I don't think my wife would like that."
"Oh, come on, " the woman, a gorgeous brunette in a sexy bikini, insisted. I can see you've cut your head. It could be serious. Let me take care of that right away. I'm a nurse.
she was very persuasive....and he was weak.
"Well okay," he agreed, but added, "But my wife won't like it."
After she bandaged his wound, she gave him a most welcome brandy. They talked a little about golf and he discovered she was an avid golfer with a four handicap. When he confessed to a weakness in his putting, she gave him a putting lesson holding him close and intimately as she did so.
Finally he confessed, "I feel a lot better now, but I had better get going. I know my wife is going to be really upset with me being here with you."
"Don't be silly! the woman said with a smile, She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Under the cart," he replied.
Sorry to interrupt this thread with my own bad news but I can't hold it in anymore.
I lost my best friend and drinking buddy last weekend in a tragic accident.
He got his finger caught in a wedding ring....
I lost my best friend and drinking buddy last weekend in a tragic accident.
He got his finger caught in a wedding ring....
................too soon?
A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes..
"Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt", the golfer mumbles to himself.
Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you be willing to give up a quarter of your sex life to sink the putt?"
Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen, so he says, "Sounds good to me," - and promptly sinks the putt!
Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gosh, I wish I could get an eagle on this one."
The same stranger is suddenly at his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth giving up another quarter of your sex life to make an eagle?"
Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay." And, amazingly, he makes the eagle.
On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, "Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?"
"Definitely," the golfer replies, and, sure enough, he makes the eagle - and wins the match.
As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks along
Beside him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you because you
Don't know who I am. I'm Satan, and from this day forward you really will have no sex life at all."
"Nice to meet you," the golfer replies. "I'm Father O'Malley."
"Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt", the golfer mumbles to himself.
Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you be willing to give up a quarter of your sex life to sink the putt?"
Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen, so he says, "Sounds good to me," - and promptly sinks the putt!
Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gosh, I wish I could get an eagle on this one."
The same stranger is suddenly at his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth giving up another quarter of your sex life to make an eagle?"
Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay." And, amazingly, he makes the eagle.
On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, "Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?"
"Definitely," the golfer replies, and, sure enough, he makes the eagle - and wins the match.
As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks along
Beside him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you because you
Don't know who I am. I'm Satan, and from this day forward you really will have no sex life at all."
"Nice to meet you," the golfer replies. "I'm Father O'Malley."
..................
Nick
In Remembrance
....
Two blondes walk into a tanning salon.
The receptionist asks, "Are you two sisters?"
They chuckle and reply,
" No, we aren't even Catholic."
The receptionist asks, "Are you two sisters?"
They chuckle and reply,
" No, we aren't even Catholic."
