Jokes

[Floorist]

Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi were sitting around drinking coffee. Someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.. One thing led to another, and they decided that each would find a bear andattempt to convert it to their religion.




Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.




Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling and had various bandages on his body and limbs, spoke first. Well, he said, 'I went into the woods to find a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear came after me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb.'




Reverend Billy Bob the Baptist spoke next. He was in a wheelchair and had an IV drip. 'I went out and found me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from the Bible!But that bear came after me. We wrestled down one hill, until we came to a creek. So I quickly dunked him and baptized his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb.




The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying ina hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, I probably shouldn’t have started with circumcision.

 

[Floorist]

 

[Nick]

Someone is sleeping on the couch tonight ..

 

[Nick]

 

[highup]

I don't know where you guys get this stuff.
I don't want to know......... it's easier if you guys look for me.

 

[Floorist]

The best way to remember your wife's birthday is,



to forget it once.

 

[Nick]

 

[Nick]

 

[Floorist]

A man washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep
and a sheepdog were washed-up with him. After looking
around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted
island.

After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking
his two animal companions to the beach every evening to
watch the sunset.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with
beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a
perfect night for romance.ette

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and
better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the
sheep and put his arm around it.

The sheepdog, ever-protective of the sheep, growled fiercely
until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets
together, but there was no more cuddling.



A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another
shipwreck. The only survivor was Hillary Clinton.

That evening, the man brought Hillary to the evening beach
ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus
clouds, a warm and gentle breeze, perfect for a night of
romance.

Pretty soon, the man started to get those feelings again.
He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave
in and leaned over to Hillary and told her he hadn't had
sex for months.

Hillary batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything
she could do for him.




He said, 'Take the dog for a walk.'

 

[Nick]

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big ****s.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend with big ****s, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.


In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.


When I was 35 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 40, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big ****s.

 

[Floorist]

 

[Nick]

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.

The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette,
with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit pissed
off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says,

"Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"

 

[Floorist]

INSULTS

"You'll never be the man your mother is."

"Mirrors can't talk...and lucky for you they can't laugh, either."

"You love nature? Despite what it did to you?"

"I'd really like to help you out...which way did you come in?"


MILITARY HUMOR [gleaned from all over]

Allegedly found in a pre-civil-war US Army Officer's training manual: "Enlisted men are generally stupid, but are sly and cunning, and will bear considerable watching."

From junior officers' evaluation reports (both US and UK):
-- "He has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig."
-- "Intellectually, he has a full six-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it together."
-- "This young officer has delusions of adequacy."
-- "He has carried out each and every one of his assignments to his entire satisfaction."
-- "I would not breed from this officer."
-- "This young officer is depriving some village of an idiot."
-- [my personal favorite] "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."

Instructions regarding weapons:
-- "Use tracer ammo sparingly, if at all -- remember, tracers work both ways."
-- [printed on a bazooka] "POINT THIS END AT ENEMY"
-- [hand-printed in large letters on a Claymore mine (also known as the "red vapor mist machine") with a 60-degree schrapnel arc] "Please, PLEASE point this side toward the enemy."
-- [from US Army's magazine of preventive maintenance] "A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
-- [from a USAF training manual "It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
-- [US Army infantry manual] "Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
-- "Any ship can be a minesweeper...once."
-- "If you see a bomb technician running, follow him immediately".
-- "Five-second fuses only last three seconds."
-- "If the enemy is in range...so are you."
-- "When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."

 

[Floorist]

Here is an e-mail sent to Clarence Page of the Chicago Tribune after
an article he published concerning a name change for the Washington
Redskins.

Dear Mr. Page: I agree with our Native American population. I am
highly insulted by the racially charged name of the Washington
Redskins. One might argue that to name a professional football team
after Native Americans would exalt them as fine warriors, but nay,
nay. We must be careful not to offend, and in the spirit of political
correctness and courtesy, we must move forward.

Let's ditch the Kansas City Chiefs, the Atlanta Braves and the
Cleveland Indians. If your shorts are in a wad because of the
reference the name Redskins makes to skin color, then we need to get
rid of the Cleveland Browns.

The Carolina Panthers obviously were named to keep the memory of
militant Blacks from the 60's alive. Gone. It's offensive to us
white folk.

The New York Yankees offend the Southern population. Do you see a
team named for the Confederacy? No! There is no room for any
reference to that tragic war that cost this country so many young
men's lives.

I am also offended by the blatant references to the Catholic religion
among our sports team names. Totally inappropriate to have the New
Orleans Saints, the Los Angeles Angels or the San Diego Padres.

Then there are the team names that glorify criminals who raped and
pillaged. We are talking about the horrible Oakland Raiders, the
Minnesota Vikings, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and the Pittsburgh
Pirates!

Now, let us address those teams that clearly send the wrong message to
our children. The San Diego Chargers promote irresponsible fighting
or even spending habits. Wrong message to our children.

The New York Giants and the San Francisco Giants promote obesity, a
growing childhood epidemic. Wrong message to our children.

The Cincinnati Reds promote downers/barbiturates. Wrong message to
our children.

The Milwaukee Brewers. Well that goes without saying. Wrong message
to our children.

So, there you go. We need to support any legislation that comes out
to rectify this travesty, because the government will likely become
involved with this issue, as they should. Just the kind of thing the
do-nothing Congress loves.

As a diehard Oregon State fan, my wife and I, with all of this in
mind, suggest it might also make some sense to change the name of the
Oregon State women's athletic teams to something other than "the
Beavers (especially when they play Southern California. Do we really
want the Trojans sticking it to the Beavers)???

I always love your articles and I generally agree with them. As for
the Redskins name I would suggest they change the name to the
"Foreskins" to better represent their community, paying tribute to the
dick heads in Congress.

 

[Nick]

LOL

 

[Floorist]

 

[Floorist]

While riding my Harley, to avoid hitting a deer, I lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when, a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"

As I looked up, I noticed, she want to help me.. "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage on your head.”

"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"

"Oh, come on, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

Well, she was really pretty and very kind. Being sort of shaken , I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place which was just a few miles away and, after a couple of cold drinks and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, " Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess." MEN WILL BE MEN!!!!!!

 

[Floorist]

Chew toy, keeps people out of my yard

 

[Floorist]

 

[zannej]

I really like that electrical layout. Reminds me I need to call the electrician out...