Jokes
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Nick
In Remembrance
Stocking Stuffers for our friends in Washington..
Top Ten Country and Western Song Titles
10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body - But Mine
9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman - But I Woke Up With A Few
8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improving
6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win
5 I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like You're Still Here
4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend - And I Sure Miss Him
3. She Took My Ring - and Gave Me the Finger
2. She's Looking Better with Every Beer
And the Number One Country & Western song is...
1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night, That Chewed My Butt All Day
10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body - But Mine
9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman - But I Woke Up With A Few
8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improving
6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win
5 I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like You're Still Here
4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend - And I Sure Miss Him
3. She Took My Ring - and Gave Me the Finger
2. She's Looking Better with Every Beer
And the Number One Country & Western song is...
1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night, That Chewed My Butt All Day
Nick
In Remembrance
LOL
It isn't that I don't like cats.....I just can't eat a whole one by myself.
Go with kittens. They are smaller and usually more tender.
There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down he sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
Nick
In Remembrance
Nick
In Remembrance
Final Exam:
An English teacher reminds her students of the written test in her class tomorrow:
"Now, I don't want anyone to miss this important finals exam! I will not tolerate any excuse whatsoever for your absence--unless of course you had to go to the hospital because of a serious injury, or someone died in your immediate family."
Just after she spoke, a wise a** in the back of the class exclaims: "Well, what if I were to tell you that I didn't show up for the test because I experienced complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The students in the class try to suppress their snickers and muffled laughter.
The teacher looks sympathetically towards the young man, smiles slyly and states: "Well, then...you'll have to write with your other hand".
An English teacher reminds her students of the written test in her class tomorrow:
"Now, I don't want anyone to miss this important finals exam! I will not tolerate any excuse whatsoever for your absence--unless of course you had to go to the hospital because of a serious injury, or someone died in your immediate family."
Just after she spoke, a wise a** in the back of the class exclaims: "Well, what if I were to tell you that I didn't show up for the test because I experienced complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The students in the class try to suppress their snickers and muffled laughter.
The teacher looks sympathetically towards the young man, smiles slyly and states: "Well, then...you'll have to write with your other hand".
Nick
In Remembrance
An activist was arrest for feeding illicit drugs to waterfowl down at the shoreline. As he being dragged away he vowed to leave no tern unstoned
Nick
In Remembrance
LOL !
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news.
The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.
How soon can I go home?'
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news.
The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.
How soon can I go home?'
Nick
In Remembrance
lol
DYI
Bulding from scrap lumber.
1. Select a board the right width and thickness.
2. Step over the dog.
3. Measure, mark and saw the board....
4. Step over the dog.
5. Position and attach board with nails or screws.
6. Step over the dog.
Repeat steps 1 through 6 until project is finished.
Bulding from scrap lumber.
1. Select a board the right width and thickness.
2. Step over the dog.
3. Measure, mark and saw the board....
4. Step over the dog.
5. Position and attach board with nails or screws.
6. Step over the dog.
Repeat steps 1 through 6 until project is finished.
I think the expression “It’s a small world” is really a euphemism for
“I keep running into people I can’t stand.”
“I keep running into people I can’t stand.”
Nick
In Remembrance
An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for the little blue "Viagra" pill.
The pharmacist asked, "How many?"
The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one into four pieces.”
The pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through intimacy."
The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm over eighty years old and I don't even think about intimacy much anymore.
I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't piss on my new golf shoes."
The pharmacist asked, "How many?"
The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one into four pieces.”
The pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through intimacy."
The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm over eighty years old and I don't even think about intimacy much anymore.
I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't piss on my new golf shoes."
