Jokes
- Thread starter Floorist
- Start date
Help Support Flooring Forum:
Nick
In Remembrance
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.
The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette,
with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit pissed
off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says,
"Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"
The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette,
with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit pissed
off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says,
"Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"
INSULTS
"You'll never be the man your mother is."
"Mirrors can't talk...and lucky for you they can't laugh, either."
"You love nature? Despite what it did to you?"
"I'd really like to help you out...which way did you come in?"
MILITARY HUMOR [gleaned from all over]
Allegedly found in a pre-civil-war US Army Officer's training manual: "Enlisted men are generally stupid, but are sly and cunning, and will bear considerable watching."
From junior officers' evaluation reports (both US and UK):
-- "He has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig."
-- "Intellectually, he has a full six-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it together."
-- "This young officer has delusions of adequacy."
-- "He has carried out each and every one of his assignments to his entire satisfaction."
-- "I would not breed from this officer."
-- "This young officer is depriving some village of an idiot."
-- [my personal favorite] "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
Instructions regarding weapons:
-- "Use tracer ammo sparingly, if at all -- remember, tracers work both ways."
-- [printed on a bazooka] "POINT THIS END AT ENEMY"
-- [hand-printed in large letters on a Claymore mine (also known as the "red vapor mist machine") with a 60-degree schrapnel arc] "Please, PLEASE point this side toward the enemy."
-- [from US Army's magazine of preventive maintenance] "A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
-- [from a USAF training manual "It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
-- [US Army infantry manual] "Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
-- "Any ship can be a minesweeper...once."
-- "If you see a bomb technician running, follow him immediately".
-- "Five-second fuses only last three seconds."
-- "If the enemy is in range...so are you."
-- "When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."
"You'll never be the man your mother is."
"Mirrors can't talk...and lucky for you they can't laugh, either."
"You love nature? Despite what it did to you?"
"I'd really like to help you out...which way did you come in?"
MILITARY HUMOR [gleaned from all over]
Allegedly found in a pre-civil-war US Army Officer's training manual: "Enlisted men are generally stupid, but are sly and cunning, and will bear considerable watching."
From junior officers' evaluation reports (both US and UK):
-- "He has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig."
-- "Intellectually, he has a full six-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it together."
-- "This young officer has delusions of adequacy."
-- "He has carried out each and every one of his assignments to his entire satisfaction."
-- "I would not breed from this officer."
-- "This young officer is depriving some village of an idiot."
-- [my personal favorite] "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
Instructions regarding weapons:
-- "Use tracer ammo sparingly, if at all -- remember, tracers work both ways."
-- [printed on a bazooka] "POINT THIS END AT ENEMY"
-- [hand-printed in large letters on a Claymore mine (also known as the "red vapor mist machine") with a 60-degree schrapnel arc] "Please, PLEASE point this side toward the enemy."
-- [from US Army's magazine of preventive maintenance] "A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
-- [from a USAF training manual "It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
-- [US Army infantry manual] "Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
-- "Any ship can be a minesweeper...once."
-- "If you see a bomb technician running, follow him immediately".
-- "Five-second fuses only last three seconds."
-- "If the enemy is in range...so are you."
-- "When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."
Nick
In Remembrance
LOL
While riding my Harley, to avoid hitting a deer, I lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when, a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"
As I looked up, I noticed, she want to help me.. "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage on your head.”
"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come on, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very kind. Being sort of shaken , I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just a few miles away and, after a couple of cold drinks and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, " Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess." MEN WILL BE MEN!!!!!!
As I looked up, I noticed, she want to help me.. "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage on your head.”
"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come on, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very kind. Being sort of shaken , I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just a few miles away and, after a couple of cold drinks and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, " Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess." MEN WILL BE MEN!!!!!!
![MORE Luxury Vinyl Floor Cleaner for Vinyl Plank Flooring - Ready to Use, Daily Cleaning Formula for Tile, Vinyl Surfaces [Gallon / 128oz]](https://m.media-amazon.com/images/I/413LZHZiqCL._SL500_.jpg)
Chew toy, keeps people out of my yard
An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, ”Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."
No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again, all was quiet.
Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew.
Her head was bowed, and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.
No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again, all was quiet.
Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew.
Her head was bowed, and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.
Nick
In Remembrance
Greeting Cards: When you care enough to send the very best
but not enough to actually write something.
but not enough to actually write something.
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.
Did I read that sign right?
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.
In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS...
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK, STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.
Outside a second-hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS...
Spotted in a safari park (I sure hope so.):
ELEPHANTS, PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR.
Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS.
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK.)
HEADLINES/STORY TITLES
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife And Daughter
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says (Really? Ya' think?)
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers (Now that's taking things a bit far!)
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over (What a guy!)
Miners Refuse to Work after Death (No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!)
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant (See if that works better than a fair trial!)
War Dims Hope for Peace (I can see where it might have that effect!)
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile (Ya' think?!)
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures (Who would have thought!)
Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide (They may be on to something!)
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges (You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?)
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge (He probably IS the battery charge!)
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group (Weren't they fat enough?!)
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks (Do they taste like chicken?)
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half (Chainsaw Massacre all over again!)
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors (Boy, are they tall!)
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that sign right?
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.
In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS...
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK, STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.
Outside a second-hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS...
Spotted in a safari park (I sure hope so.):
ELEPHANTS, PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR.
Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS.
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK.)
HEADLINES/STORY TITLES
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife And Daughter
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says (Really? Ya' think?)
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers (Now that's taking things a bit far!)
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over (What a guy!)
Miners Refuse to Work after Death (No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!)
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant (See if that works better than a fair trial!)
War Dims Hope for Peace (I can see where it might have that effect!)
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile (Ya' think?!)
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures (Who would have thought!)
Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide (They may be on to something!)
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges (You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?)
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge (He probably IS the battery charge!)
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group (Weren't they fat enough?!)
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks (Do they taste like chicken?)
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half (Chainsaw Massacre all over again!)
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors (Boy, are they tall!)
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
My father was in the store one day & saw a woman who looked familiar. She said "Hi" to him & he wasn't sure who she was. Then she said her name and he remembered & said "Oh! I didn't recognize you with clothes on!" (she was a kid's swimming instructor). The clerk at the checkout choked and the woman blushed.
