Jokes

[Floorist]

Our local school board bought a piece of ground across the street behind the high school several years ago. When they got ready to build on it, the engineer told them that it wasn't structurally sound and could not be used for a building. The ag class now has cattle on it.

 

[Nick]

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[Nick]

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[Nick]

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[Floorist]

A man, his wife and MIL are on vacation in the holy city when his MIL suddenly dies. The local mortician says that it would only cost $150 to bury her there but $10,000 to send her back. The man says, send her back. The mortician says, you must have been very fond of her. The man says, no, there was a man buried here who came back to life on the 4th day.

 

[Floorist]

An old snake goes to see his doctor.

He says, “Doctor, I need something for my eyes. I can’t see well these days”. The doctor fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.

The snake comes back in 2 weeks, and tells the doctor he’s very depressed.

The doctor says, “What’s the problem? Didn’t the glasses help you?”

“The glasses are fine doc. I just discovered I’ve been living with a water hose the past 2 years!”

 

[Floorist]

Roman’s garage burned down and his wife, Tessa, called the insurance company.

Susan spoke to the insurance officer and said, “We had that garage insured for sixty thousand, and I want my money.”

The officer answered, “Hold on there, just a minute. Insurance doesn’t work quite like that. An independent adjuster will assess the value of what was insured, and then we’ll provide you with a new garage of similar worth.”

There was a long quiet pause, and then Tessa answered, “If that’s how it works, then I want to cancel the life insurance certificate on my husband.”

 

[Floorist]

Secret Cat Diary
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from shredding the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant and cough it up on the carpeting.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed (again).

DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan...

DAY 768- I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo". What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth and the tiny bit of flesh under my claws.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies". Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.

 

[DarisMulkin]

This guy goes to the same cafe everyday. H e always orders the same thing, a ham and chesse sandwich. The waitress is so tired of ham and cheese sandwiches she could scream. One day she sees the guy crossing the street and hollers at the cook to see if she could take it off the menu. He said yes. So the guy comes thru the door and she says to him "I just scratched what you want." He says "fine wash your hands and give me a ham and cheese sandwich."

:camping:

Daris

 

[zannej]

My maternal grandfather's favorite Far Side clip

 

[Floorist]

Bill Clinton, Dan Quayle and Newt Gingrich are out in the Rose Garden discussing policy when all of a sudden a gigantic tornado comes and sweeps them up into the air, only to bring them crashing down a little while later.

They get up, dust themselves off, and look out in the distance, where they see the Emerald City. They suddenly realize theyre in the land of Oz.

Oh, boy! says Qualye. Im going to go see the Wizard and ask him for a brain!

Yeah! says Gingrich. And Im going to ask him for a heart!”

Hey says Clinton, looking around. Where's Dorothy?

 

[Floorist]

The Discovery of a New Element

Scientists at CERN in Geneva have announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element Governmentium (Gv). It has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons which are surrounded by vast quantities of right-on-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons or protons, it is inert. However, it can be detected because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. Even a tiny amount of Governmentium causes a reaction which normally takes only a few days to complete to four years or more to finish or resolve.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years. It does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientist to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical point of concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons. Vast sums of money are consumed in the exchange yet no other by-products are produced.

 

[zannej]

The Discovery of a New Element

Scientists at CERN in Geneva have announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element Governmentium (Gv). It has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons which are surrounded by vast quantities of right-on-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons or protons, it is inert. However, it can be detected because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. Even a tiny amount of Governmentium causes a reaction which normally takes only a few days to complete to four years or more to finish or resolve.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years. It does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientist to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical point of concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons. Vast sums of money are consumed in the exchange yet no other by-products are produced.

ROTFL! I love it!

 

[Floorist]

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.
"An ambulance just drove by!"
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike!"
"Looks like the Sanders are moving!
"Jason is on his skate board!"
After a few moments he announced, "The Coopers are doing it!!"

Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know that?"

"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."

 

[Nick]

LOL

 

[zannej]

A friend of mine used to work in "asset protection" in Walmart and one day as he was patrolling the aisles he saw a kid standing around watching people nervously. He tried to be casual as he walked by and discovered the kid was the lookout as his parents were having sex down one of the aisles. My friend informed the head of security and they were told to leave. A few minutes later they got busted having sex in the parking lot while their kid stood with his back turned.

 

[Nick]

 

[zannej]

Something else that just popped in to my head-- related to balconies. When we first moved to Guam, the government took their sweet time assigning us some housing so we had to stay in a hotel for several months. We were up on a higher floor and my father noticed that my brother was going out on the balcony every morning. My brother wasn't usually an early riser. Then he found out that the reason was there was a Japanese girl on one of the lower balconies who would go out on her balcony and sunbathe topless.

 

[Floorist]

My oldest brother lives in Columbus, Ohio. Back in the late 70s he drove me past Ohio State. The girls would sunbathe nude In full view from the interstate.

 

[DarisMulkin]

When stationed in Tennesee our baracks were next door to the wave barracks. Well from the second floor you could look down into the showers. Or rooms for that matter. There was always someone at the window especially after midnight on Friday night payday. Gals would come home drunked up in a not give a srap attitude and put on the show. Miss those days of old.


daris