Jokes

[Floorist]

Bill Clinton, Dan Quayle and Newt Gingrich are out in the Rose Garden discussing policy when all of a sudden a gigantic tornado comes and sweeps them up into the air, only to bring them crashing down a little while later.

They get up, dust themselves off, and look out in the distance, where they see the Emerald City. They suddenly realize theyre in the land of Oz.

Oh, boy! says Qualye. Im going to go see the Wizard and ask him for a brain!

Yeah! says Gingrich. And Im going to ask him for a heart!”

Hey says Clinton, looking around. Where's Dorothy?

 

[Floorist]

The Discovery of a New Element

Scientists at CERN in Geneva have announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element Governmentium (Gv). It has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons which are surrounded by vast quantities of right-on-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons or protons, it is inert. However, it can be detected because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. Even a tiny amount of Governmentium causes a reaction which normally takes only a few days to complete to four years or more to finish or resolve.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years. It does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientist to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical point of concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons. Vast sums of money are consumed in the exchange yet no other by-products are produced.

 

[zannej]

The Discovery of a New Element

Scientists at CERN in Geneva have announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element Governmentium (Gv). It has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons which are surrounded by vast quantities of right-on-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons or protons, it is inert. However, it can be detected because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. Even a tiny amount of Governmentium causes a reaction which normally takes only a few days to complete to four years or more to finish or resolve.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years. It does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientist to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical point of concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons. Vast sums of money are consumed in the exchange yet no other by-products are produced.

ROTFL! I love it!

 

[Floorist]

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.
"An ambulance just drove by!"
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike!"
"Looks like the Sanders are moving!
"Jason is on his skate board!"
After a few moments he announced, "The Coopers are doing it!!"

Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know that?"

"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."

 

[Nick]

LOL

 

[zannej]

A friend of mine used to work in "asset protection" in Walmart and one day as he was patrolling the aisles he saw a kid standing around watching people nervously. He tried to be casual as he walked by and discovered the kid was the lookout as his parents were having sex down one of the aisles. My friend informed the head of security and they were told to leave. A few minutes later they got busted having sex in the parking lot while their kid stood with his back turned.

 

[Nick]

 

[zannej]

Something else that just popped in to my head-- related to balconies. When we first moved to Guam, the government took their sweet time assigning us some housing so we had to stay in a hotel for several months. We were up on a higher floor and my father noticed that my brother was going out on the balcony every morning. My brother wasn't usually an early riser. Then he found out that the reason was there was a Japanese girl on one of the lower balconies who would go out on her balcony and sunbathe topless.

 

[Floorist]

My oldest brother lives in Columbus, Ohio. Back in the late 70s he drove me past Ohio State. The girls would sunbathe nude In full view from the interstate.

 

[DarisMulkin]

When stationed in Tennesee our baracks were next door to the wave barracks. Well from the second floor you could look down into the showers. Or rooms for that matter. There was always someone at the window especially after midnight on Friday night payday. Gals would come home drunked up in a not give a srap attitude and put on the show. Miss those days of old.


daris

 

[Nick]

 

[Floorist]

A child asked his father, How were people born?
So his father said, Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.
The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.
The child ran back to his father and said, You lied to me!
His father replied, No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.

 

[DarisMulkin]

Payback

Driving home late one night, a man spotted a car on fire. He rushed over to help and saw that a beautiful woman was trapped inside, bleeding to death. He dragged her to safety from the flames, wrapped her in a blanket and drove her to the nearest hospital.


Over the next six months, he regularly donated blood to keep her alive. It was touch and go whether she pulled through, but eventually she did recover and later that year they got married.


For two years they lived happily together, but then she grew restless and decided to leave him.


As she came down the stairs one morning, carrying two large suitcases and a set of car keys, he challenged her: “Where are you going?”


“I’m leaving you,” she said coldly.


“What are you doing with the car keys?”


“I’m leaving in the Mercedes.”


“No, you’re not. It’s my car. I paid for that. You’re not having it.”


“Fine,” she said, and threw the keys at him.


“And what’s in those bulging suitcases?” he demanded.


“My clothes,” she said.


“You mean the clothes I’ve paid for? They’re not going anywhere!”


“Fine,” she said, tipping out the cases before stripping off completely and hurling her clothes at him.


“And,” he continued, warming to the theme, “what about the blood in your body? I sat with you for six months in the hospital. You know half of the blood is mine. You’re not going anywhere.”


With that, she whipped out her tampon and said: “I’ll pay you back in monthly instalments!”

 

[Nick]

 

[DarisMulkin]

Two brothers enlisting in the Army were undergoing their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to see that both of the men possessed extraordinarily long penises.


“How do you account for this?” he asked the brothers.


“It’s hereditary, sir,” replied the older brother.


“I see,” said the doctor, writing in his file. “Your father’s the reason for your elongated penises?”


“No, sir, our mother.”


“Your mother?” said the doctor. “Don’t be so ridiculous! Women don’t have penises!”


“I know, sir,” replied the recruit, “but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could.”

 

[Nick]

Ouch !

 

[zannej]

For some reason that last one reminded me of how my parents used to make all 3 of us take a bath at the same time. My brother was standing up in the tub and my mother told her to make him sit down. She just reached up and grabbed the nearest appendage available and yanked. He sat down very quickly.

 

[Floorist]

gun.

 

[Nick]

 

[Nick]