Jokes

[Floorist]

A husband and wife went in for counseling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied,.. "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

 

[Floorist]

A young man was smitten with a young woman and was about to ask her to marry him, but he had not introduced her to his hypercritical mother yet, so he decided to invite her and 4 other friends to a dinner with his mother.

After dinner and all the friends were gone, he asked his mother to guess which one he wanted to marry.

She answered " The one with the short hair."

He said " How did you know that?"

Mother says, " She's the only one that I didn't like."

 

[Nick]

Last Friday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a prostate exam. Of course, I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.

The waiting room was filled with patients.

As I approached the receptionist's desk, I noticed that she was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.

I gave her my name, and in a very loud voice, she said,

YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE. YOU WANT TO SEE THE

DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, a now very embarrassed man. But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,

NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE

OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR

THAT DID YOURS.

The room erupted in applause.

DON'T MESS WITH OLD RETIRED GUYS. WE WIN EVERY TIME.

 

[Floorist]

A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his former accountant.

The Godfather asks the accountant, “Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?” The accountant does not answer.

The Godfather asks again, “Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?”

The attorney interrupts, “Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you.”

The Godfather says, “Well ask him where my damn money is!” The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars is.

The accountant signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking about.”

The attorney interprets to the Godfather, “He doesn’t know what you are talking about.”

The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, “Ask him again where my damn money is!”

The attorney signs to the accountant, “He wants to know where it is!”

The accountant signs back, “OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!”

The Godfather says, “Well….what did he say?”

The attorney interprets to the Godfather, “He says…go to hell… ..that you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger.”

 

[Floorist]

Joe and Jane have been married for 60+ years.

They have shared everything except for a small box in the closet that Joe was to never open.

Suddenly Jane falls ill and is near death. And gives Joe permission to open the box, inside is $125,000, and a small crocheted doll.

Joe asks Jane What is this.

Jane says " as a new bride my Mother said that every time that I got angry with you to keep calm and crochet a doll.

Joe is proud that she was only angry once in all these years.

Asks " but what about all this money?"

Jane says " oh that is from selling the dolls."

 

[Floorist]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

We must stay alert for these indicators:

This is what all of us 70+ year-olds have to look forward to! This is something that happened at an assisted living center.

The people who lived there have small apartments but they all eat in a central dining room. One morning, one of the residents didn't show up for breakfast so my wife went upstairs and knocked on his door to see if everything was OK. She could hear him through the door and he said that he was running late and would be down shortly so she went back to the dining area.
An hour later he still hadn't arrived so she went back up towards his room and she found him on the stairs. He was coming down the stairs but was having a hell of time. He had a death grip on the hand rail and seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right. She told him she was going to call an ambulance but he told her no, he wasn't in any pain and he just wanted to have his breakfast. So she helped him the rest of the way down the stairs and he had his breakfast.

When he tried to return to his room, he was completely unable to get up even the first step so they called an ambulance for him. A couple hours later she called the hospital to see how he was doing. The receptionist there said he was fine and that he just had both of his legs in one leg of his boxer shorts.

I am sending this to my children so that they don't sell the house before they know the facts.

 

[Floorist]

A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting drunk. A man came in and asked the farmer,

“Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?”

The farmer shook his head and replied,

“Some things you just can’t explain.”

“So what happened that’s so horrible?” the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.

“Well,” the farmer said, “today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket.”

“Okay,” said the man, “but that’s not so bad.” “Some things you just can’t explain,” the farmer replied. “So what happened then?” the man asked. The farmer said, “I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.”

“And then?”

“Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.”

The man laughed and said, “Again?” The farmer replied, “Some things you just can’t explain.” “So, what did you do then?” the man asked.

“I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.”

“And then?”

“Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.”

“Hmmm,” the man said and nodded his head. “Some things you just can’t explain,” the farmer said.

“So, what did you do?” the man asked.

“Well,” the farmer said, “I didn’t have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in… Some things you just can’t explain.”

 

[zannej]

LOL!
I remember an old silent film called The Red Mill. The main character was trying to milk a cow and the cow kept swinging her tail and hitting the woman. So the woman tied a brick to the cow's tail to try to stop her from being able to swing it. So next thing you know she's getting hit with the brick attached to the tail. The sequence where she was trying to set up the ironing board was hilarious as well. I highly recommend watching that film.

 

[Nick]

Sounds like a old 3 Stooges movie ..

 

[Floorist]

One day a blonde came home from school and came to her mother and said, “Hey, Mommy! Mommy! Today in school we learned to count. The other kids could only count to three but I can count to ten….. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!”

The mother responds, “Very good honey.” The blonde asks, “Is that because I’m a blonde mommy?” And the mother responds, “Yes dear.”

Next day the blonde came home and went to her mother and said, “Today in school we learned our ABCs! The other kids could only get to D but I can get to K! …. A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K!”

The mother says, “Very good honey.” The blonde then asked. “Is that because I’m a blonde, Mommy?” The mother responds, “Yes dear.”

The third day the blonde come home from school and said to her mother, “Mommy today in school we went swimming! But I was the only one who had breasts. Is that because I’m a blonde, Mommy?”
 And the mother responds, “No Honey, it’s because you’re twenty five.”

 

[Nick]

....

 

[Nick]

....

 

[Floorist]

This Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face. “Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?” She told him, “because he was conceived during a mighty storm.”

Then he asked, “Why is my sister named Cornflower?” She replied, “Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her.”

“And why is my other sister called Moonchild?” The mother said, “We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived.”

Mother Indian paused and asked her son, “Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?”

 

[Nick]

....

 

[Floorist]

BEAUTY PARLOR
A place where women curl up and dye.

CHICKENS
The only animal you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF
Cold Storage.

INFLATION
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO
An insect that makes you like flies better.

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS
A doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical minority.

SECRET
A story you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN
An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES
Something other people have....similar to my character lines.

OLD
I very quietly confided to my friend that I was having an Affair.
She turned to me and asked, "Are you having it catered?"
. . . And that, my friend, is the definition of 'OLD'!!!

 

[Floorist]

Creative tax preparation


A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, "before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."
"He gets her name, address, Social security number, etc. and then asks, "what's your occupation?"
"I'm a Lady of the night," she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "let's try to rephrase that."
"The woman says, "ok, I'm a high-end call girl."
"No, that still won't work. Try again."
"They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "what does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."
The accountant says, "Chicken Farmer it is."

 

[Floorist]

At the job interview, the blond was asked

" How important punctuality was."

Her answer was " Very, I use commas and periods a lot."

 

[Nick]

....

 

[Floorist]

Remarrying your ex is like having a garage sale and buying your own stuff.

 

[DarisMulkin]

Remarrying your ex is like having a garage sale and buying your own stuff.

Besides who wants old used toys.

:camping:

Daris