Jokes

[Floorist]

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.

They both met with an angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven

The angel said: "Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted."

The angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly took off her top and said: "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."

The angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.

The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushed it without saying a word.

The Angel immediately said: "OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven."

Dolly was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?

"Sorry, Dolly," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair"

 

[zannej]

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.

They both met with an angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven

The angel said: "Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted."

The angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly took off her top and said: "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."

The angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.

The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushed it without saying a word.

The Angel immediately said: "OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven."

Dolly was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?

"Sorry, Dolly," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair"

ROTFLMAO!!! I love that one!

 

[Nick]

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[Nick]

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[DarisMulkin]

Nick hang unto your ass. It is snowing here, got at least 6" and can hardly see across the street. It is light and fluffy though. We were only supposed to get 1-4.

:camping:

Daris

 

[Floorist]

A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very ornery, and difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of that species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators were told about Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals’ cages. Now Mike, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, but he wasn’t very bright.

So, the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Mike was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to screw the gorilla for five hundred dollars? Mike showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer,but only under three conditions.

“First,” he said, “I don’t want to have to kiss her. Secondly, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union.”

The zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.

“Well,” said Mike, “you’ve gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks.”

 

[Floorist]

At a funeral for a notoriously cantankerous woman , the minister expounded on her virtues and as he was finishing up, a bolt of lightening and thunder struck outside the church.

Her husband stood and announced " Well She's There."

 

[Nick]

Nick hang unto your ass. It is snowing here, got at least 6" and can hardly see across the street. It is light and fluffy though. We were only supposed to get 1-4.

:camping:

Daris

It is going to be heavy rain when it gets here .. going up to 40 for a day ..

 

[Floorist]

we had heavy snow and 36 mph winds

 

[Nick]

I bought that new snow Blower so we wouldn't get any ..
So far it is working , except for one 8" fall last month ..

I bought a windshield cover for the van last year.. What a life savor ..

No trying to scrape ice off in the morning ..

 

[Dan]

we had heavy snow and 36 mph winds

I did an inspection in Tulsa Saturday. Long drive, so I spent the night. Started seeing flurries in Springfield on the way home, but once I turned south the flurries eventually disappeared. Ended up with teh ground covered. It's gone now.

 

[Floorist]

I did an inspection in Tulsa Saturday. Long drive, so I spent the night. Started seeing flurries in Springfield on the way home, but once I turned south the flurries eventually disappeared. Ended up with teh ground covered. It's gone now.

I-44 around Miami OK. was closed last night be cause of wrecks. You got out just in time.

 

[Nick]

....

 

[Don Monfils]

We had a little snow yesterday View attachment ImageUploadedByFlooring Forum1517886506.171039.jpg
I left my trailer at the job Saturday

Light fluffy stuff.
The snow cleared off the roof nice at 75 mph. On the way home.

 

[Nick]

I use a soft hair push broom to pull the snow off the top & sides of my Van .. Fast . A good Leaf blower works great on that light fluffy stuff..

 

[Don Monfils]

I normally clean the roof off at home.
I had no ladder at the job site. The trailer is 9’ tall. I use to use a extendable roof rake but it was burned up in the garage fire.

Not much traffic up where I was working. I wouldn’t do that in heavy traffic.
So sick of winter, we’re supposed to get another foot tomorrow 😳

 

[Nick]

Saw it on the news .. Giving that new snow blower a work out ..

 

[Floorist]

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.

The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn’t serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black. The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn’t serve blondes.

Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red. Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time. To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn’t serve blondes.

The blonde asks the clerk, “How in the world do you know I am a blonde?” The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says, “That’s not a TV – it’s a microwave.

 

[Floorist]

A brunette goes into the doctor’s office and tells him that everywhere she touches, it hurts.

“Impossible,” the doctor says. “Show me.”

So the brunette touches her elbow and screams. Then she touches her knee and screams. Then she touches her ankle and screams. And this goes on until the doctor finally says, “You’re not really brunette, are you?”

“No,” she says. “I’m naturally blonde.”

“I thought so,” says the doctor. “Your finger is broken.”

 

[Floorist]

A family was visiting an Indian reservation when they happen upon an old tribesman laying face down in the middle of the road with his ear pressed firmly against the blacktop. The father of the family asked the old tribesman what he was doing.
The tribesman began to speak, woman, late thirties, three kids, one barking dog in late model, Four door station wagon, traveling at 65 mph Thats amazing exclaimed the father.You can tell all of that by just listening to the ground
No, said the old tribesman.They just ran over me five minutes ago!