Jokes

[Floorist]

A mama mole, a papa mole and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole.

One day, the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says, "Yum! I smell maple syrup!"

The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says, "Yum! I smell honey!"

The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the 2 bigger moles are in the way. So he says, "Jeez, all I can smell is.....
..... molasses!"

 

[Floorist]

A circus owner runs an ad for a "lion tamer wanted" and two people show up.

One is a retired golfer in his seventies, the other a drop-dead gorgeous brunette with a great body in her twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history.

"Here's your equipment -- a chair, a whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The gorgeous brunette says, "I'll go first."

She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage.

The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her.

As he gets close, the gorgeous brunette throws open her coat, revealing her beautiful, perfect naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss every inch of her body for several minutes, then lays down and rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor!! He says, "That's amazing! I've never seen anything like that in my life!"

He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"

The tough old golfer replies, "Possibly... but you've got to get that lion out of there first."

 

[Floorist]

A professor at the Auburn University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'

About 90 students raise their hands.

Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'

About 40 students raise their hands.

That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'

About 15 students raise their hand.

Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'

Three students raise their hands.

That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'

Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'

The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'

Ahmed replied, "Shucks, from way back there I thought you said Goats."

 

[Floorist]

management

 

[Floorist]

My grandfather is from Minnesota. He said one day, he woke up, got out of bed, stuck a snow shovel under his arm and walked straight south until someone asked him what it was. That's his story of moving to Oklahoma

 

[Nick]

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[Nick]

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[Floorist]

Q: Who invented Copper wire?

A: Two attorneys , fighting over the last penny.

 

[Floorist]

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??????????????

 

[Nick]

Been having trouble spinning in the sand waiting for it to post..

Some days, No Problem ..

 

[Floorist]

Been having trouble spinning in the sand waiting for it to post..

Some days, No Problem ..

I know. Some days it takes forever.

 

[Floorist]

At a wedding reception for a young couple, the Emcee polled the gathering for the couple that had been married the longest.

Turned out the grooms great grandparents had been married for 60 years, so they were asked for a few words on how to get along so long.

Great grandma said " the three most important words to remember is " You're probably right".

Great Grandpa a wise old man indeed said

" She's probably right".

 

[Floorist]

A little old lady calls the doctors office to ask a question about her new medication.

Lady: You said that I needed to take these for the rest of my life.

Doctor : That's true.

Lady: So how serious is my condition, this prescription is marked,

NO REFILLS?

 

[Floorist]

A farmer goes to a livestock dealer and buys an anvil, a bucket, two chickens, and a goose. The farmer looks at his purchases and says, “Damn, I WALKED here. How am I gonna carry all this home?
The livestock dealer said, “Why don’t you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?” “Hey, thanks!” the farmer said, and off he went.
While walking home he met a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, “Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?”
The farmer said, “Well, as a matter of fact, I live just down the road from there. Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time.”
The little old lady said, “I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?”
The farmer said, “Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?”
She replied, “Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket … and I’ll hold the chickens.”

 

[Nick]

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[Floorist]

The person that created Auto-correct passed away yesterday.

May they Restaurant in peace.

 

[Nick]

....
The President

President Trump is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo,
when a assassin steps forward and aims a gun.

A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!”

This startles the would be assassin and he is captured.

Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks,

“What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?”

Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout,. “Donald duck!”

 

[zannej]

I don't know why, but I still remember some news footage of an angry man throwing his shoe at Bush Jr. He had surprisingly fast reflexes as he ducked, and I still remember the smile and little chuckle afterward. LOL.

I have a friend who's cousin is actually named Donald Duck. He joined the navy and they mocked the hell out of him. His uncle is named Johnny Duck. Apparently once when Johnny was a kid he was out playing baseball and someone yelled "Jonny, duck!" and he turned and said "What?" and the ball hit him in the head. LOL.

 

[Nick]

.... Good One Z ..

 

[Nick]

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