Jokes

[Floorist]

BEAUTY PARLOR
A place where women curl up and dye.

CHICKENS
The only animal you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF
Cold Storage.

INFLATION
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO
An insect that makes you like flies better.

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS
A doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical minority.

SECRET
A story you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN
An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES
Something other people have....similar to my character lines.

OLD
I very quietly confided to my friend that I was having an Affair.
She turned to me and asked, "Are you having it catered?"
. . . And that, my friend, is the definition of 'OLD'!!!

 

[Floorist]

Creative tax preparation


A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, "before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."
"He gets her name, address, Social security number, etc. and then asks, "what's your occupation?"
"I'm a Lady of the night," she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "let's try to rephrase that."
"The woman says, "ok, I'm a high-end call girl."
"No, that still won't work. Try again."
"They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "what does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."
The accountant says, "Chicken Farmer it is."

 

[Floorist]

At the job interview, the blond was asked

" How important punctuality was."

Her answer was " Very, I use commas and periods a lot."

 

[Nick]

....

 

[Floorist]

Remarrying your ex is like having a garage sale and buying your own stuff.

 

[DarisMulkin]

Remarrying your ex is like having a garage sale and buying your own stuff.

Besides who wants old used toys.

:camping:

Daris

 

[Nick]

Besides who wants old used toys.

:camping:

Daris

Depends on how much fun you had with them ..

 

[DarisMulkin]

Lets just say it was fun while it lasted and then some. :army:

:camping:

Daris

 

[Nick]

....

 

[Floorist]

A woman got on a bus, holding a baby.

The bus driver said, “That’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.”

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

“The bus driver insulted me,” she fumed.

The man sympathized and said, “Why, he’s a public servant and shouldn’t say things to insult passengers.”

“You’re right,” she said. “I think I’ll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind.”

“That’s a good idea,” the man said. “Here, let me hold your monkey.”

 

[Nick]

....

 

[zannej]

I think Flip Wilson told a version of that monkey-baby story. Although I think it was on a train, but I could be wrong. Man, that guy was funny.

 

[Nick]

He Did .. Use to watch him when i was in port and able to get home ..

Never saw him after the show .. Wonder what happened to him?

 

[Floorist]

There was this guy who just got a new job as a school bus driver for elementary school children. He thought it would be nice to paint the school bus with characters from Sesame Street. So he painted Bert and Ernie, Big Bird, The Cookie Monster and the rest on the bus.

At his first stop, there was this very overweight little girl. He opened the door and said, “Hi, I’m the new bus driver. What is your name?” The girl said that her name was Pattie.

Waiting at the next stop was another overweight little girl. He said, “Hi, I’m the new bus driver. What is your name?” She said that her name was Pattie also.

At the next stop, there was a grown woman and a little boy. The bus driver said,

“Hi, I’m the new bus driver. What is your name?”

The woman piped up and said, “His name is Ross and he is my son.” She continued,

“He is very, very special, so I want you to take extra good care of him.”

The bus driver replied, “No problem. He can have this seat right behind me and I can watch him carefully in the mirror.”

At the next stop, there was this little country boy standing there. The little boy was wearing tattered overalls and had no shoes or socks on his feet. The poor little boy had problems walking because of bunions all over his feet. The bus driver said, “Hi, I’m the new bus driver. What is your name?”

The little boy replied, “My name is Lester Cleese.” Well, little Lester picked at his bunions all the way to the school house, nearly driving the driver crazy.

Later that night, at home, his wife asked him how his first day on the new job was.

The man replied:

“Well, I had Two Obese Patties, Special Ross, Lester Cleese Picking Bunions On A Sesame Street Bus.”

 

[Floorist]

He Did .. Use to watch him when i was in port and able to get home ..

Never saw him after the show .. Wonder what happened to him?

Maybe the devil got him.

 

[DarisMulkin]

He Did .. Use to watch him when i was in port and able to get home ..

Never saw him after the show .. Wonder what happened to him?

http://www.nytimes.com/1998/11/27/arts/flip-wilson-outrageous-comic-and-tv-host-dies-at-64.html

:camping:

Daris

 

[Nick]

http://www.nytimes.com/1998/11/27/arts/flip-wilson-outrageous-comic-and-tv-host-dies-at-64.html

:camping:

Daris

Thanks

 

[zannej]

http://www.nytimes.com/1998/11/27/arts/flip-wilson-outrageous-comic-and-tv-host-dies-at-64.html

:camping:

Daris

Thanks for the link! It was a very interesting article. One of 18 children... wow. But cancer... I hate cancer!

 

[Nick]

....

 

[Floorist]

Married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, “Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde.

Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things.”

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed.