Jokes

[Floorist]

Wife came home the other day telling me something is wrong with the car. I asked if she knew what the problem was. she replied "there's water in the carburetor." I was shocked she would even know this. so I asked again, and she was dead serious saying "Im telling you, I know there is water in the carburetor!!" So now i needed to know more, so I asked her where the car was. to which she replied "down the street in the lake."

 

[Nick]

....

 

[Nick]

Louisiana farmer Highway Department employees stopped at a farm and talked
with an old farmer. The man in charge told the farmer, 'We need to inspect
your farm for a possible new road.'

The old r said, 'OK, but don't get out in that pasture over there.'

The Highway Dept. employee flashed out his identification card and
said, 'I have the authority of the State of Louisiana to go anywhere I want.
See this card? I will go wherever I wish.'

So the old farmer went about his chores.
It wasn't too much later when the farmer heard loud screams and yelling.

He looked over and saw several Highway Department employees running for
their lives and right behind was the farmer's huge prize bull. The bull was madder than a hornet's nest and was gaining on the Highway employees at every step.

The old farmer yelled out, 'Show him your card, Smart a**.... Show him
your card!!

 

[Floorist]

Guy talking about his mother-in-law. "she has never been the same since the house fell on her sister".

 

[Nick]

A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."

He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

 

[Floorist]

A nice little old grandma was shopping in a toy store.

Searching for the right gift for a 6 year old grandson.

The clerk suggested an educational toy, or an entertaining video.

The lady was hesitant until she spied a laser gun with bright lights and fifteen different shrill sounds.

Saying Perfect, My daughter-in-law will hate it.

 

[Floorist]

My friend's wife always wanted to learn to play piano.

So last year he bought her one for Christmas.

In February, I was asking him about her progress, and he said I convinced her to trade it in on a Clarinet.

I asked " Why?"

He said " Because that way she can't sing along"

 

[Nick]

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them.

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.

Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.

Good: Your son's finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.

Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.

Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.

Good: The postman's early.
Bad: He's wearing fatigues
and carrying an AK47.
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.

Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients.
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do.

Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It's another man.
Ugly: He's you're best friend.

Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

 

[Nick]

....

 

[zannej]

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them.

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.

Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.

Good: Your son's finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.

Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.

Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.

Good: The postman's early.
Bad: He's wearing fatigues
and carrying an AK47.
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.

Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients.
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do.

Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It's another man.
Ugly: He's you're best friend.

Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

This reminded me-- no joke: My grandfather had a vasectomy a few years before my father was born. Although he went back to the doctor and had some tests done and it turns out it the tube healed & he was still fertile.

 

[Floorist]

This reminded me-- no joke: My grandfather had a vasectomy a few years before my father was born. Although he went back to the doctor and had some tests done and it turns out it the tube healed & he was still fertile.

My wife had a tubal 8 years before we had our youngest.

 

[DarisMulkin]

I had a friend who had a vasectomy 3 times. Last time they removed a big section of tubing. His wife was fertile Myrtle and he wouldn't have believe she wasn't playing around on him in a million years. :army:

:camping:

Daris

 

[Floorist]

A high school assignment was to ask a veteran about their WWII experience.

A student's grandfather happened to be a vet that served in the South Pacific.

While interviewing grandpa, the student asked " did you ever kill anyone?"

The vet got very quiet for a few minutes, then said

"probably, I was the cook."

 

[zannej]

My paternal grandfather was in the merchant marines for awhile and he told my father & his siblings about the cook on the ship he went out on. The meatballs were always salty & the crew liked them until one day they walked in and saw the big sweaty cook rolling the meatballs all over his sweaty arms and chest.

 

[Floorist]

In the Army, I worked supply for the MPs for a while. We ate with them. They got much better food than the rest of the GIs.

 

[Nick]

I was stationed with the UDT team Underwater demolition team till my ship came in ..

Steak and eggs for breakfast . anything you wanted ,they maid .

Then i got on the ship and was eating WW2 K rations 6 months strate playing war games ..

 

[Floorist]

I was stationed with the UDT team Underwater demolition team till my ship came in ..

Steak and eggs for breakfast . anything you wanted ,they maid .

Then i got on the ship and was eating WW2 K rations 6 months strate playing war games ..

We had steak and eggs for breakfast, cooked to order. Chinese food at least once a week. Steak available almost every night too.

 

[zannej]

Just remembered my elderly friend telling me how he was stationed in China (was also stationed in India) and when he first got there, he went in to a local restaurant and asked for eggs-- but the locals didn't know how to make eggs the way the Americans liked them. They were bringing stuff like 100-year-old egg and such. So my friend tried to explain to them how to do it and was asked to show them in the kitchen. So he got them to provide the fixings for it and he made the eggs while the cook watched him very carefully. It really made the place boom when more Americans came in because it was the only one that knew how to make the eggs the way they liked.

Dad told me that when he was in the Army they would get liver and other stuff that most of the GIs wouldn't eat, so he would eat leftovers they rejected because he wasn't picky. He was malnourished before he joined the Army because his family was poor and his mother only knew how to boil the hell out of stuff-- no other cooking techniques & didn't know how to use seasoning. LOL. He did reject the jello though. Apparently all of the leftovers (onions, peas, etc) got put in the jello.

And now I'm thinking of the song "The Navy gets the gravy but the Army gets the beans". LOL.

 

[DarisMulkin]

In the Navy we ate good. At least where I was at in Pensacola. The Navy gets a higher food allowance than the rest of the services, so they said. Being from the north I thought grits was Cream of Wheat so I ate them with milk and sugar. One of the most disgusting foods we had was Welch Rabbit. Looked the color of baby crap and tasted like it too!. :army: There was no rabbit in it which I liked.

:camping:

Daris

 

[Nick]

Coast Guard had the food .. The shopped at the Grocery store in town ..

All top quality stuff ..