Jokes

[Floorist]

A little old lady calls the doctors office to ask a question about her new medication.

Lady: You said that I needed to take these for the rest of my life.

Doctor : That's true.

Lady: So how serious is my condition, this prescription is marked,

NO REFILLS?

 

[Floorist]

A farmer goes to a livestock dealer and buys an anvil, a bucket, two chickens, and a goose. The farmer looks at his purchases and says, “Damn, I WALKED here. How am I gonna carry all this home?
The livestock dealer said, “Why don’t you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?” “Hey, thanks!” the farmer said, and off he went.
While walking home he met a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, “Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?”
The farmer said, “Well, as a matter of fact, I live just down the road from there. Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time.”
The little old lady said, “I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?”
The farmer said, “Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?”
She replied, “Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket … and I’ll hold the chickens.”

 

[Nick]

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[Floorist]

The person that created Auto-correct passed away yesterday.

May they Restaurant in peace.

 

[Nick]

....
The President

President Trump is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo,
when a assassin steps forward and aims a gun.

A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!”

This startles the would be assassin and he is captured.

Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks,

“What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?”

Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout,. “Donald duck!”

 

[zannej]

I don't know why, but I still remember some news footage of an angry man throwing his shoe at Bush Jr. He had surprisingly fast reflexes as he ducked, and I still remember the smile and little chuckle afterward. LOL.

I have a friend who's cousin is actually named Donald Duck. He joined the navy and they mocked the hell out of him. His uncle is named Johnny Duck. Apparently once when Johnny was a kid he was out playing baseball and someone yelled "Jonny, duck!" and he turned and said "What?" and the ball hit him in the head. LOL.

 

[Nick]

.... Good One Z ..

 

[Nick]

....

 

[Floorist]

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.

They both met with an angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven

The angel said: "Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted."

The angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly took off her top and said: "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."

The angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.

The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushed it without saying a word.

The Angel immediately said: "OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven."

Dolly was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?

"Sorry, Dolly," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair"

 

[zannej]

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.

They both met with an angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven

The angel said: "Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted."

The angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly took off her top and said: "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."

The angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.

The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushed it without saying a word.

The Angel immediately said: "OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven."

Dolly was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?

"Sorry, Dolly," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair"

ROTFLMAO!!! I love that one!

 

[Nick]

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[Nick]

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[DarisMulkin]

Nick hang unto your ass. It is snowing here, got at least 6" and can hardly see across the street. It is light and fluffy though. We were only supposed to get 1-4.

:camping:

Daris

 

[Floorist]

At a funeral for a notoriously cantankerous woman , the minister expounded on her virtues and as he was finishing up, a bolt of lightening and thunder struck outside the church.

Her husband stood and announced " Well She's There."

 

[Nick]

Nick hang unto your ass. It is snowing here, got at least 6" and can hardly see across the street. It is light and fluffy though. We were only supposed to get 1-4.

:camping:

Daris

It is going to be heavy rain when it gets here .. going up to 40 for a day ..

 

[Floorist]

we had heavy snow and 36 mph winds

 

[Nick]

I bought that new snow Blower so we wouldn't get any ..
So far it is working , except for one 8" fall last month ..

I bought a windshield cover for the van last year.. What a life savor ..

No trying to scrape ice off in the morning ..

 

[Dan]

we had heavy snow and 36 mph winds

I did an inspection in Tulsa Saturday. Long drive, so I spent the night. Started seeing flurries in Springfield on the way home, but once I turned south the flurries eventually disappeared. Ended up with teh ground covered. It's gone now.

 

[Floorist]

I did an inspection in Tulsa Saturday. Long drive, so I spent the night. Started seeing flurries in Springfield on the way home, but once I turned south the flurries eventually disappeared. Ended up with teh ground covered. It's gone now.

I-44 around Miami OK. was closed last night be cause of wrecks. You got out just in time.

 

[Nick]

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