Your mom so hairy you came out with rug burn
Jokes
- Thread starter Floorist
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Apparently, I have 'boundary issues' - well, at least thats what my neighbors diary says, that she keeps in the top left drawer of her dresser...
bugs
I won the lottery and went home to tell my wife.
I said, "Pack your bags I won the lottery!"
She said excitedly, Oh my, where are we going?"
I said, "You don't understand, I said pack your bags I won the lottery."
I said, "Pack your bags I won the lottery!"
She said excitedly, Oh my, where are we going?"
I said, "You don't understand, I said pack your bags I won the lottery."
mothra
One deer to another during hunting season: "Don't worry, he can't possibly hit us from that dist . . . "
Nick
In Remembrance
The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."
The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night.. Bob sat up and watched me all night."
With age comes wisdom.
The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."
The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night.. Bob sat up and watched me all night."
With age comes wisdom.
Can I just ask everyone a huge favor? Those of you who are planning to put Christmas lights in your yards, please can you avoid anything red or blue and flashing? Every time I drive past, I think it's the cops and have a mild panic attack. I have to take my foot off the gas, slam on the brakes, put my seat belt on, throw my phone on the floor, hide my whiskey, swallow my joint, and shove the gun under the seat. It's a major drama. I really appreciate your cooperation and understanding.And it all offends me ��������
tents
starving
Nick
In Remembrance
Got the tree up ..
Nick
In Remembrance
Wife's Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.
I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behaviour. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else.
He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
Husband's Diary:
A two-foot putt .... who the hell misses a two-foot putt?
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.
I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behaviour. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else.
He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
Husband's Diary:
A two-foot putt .... who the hell misses a two-foot putt?
Nick
In Remembrance
....
A woman awakes in the middle of the night to find her husband not in bed. She suspects that hes preparing a surprise for her since today is their 20th wedding anniversary, so she puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye.
Whats the matter, dear? she whispers as she steps into the room, You havent been sitting here all night, have you!?
The husband looks up from his drink, Its the 20th Anniversary of the day we met.
She cant believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.
The husband continues, Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15, he said solemnly.
Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.
Yes, I do, she replies.
The husband pauses The words were not coming easily.
Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?
Yes, I remember, said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued, Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, Either you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in prison?
I remember that too, she replied softly
He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, I would have gotten out today.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye.
Whats the matter, dear? she whispers as she steps into the room, You havent been sitting here all night, have you!?
The husband looks up from his drink, Its the 20th Anniversary of the day we met.
She cant believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.
The husband continues, Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15, he said solemnly.
Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.
Yes, I do, she replies.
The husband pauses The words were not coming easily.
Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?
Yes, I remember, said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued, Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, Either you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in prison?
I remember that too, she replied softly
He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, I would have gotten out today.
Nick
In Remembrance
....
Nick
In Remembrance
Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home.
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old.
You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time,
you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"
"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy,
you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran,
you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.
I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock;
no problem at all."
"Do you have trouble crapping?"
"No, I crap every morning at 6:30."
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight.
You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30.
So what's so tough about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00."
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old.
You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time,
you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"
"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy,
you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran,
you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.
I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock;
no problem at all."
"Do you have trouble crapping?"
"No, I crap every morning at 6:30."
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight.
You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30.
So what's so tough about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00."
My mom said that if I don't get off my computer and do
my homework she'll slam my head on the keyboard,
but I think she's jokinfjreoijrt we4to8rkljre un8f4ny84c8y4t58lym4wth ylmhawt4mylt4amlathnatyn
my homework she'll slam my head on the keyboard,
but I think she's jokinfjreoijrt we4to8rkljre un8f4ny84c8y4t58lym4wth ylmhawt4mylt4amlathnatyn
I found the perfect sign for Home Depot and Lowes sales people.
Print it, spray on some adhesive and casually walk into the store and apply it to the glass doors. Double dog dare ya.
Nick
In Remembrance
A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy three nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up two of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
"No," the woman replied. "I'm with the IRS."
A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
"No," the woman replied. "I'm with the IRS."
