Jokes

[Nick]

Sister Margaret was a model nun all of her life, until she was called to get her just rewards. As she approached the pearly gates, Saint Peter said “Hold on, Sister Margaret…not so fast!”

“But I have been good all my life and dedicated to the work of the Lord. From the time I was taken in as an infant by the sisters at the convent to my dying breath… I have lived for this moment!” Sister Margaret exclaimed in disbelief.

“That is precisely the problem,” replied St. Peter, “…you never learned right from wrong and to get into heaven, you must know the difference between right and wrong”.

“Well, what can I do? I will do anything to get into heaven!” Sister Margaret pleaded.

“I am going to have to send you back down to Earth. When you get there, I want you to smoke a cigarette and call me when you are finished. We will discuss your situation then.” ordered St. Peter.

Sister Margaret returned to Earth, smoked a Camel, and then immediately called St. Peter, coughing and hacking. “Saint Peter” she gasped, “I can hardly breathe, my mouth tastes terrible, my breath stinks, I feel dizzy, and I think I am going to throw up”.

“Good!” replied the old saint, “Now you are finally getting a feel for right and wrong. Now go out tonight and drink some hard liquor and call me back when you are ready.”

Sister Margaret phoned St. Peter immediately after taking several belts of Jack Daniels.

“Saint Peter, I feel woozy… that vile liquid burned my throat and nauseated me…it is all I can do to keep it down.”

“Good…good! Now you are starting to see the difference between right and wrong,” said St. Peter with delight.

“Tomorrow I want you to seek out a man and know him in the Biblical sense, and then call me.”

A week passed before Sister Margaret called St. Peter and left a message:

“Yo, Pete…it’s Peggy…It’s gonna be a while!”

 

[Nick]

....

 

[Floorist]

I hate spelling errors... you mix up 2 letters and your whole post is urined.

 

[zannej]

....

rotfl!

 

[Floorist]

yabba

 

[Floorist]

A Butter Bar was leading his platoon cross-country across a farm field. He came across a pool of water, and saw the farmer standing nearby and asked "Is this water deep?"
The farmer said "I don't think so."
So, the 2LT proceeded at full speed and his tank sunk.
He said the the farmer "I thought that you said this water wasn't deep!"
The farmer held his hand up to his chest and said "It only comes up to here on my ducks!"

 

[Floorist]

duck

 

[highup]

The cartoon looks a bit like Steven Wright, and sounds like something he would come up with.

 

[Nick]

....

 

[Floorist]

shoes

 

[DarisMulkin]

Your mom so hairy you came out with rug burn

 

[Floorist]

Apparently, I have 'boundary issues' - well, at least thats what my neighbors diary says, that she keeps in the top left drawer of her dresser...

 

[Floorist]

bugs

 

[Floorist]

I won the lottery and went home to tell my wife.

I said, "Pack your bags I won the lottery!"

She said excitedly, Oh my, where are we going?"

I said, "You don't understand, I said pack your bags I won the lottery."

 

[Floorist]

mothra

 

[Floorist]

One deer to another during hunting season: "Don't worry, he can't possibly hit us from that dist . . . "

 

[Nick]

The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night.. Bob sat up and watched me all night."

With age comes wisdom.

 

[Floorist]

Can I just ask everyone a huge favor? Those of you who are planning to put Christmas lights in your yards, please can you avoid anything red or blue and flashing? Every time I drive past, I think it's the cops and have a mild panic attack. I have to take my foot off the gas, slam on the brakes, put my seat belt on, throw my phone on the floor, hide my whiskey, swallow my joint, and shove the gun under the seat. It's a major drama. I really appreciate your cooperation and understanding.And it all offends me ��������

 

[Floorist]

tents

 

[Floorist]

starving