Jokes

[Don Monfils]

We had a little snow yesterday View attachment ImageUploadedByFlooring Forum1517886506.171039.jpg
I left my trailer at the job Saturday

Light fluffy stuff.
The snow cleared off the roof nice at 75 mph. On the way home.

 

[Nick]

I use a soft hair push broom to pull the snow off the top & sides of my Van .. Fast . A good Leaf blower works great on that light fluffy stuff..

 

[Don Monfils]

I normally clean the roof off at home.
I had no ladder at the job site. The trailer is 9’ tall. I use to use a extendable roof rake but it was burned up in the garage fire.

Not much traffic up where I was working. I wouldn’t do that in heavy traffic.
So sick of winter, we’re supposed to get another foot tomorrow 😳

 

[Nick]

Saw it on the news .. Giving that new snow blower a work out ..

 

[Floorist]

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.

The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn’t serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black. The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn’t serve blondes.

Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red. Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time. To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn’t serve blondes.

The blonde asks the clerk, “How in the world do you know I am a blonde?” The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says, “That’s not a TV – it’s a microwave.

 

[Floorist]

A brunette goes into the doctor’s office and tells him that everywhere she touches, it hurts.

“Impossible,” the doctor says. “Show me.”

So the brunette touches her elbow and screams. Then she touches her knee and screams. Then she touches her ankle and screams. And this goes on until the doctor finally says, “You’re not really brunette, are you?”

“No,” she says. “I’m naturally blonde.”

“I thought so,” says the doctor. “Your finger is broken.”

 

[Floorist]

A family was visiting an Indian reservation when they happen upon an old tribesman laying face down in the middle of the road with his ear pressed firmly against the blacktop. The father of the family asked the old tribesman what he was doing.
The tribesman began to speak, woman, late thirties, three kids, one barking dog in late model, Four door station wagon, traveling at 65 mph Thats amazing exclaimed the father.You can tell all of that by just listening to the ground
No, said the old tribesman.They just ran over me five minutes ago!

 

[Floorist]

A husband and wife went in for counseling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied,.. "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

 

[Floorist]

A young man was smitten with a young woman and was about to ask her to marry him, but he had not introduced her to his hypercritical mother yet, so he decided to invite her and 4 other friends to a dinner with his mother.

After dinner and all the friends were gone, he asked his mother to guess which one he wanted to marry.

She answered " The one with the short hair."

He said " How did you know that?"

Mother says, " She's the only one that I didn't like."

 

[Nick]

Last Friday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a prostate exam. Of course, I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.

The waiting room was filled with patients.

As I approached the receptionist's desk, I noticed that she was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.

I gave her my name, and in a very loud voice, she said,

YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE. YOU WANT TO SEE THE

DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, a now very embarrassed man. But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,

NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE

OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR

THAT DID YOURS.

The room erupted in applause.

DON'T MESS WITH OLD RETIRED GUYS. WE WIN EVERY TIME.

 

[Floorist]

Joe and Jane have been married for 60+ years.

They have shared everything except for a small box in the closet that Joe was to never open.

Suddenly Jane falls ill and is near death. And gives Joe permission to open the box, inside is $125,000, and a small crocheted doll.

Joe asks Jane What is this.

Jane says " as a new bride my Mother said that every time that I got angry with you to keep calm and crochet a doll.

Joe is proud that she was only angry once in all these years.

Asks " but what about all this money?"

Jane says " oh that is from selling the dolls."

 

[Floorist]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

We must stay alert for these indicators:

This is what all of us 70+ year-olds have to look forward to! This is something that happened at an assisted living center.

The people who lived there have small apartments but they all eat in a central dining room. One morning, one of the residents didn't show up for breakfast so my wife went upstairs and knocked on his door to see if everything was OK. She could hear him through the door and he said that he was running late and would be down shortly so she went back to the dining area.
An hour later he still hadn't arrived so she went back up towards his room and she found him on the stairs. He was coming down the stairs but was having a hell of time. He had a death grip on the hand rail and seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right. She told him she was going to call an ambulance but he told her no, he wasn't in any pain and he just wanted to have his breakfast. So she helped him the rest of the way down the stairs and he had his breakfast.

When he tried to return to his room, he was completely unable to get up even the first step so they called an ambulance for him. A couple hours later she called the hospital to see how he was doing. The receptionist there said he was fine and that he just had both of his legs in one leg of his boxer shorts.

I am sending this to my children so that they don't sell the house before they know the facts.

 

[Floorist]

A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting drunk. A man came in and asked the farmer,

“Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?”

The farmer shook his head and replied,

“Some things you just can’t explain.”

“So what happened that’s so horrible?” the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.

“Well,” the farmer said, “today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket.”

“Okay,” said the man, “but that’s not so bad.” “Some things you just can’t explain,” the farmer replied. “So what happened then?” the man asked. The farmer said, “I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.”

“And then?”

“Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.”

The man laughed and said, “Again?” The farmer replied, “Some things you just can’t explain.” “So, what did you do then?” the man asked.

“I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.”

“And then?”

“Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.”

“Hmmm,” the man said and nodded his head. “Some things you just can’t explain,” the farmer said.

“So, what did you do?” the man asked.

“Well,” the farmer said, “I didn’t have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in… Some things you just can’t explain.”

 

[zannej]

LOL!
I remember an old silent film called The Red Mill. The main character was trying to milk a cow and the cow kept swinging her tail and hitting the woman. So the woman tied a brick to the cow's tail to try to stop her from being able to swing it. So next thing you know she's getting hit with the brick attached to the tail. The sequence where she was trying to set up the ironing board was hilarious as well. I highly recommend watching that film.

 

[Nick]

Sounds like a old 3 Stooges movie ..

 

[Floorist]

One day a blonde came home from school and came to her mother and said, “Hey, Mommy! Mommy! Today in school we learned to count. The other kids could only count to three but I can count to ten….. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!”

The mother responds, “Very good honey.” The blonde asks, “Is that because I’m a blonde mommy?” And the mother responds, “Yes dear.”

Next day the blonde came home and went to her mother and said, “Today in school we learned our ABCs! The other kids could only get to D but I can get to K! …. A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K!”

The mother says, “Very good honey.” The blonde then asked. “Is that because I’m a blonde, Mommy?” The mother responds, “Yes dear.”

The third day the blonde come home from school and said to her mother, “Mommy today in school we went swimming! But I was the only one who had breasts. Is that because I’m a blonde, Mommy?”
 And the mother responds, “No Honey, it’s because you’re twenty five.”

 

[Nick]

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[Nick]

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[Floorist]

This Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face. “Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?” She told him, “because he was conceived during a mighty storm.”

Then he asked, “Why is my sister named Cornflower?” She replied, “Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her.”

“And why is my other sister called Moonchild?” The mother said, “We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived.”

Mother Indian paused and asked her son, “Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?”

 

[Nick]

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