Jokes

[Floorist]

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, “Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.” The grandfather replies, “I’ll bet you five dollars you can’t. It’s too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole.”

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole.

The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says,

“Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars.”

The grandfather replies, “I know. That’s from your grandma.”

 

[Floorist]

Overheard at the Airline ticket counter.

An older woman requested window seats for both herself and her husband.

Ticket agent says, " That will prevent you and your husband from sitting together."

The woman says "Dear, I just spent 10 days in a Compact rental car with him, I know what I'm doing."

 

[Nick]

....

 

[havasu]

Been there, done that! Having lived on a golf course, I lost 2-3 windows a year, and dented every car I owned. Never again!

 

[Floorist]

The mother was having a hard time getting her son to go to school in the morning.

“Nobody likes me in school”, he complained, “The teachers don’t like me, the correspondent wants to transfer me, the bus drivers hate me, the School Board wants me to drop out. I don’t want to go to school.”

“But you have to go to school”, countered his mother, “You are healthy, you have a lot to learn, you have something to offer others, you are a leader. And especially because you are the Principal!”

 

[zannej]

LOL! When I went back on home leave and visited one of my nicer teachers in class, her husband (who was then the principal of the high school) came in to complain that he didn't want to go to the school board meeting because the schoolboard, in their infinite wisdom, decided to change all of the busdriver's routes without discussing it with them first. And they wanted him to go tell the busdrivers what their new routes were. He said he was going to get eaten alive and he thought it was stupid for the schoolboard to change things like that without any discussions. But, that's the school board for you.

 

[Floorist]

Our local school board bought a piece of ground across the street behind the high school several years ago. When they got ready to build on it, the engineer told them that it wasn't structurally sound and could not be used for a building. The ag class now has cattle on it.

 

[Nick]

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[Nick]

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[Nick]

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[Floorist]

A man, his wife and MIL are on vacation in the holy city when his MIL suddenly dies. The local mortician says that it would only cost $150 to bury her there but $10,000 to send her back. The man says, send her back. The mortician says, you must have been very fond of her. The man says, no, there was a man buried here who came back to life on the 4th day.

 

[Floorist]

An old snake goes to see his doctor.

He says, “Doctor, I need something for my eyes. I can’t see well these days”. The doctor fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.

The snake comes back in 2 weeks, and tells the doctor he’s very depressed.

The doctor says, “What’s the problem? Didn’t the glasses help you?”

“The glasses are fine doc. I just discovered I’ve been living with a water hose the past 2 years!”

 

[Floorist]

Roman’s garage burned down and his wife, Tessa, called the insurance company.

Susan spoke to the insurance officer and said, “We had that garage insured for sixty thousand, and I want my money.”

The officer answered, “Hold on there, just a minute. Insurance doesn’t work quite like that. An independent adjuster will assess the value of what was insured, and then we’ll provide you with a new garage of similar worth.”

There was a long quiet pause, and then Tessa answered, “If that’s how it works, then I want to cancel the life insurance certificate on my husband.”

 

[DarisMulkin]

This guy goes to the same cafe everyday. H e always orders the same thing, a ham and chesse sandwich. The waitress is so tired of ham and cheese sandwiches she could scream. One day she sees the guy crossing the street and hollers at the cook to see if she could take it off the menu. He said yes. So the guy comes thru the door and she says to him "I just scratched what you want." He says "fine wash your hands and give me a ham and cheese sandwich."

:camping:

Daris

 

[zannej]

My maternal grandfather's favorite Far Side clip

 

[Floorist]

Bill Clinton, Dan Quayle and Newt Gingrich are out in the Rose Garden discussing policy when all of a sudden a gigantic tornado comes and sweeps them up into the air, only to bring them crashing down a little while later.

They get up, dust themselves off, and look out in the distance, where they see the Emerald City. They suddenly realize theyre in the land of Oz.

Oh, boy! says Qualye. Im going to go see the Wizard and ask him for a brain!

Yeah! says Gingrich. And Im going to ask him for a heart!”

Hey says Clinton, looking around. Where's Dorothy?

 

[Floorist]

The Discovery of a New Element

Scientists at CERN in Geneva have announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element Governmentium (Gv). It has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons which are surrounded by vast quantities of right-on-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons or protons, it is inert. However, it can be detected because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. Even a tiny amount of Governmentium causes a reaction which normally takes only a few days to complete to four years or more to finish or resolve.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years. It does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientist to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical point of concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons. Vast sums of money are consumed in the exchange yet no other by-products are produced.

 

[zannej]

The Discovery of a New Element

Scientists at CERN in Geneva have announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element Governmentium (Gv). It has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons which are surrounded by vast quantities of right-on-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons or protons, it is inert. However, it can be detected because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. Even a tiny amount of Governmentium causes a reaction which normally takes only a few days to complete to four years or more to finish or resolve.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years. It does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientist to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical point of concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons. Vast sums of money are consumed in the exchange yet no other by-products are produced.

ROTFL! I love it!

 

[Floorist]

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.
"An ambulance just drove by!"
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike!"
"Looks like the Sanders are moving!
"Jason is on his skate board!"
After a few moments he announced, "The Coopers are doing it!!"

Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know that?"

"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."

 

[Nick]

LOL