Nick
In Remembrance
....
Jokes
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Three Wishes
A man was walking along the beach when he finds an old oil lamp. He picks it up and rubs it and out comes a genie.
The genie says to the startled man, Thank you for freeing me from the lamp. For this I will grant you three wishes, but whatever you wish for, your ex-wife will get twice as much. What is your first wish?
The man says, I'd like a brand new Rolls Royce!
The genie says, You now have a brand new Rolls Royce in your garage at home, and your ex-wife has two. What is your second wish?
The man says, I'd like five million dollars in my bank account!
The genie replied, You now have five million dollars in your bank account, and your ex-wife has ten million dollars in hers. What is your third and final wish?
The man thinks for a moment, turns to the genie and says, I want you to scare me half to death!
A man was walking along the beach when he finds an old oil lamp. He picks it up and rubs it and out comes a genie.
The genie says to the startled man, Thank you for freeing me from the lamp. For this I will grant you three wishes, but whatever you wish for, your ex-wife will get twice as much. What is your first wish?
The man says, I'd like a brand new Rolls Royce!
The genie says, You now have a brand new Rolls Royce in your garage at home, and your ex-wife has two. What is your second wish?
The man says, I'd like five million dollars in my bank account!
The genie replied, You now have five million dollars in your bank account, and your ex-wife has ten million dollars in hers. What is your third and final wish?
The man thinks for a moment, turns to the genie and says, I want you to scare me half to death!
The main reason that santa is
so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls
live.
so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls
live.
balls
Nick
In Remembrance
.... I'm ready to give him one behind the ear !!
Nick
In Remembrance
The owner of a drugstore walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a
wall with an odd look on his face.
The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here at 7 A.M. to get something for his
cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of
laxatives."
The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"
wall with an odd look on his face.
The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here at 7 A.M. to get something for his
cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of
laxatives."
The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it was, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."
The man sets about his task. Forty five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have travelled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth."
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound." The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door."
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny. May I have the key?" The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
But I can't tell you what it is, because you're not a monk ...
:camping:
Daris
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it was, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."
The man sets about his task. Forty five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have travelled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth."
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound." The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door."
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny. May I have the key?" The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
But I can't tell you what it is, because you're not a monk ...
:camping:
Daris
Nick
In Remembrance
....
I bet we all know that one guy, if his IQ was one point lower, he would be a plant.
A mama mole, a papa mole and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole.
One day, the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says, "Yum! I smell maple syrup!"
The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says, "Yum! I smell honey!"
The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the 2 bigger moles are in the way. So he says, "Jeez, all I can smell is.....
..... molasses!"
One day, the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says, "Yum! I smell maple syrup!"
The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says, "Yum! I smell honey!"
The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the 2 bigger moles are in the way. So he says, "Jeez, all I can smell is.....
..... molasses!"
A circus owner runs an ad for a "lion tamer wanted" and two people show up.
One is a retired golfer in his seventies, the other a drop-dead gorgeous brunette with a great body in her twenties.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history.
"Here's your equipment -- a chair, a whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The gorgeous brunette says, "I'll go first."
She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage.
The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her.
As he gets close, the gorgeous brunette throws open her coat, revealing her beautiful, perfect naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss every inch of her body for several minutes, then lays down and rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's jaw is on the floor!! He says, "That's amazing! I've never seen anything like that in my life!"
He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"
The tough old golfer replies, "Possibly... but you've got to get that lion out of there first."
One is a retired golfer in his seventies, the other a drop-dead gorgeous brunette with a great body in her twenties.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history.
"Here's your equipment -- a chair, a whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The gorgeous brunette says, "I'll go first."
She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage.
The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her.
As he gets close, the gorgeous brunette throws open her coat, revealing her beautiful, perfect naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss every inch of her body for several minutes, then lays down and rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's jaw is on the floor!! He says, "That's amazing! I've never seen anything like that in my life!"
He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"
The tough old golfer replies, "Possibly... but you've got to get that lion out of there first."
A professor at the Auburn University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'
About 90 students raise their hands.
Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'
About 40 students raise their hands.
That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'
About 15 students raise their hand.
Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'
Three students raise their hands.
That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'
Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'
The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'
Ahmed replied, "Shucks, from way back there I thought you said Goats."
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'
About 90 students raise their hands.
Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'
About 40 students raise their hands.
That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'
About 15 students raise their hand.
Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'
Three students raise their hands.
That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'
Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'
The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'
Ahmed replied, "Shucks, from way back there I thought you said Goats."
management
My grandfather is from Minnesota. He said one day, he woke up, got out of bed, stuck a snow shovel under his arm and walked straight south until someone asked him what it was. That's his story of moving to Oklahoma
Nick
In Remembrance
.....
Nick
In Remembrance
....
Q: Who invented Copper wire?
A: Two attorneys , fighting over the last penny.
A: Two attorneys , fighting over the last penny.
??????????????
Nick
In Remembrance
Been having trouble spinning in the sand waiting for it to post..
Some days, No Problem ..
Some days, No Problem ..
