Nick
In Remembrance
Thanks
Jokes
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Thanks for the link! It was a very interesting article. One of 18 children... wow. But cancer... I hate cancer!
Nick
In Remembrance
....
Married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde.
Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but Im sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things.
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed.
Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but Im sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things.
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed.
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole. The grandfather replies, Ill bet you five dollars you cant. Its too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole.
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole.
The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says,
Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars.
The grandfather replies, I know. Thats from your grandma.
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole.
The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says,
Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars.
The grandfather replies, I know. Thats from your grandma.
Overheard at the Airline ticket counter.
An older woman requested window seats for both herself and her husband.
Ticket agent says, " That will prevent you and your husband from sitting together."
The woman says "Dear, I just spent 10 days in a Compact rental car with him, I know what I'm doing."
An older woman requested window seats for both herself and her husband.
Ticket agent says, " That will prevent you and your husband from sitting together."
The woman says "Dear, I just spent 10 days in a Compact rental car with him, I know what I'm doing."
Nick
In Remembrance
....
Been there, done that! Having lived on a golf course, I lost 2-3 windows a year, and dented every car I owned. Never again!
The mother was having a hard time getting her son to go to school in the morning.
Nobody likes me in school, he complained, The teachers dont like me, the correspondent wants to transfer me, the bus drivers hate me, the School Board wants me to drop out. I dont want to go to school.
But you have to go to school, countered his mother, You are healthy, you have a lot to learn, you have something to offer others, you are a leader. And especially because you are the Principal!
Nobody likes me in school, he complained, The teachers dont like me, the correspondent wants to transfer me, the bus drivers hate me, the School Board wants me to drop out. I dont want to go to school.
But you have to go to school, countered his mother, You are healthy, you have a lot to learn, you have something to offer others, you are a leader. And especially because you are the Principal!
LOL! When I went back on home leave and visited one of my nicer teachers in class, her husband (who was then the principal of the high school) came in to complain that he didn't want to go to the school board meeting because the schoolboard, in their infinite wisdom, decided to change all of the busdriver's routes without discussing it with them first. And they wanted him to go tell the busdrivers what their new routes were. He said he was going to get eaten alive and he thought it was stupid for the schoolboard to change things like that without any discussions. But, that's the school board for you.
Our local school board bought a piece of ground across the street behind the high school several years ago. When they got ready to build on it, the engineer told them that it wasn't structurally sound and could not be used for a building. The ag class now has cattle on it.
Nick
In Remembrance
....
Nick
In Remembrance
....
Nick
In Remembrance
....
A man, his wife and MIL are on vacation in the holy city when his MIL suddenly dies. The local mortician says that it would only cost $150 to bury her there but $10,000 to send her back. The man says, send her back. The mortician says, you must have been very fond of her. The man says, no, there was a man buried here who came back to life on the 4th day.
An old snake goes to see his doctor.
He says, Doctor, I need something for my eyes. I cant see well these days. The doctor fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.
The snake comes back in 2 weeks, and tells the doctor hes very depressed.
The doctor says, Whats the problem? Didnt the glasses help you?
The glasses are fine doc. I just discovered Ive been living with a water hose the past 2 years!
He says, Doctor, I need something for my eyes. I cant see well these days. The doctor fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.
The snake comes back in 2 weeks, and tells the doctor hes very depressed.
The doctor says, Whats the problem? Didnt the glasses help you?
The glasses are fine doc. I just discovered Ive been living with a water hose the past 2 years!
Romans garage burned down and his wife, Tessa, called the insurance company.
Susan spoke to the insurance officer and said, We had that garage insured for sixty thousand, and I want my money.
The officer answered, Hold on there, just a minute. Insurance doesnt work quite like that. An independent adjuster will assess the value of what was insured, and then well provide you with a new garage of similar worth.
There was a long quiet pause, and then Tessa answered, If thats how it works, then I want to cancel the life insurance certificate on my husband.
Susan spoke to the insurance officer and said, We had that garage insured for sixty thousand, and I want my money.
The officer answered, Hold on there, just a minute. Insurance doesnt work quite like that. An independent adjuster will assess the value of what was insured, and then well provide you with a new garage of similar worth.
There was a long quiet pause, and then Tessa answered, If thats how it works, then I want to cancel the life insurance certificate on my husband.
Secret Cat Diary
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from shredding the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant and cough it up on the carpeting.
DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed (again).
DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan...
DAY 768- I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo". What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth and the tiny bit of flesh under my claws.
DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies". Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from shredding the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant and cough it up on the carpeting.
DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed (again).
DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan...
DAY 768- I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo". What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth and the tiny bit of flesh under my claws.
DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies". Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.
This guy goes to the same cafe everyday. H e always orders the same thing, a ham and chesse sandwich. The waitress is so tired of ham and cheese sandwiches she could scream. One day she sees the guy crossing the street and hollers at the cook to see if she could take it off the menu. He said yes. So the guy comes thru the door and she says to him "I just scratched what you want." He says "fine wash your hands and give me a ham and cheese sandwich."
:camping:
Daris
:camping:
Daris
