Jokes

[Floorist]

YOU MARRY A MISSOURI GIRL

The first man married a woman from New York. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.. It took a couple of days, ...but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Cincinnati. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Missouri. He ordered her to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything.....but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

 

[Floorist]

 

[zannej]

 

[Floorist]

A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant

who liked to wearvery short skirts and thong panties.




One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop

assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing

her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a

brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.





The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin

bread located on the very top shelf. The man standing almost directly

beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought. When

she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves.



As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the

other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own

loaf of raisin bread. After many trips she is tired and irritated and

begins to wonder, "Whythe unusual interest in the raisin bread?"






Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the

men standing below. Then, she notices an elderly man standing

among the crowd. Thinking that she can save herself another trip,

she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?"







"No," he stammers, "But it's quiverin' a little."

 

[Floorist]

 

[Nick]

LOL!

 

[Floorist]

 

[Nick]

LOL!

 

[zannej]

 

[Floorist]

 

[Nick]

 

[Nick]

 

[Nick]

 

[Nick]

Donald Trump was visiting a Washington primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.The teacher asked Mr Trump if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'. So our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'

A little boy stood up and offered:'
If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playin' in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy. ''Incorrect,' said Trump. 'That would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: '
If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.'' I'm afraid not',explained Trump, 'that's what we would refer to as a great loss'.

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Trump searched the room.' Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?

'Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand and said:
If a plane carrying you and Mr.Pence and your cabinet was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'' Fantastic' exclaimed Trump ,'and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?''

Well', said Johnny, 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a f....ing accident either!'

 

[Floorist]

fantastic

 

[Floorist]

woman visited a psychic of some repute.

In a dark and gloomy room, gazing at the Tarot cards laid out before her, the Tarot reader delivered the bad news; "There is no easy way to say this so I'll just be blunt, prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the psychic's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.... She simply had to know. She met the Tarot reader's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked:

"Will I get away with it?

 

[Nick]

Four worms and a lesson to be learned!

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol . . Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke . . . Dead.

Third worm in chocolate syrup . . . . Dead.

Fourth worm in good clean soil . . .Alive

So the Minister asked the congregation,

"What did you learn from this demonstration?"

Maxine was sitting in the back quickly raised her hand and said . . . "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

That pretty much ended the service!

 

[Nick]

 

[Floorist]

 

[Nick]