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Nick
In Remembrance
LOL!
Sorry about me
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Nick
In Remembrance
GENERAL JOKES
- I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
- A woman walks into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia. The librarian says "They're right behind you!"
- The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.
- Why do blind people hate skydiving? It scares the hell out of their dogs.
- When you look really close...all mirrors look like eyeballs.
- My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange" I said: "No it doesn't"
- I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.
- A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a swimming pool.
- My wife accused me of being immature. I told her to get out of my fort.
- As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden. The plot thickens.
- And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life". John came in fifth and won a toaster.
BLONDE JOKES
- Why can't a blonde dial 911? She can't find the eleven.
- How come it takes so long to build a blonde snowman? Because it's hard to hollow out the head.
- What did the blonde say when she saw the Cheerios box? "OMG, donut seeds!"
- Three blondes walk into a building. You'd think at least one of them would've seen it.
- How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday? Tell her a joke on Wednesday.
- How do you make a blonde's eyes light up? Shine a flashlight in her ear.
- What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? I wonder if it's mine.
- Three blondes girls were walking in the woods and came upon tracks.
--- The first one said, "Look, it's deer tracks."
--- The second one said, "No, it's wolf tracks."
--- Before the third one could give her opinion...they got hit by a train.
FUNNY SAYINGS
- If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
- I am not lazy, I am in energy saving mode.
- Life is short, smile while you still have teeth.
- A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand.
- Sorry for the mean, awful, accurate things I said.
- I’m sorry, I can't agree with you...hey, if you were right, I’d agree.
- People say nothing is impossible. WRONG -- I do nothing every day.
- The answer you're looking for is inside of you...but it's wrong.
- One advantage of talking to yourself is that at least you know somebody's listening.
- The more you weigh, the harder you are to kidnap. Stay safe, eat cake
- I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
- A woman walks into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia. The librarian says "They're right behind you!"
- The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.
- Why do blind people hate skydiving? It scares the hell out of their dogs.
- When you look really close...all mirrors look like eyeballs.
- My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange" I said: "No it doesn't"
- I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.
- A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a swimming pool.
- My wife accused me of being immature. I told her to get out of my fort.
- As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden. The plot thickens.
- And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life". John came in fifth and won a toaster.
BLONDE JOKES
- Why can't a blonde dial 911? She can't find the eleven.
- How come it takes so long to build a blonde snowman? Because it's hard to hollow out the head.
- What did the blonde say when she saw the Cheerios box? "OMG, donut seeds!"
- Three blondes walk into a building. You'd think at least one of them would've seen it.
- How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday? Tell her a joke on Wednesday.
- How do you make a blonde's eyes light up? Shine a flashlight in her ear.
- What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? I wonder if it's mine.
- Three blondes girls were walking in the woods and came upon tracks.
--- The first one said, "Look, it's deer tracks."
--- The second one said, "No, it's wolf tracks."
--- Before the third one could give her opinion...they got hit by a train.
FUNNY SAYINGS
- If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
- I am not lazy, I am in energy saving mode.
- Life is short, smile while you still have teeth.
- A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand.
- Sorry for the mean, awful, accurate things I said.
- I’m sorry, I can't agree with you...hey, if you were right, I’d agree.
- People say nothing is impossible. WRONG -- I do nothing every day.
- The answer you're looking for is inside of you...but it's wrong.
- One advantage of talking to yourself is that at least you know somebody's listening.
- The more you weigh, the harder you are to kidnap. Stay safe, eat cake
Frank Feldman
A man walked out into the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got in and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star, and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was really something special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything, not like me. I change a fuse and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow, what a guy!"
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them, But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished, too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
Passenger: "How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Oh, I never actually met Frank. He died, and I married his wife."
A man walked out into the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got in and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star, and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was really something special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything, not like me. I change a fuse and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow, what a guy!"
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them, But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished, too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
Passenger: "How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Oh, I never actually met Frank. He died, and I married his wife."
Nick
In Remembrance
The blonde one about getting her to laugh a few days later reminds me of the time I told a joke in school & three weeks later a friend of mine (who was a brunette born with fetal alcohol syndrome) started laughing hysterically for no apparent reason. When I asked why, she repeated the punchline of my joke bc she finally got it.
I'm stealing the "in energy saving mode" line. That shall henceforth be my new motto.
I'm stealing the "in energy saving mode" line. That shall henceforth be my new motto.
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to ta...ke a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
(You're gonna love this.)
The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
(You sang it, didn't you? Yeah, I know you did.)
Never take life too seriously.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to ta...ke a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
(You're gonna love this.)
The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
(You sang it, didn't you? Yeah, I know you did.)
Never take life too seriously.
I heard that one before where her name was Patty Black. LOL. My grandfather used to tell it all the time & it always made us laugh.
Today when I was leaving the Dollar Tree (I bought some cheap cleaning supplies), the clerk stopped & said "Hey, how do you make a tissue dance?" I said "How?" and she did a little wiggle and said "You put some boogie on it!" LOL! I then told her about the antelope jumping higher than the average house so she could share that one with her co-workers (she told me her co-workers were not appreciating her puns).
Today when I was leaving the Dollar Tree (I bought some cheap cleaning supplies), the clerk stopped & said "Hey, how do you make a tissue dance?" I said "How?" and she did a little wiggle and said "You put some boogie on it!" LOL! I then told her about the antelope jumping higher than the average house so she could share that one with her co-workers (she told me her co-workers were not appreciating her puns).
Two new sailors were on the deck of a ship.
One turns to other and says, "Its awfully quiet on deck tonight. Isn't it?"
Other sailor replies, "Everyone must be watching the band."
"There is no band on this ship."
"No, I definitely heard the captain say, a band on ship."
One turns to other and says, "Its awfully quiet on deck tonight. Isn't it?"
Other sailor replies, "Everyone must be watching the band."
"There is no band on this ship."
"No, I definitely heard the captain say, a band on ship."
