Jokes
- Thread starter Floorist
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I just reverse the motor, works the same.
If this buggy is rocking don't come knocking:
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A 60 year old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception.
His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment one of them asks him how did he land such a hot 23 year old beauty?
“Simple,” grins the millionaire, “I faked my age."
His friends are really amazed and ask him how much he said.
"Well", he replied. "I said I was 97!"
His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment one of them asks him how did he land such a hot 23 year old beauty?
“Simple,” grins the millionaire, “I faked my age."
His friends are really amazed and ask him how much he said.
"Well", he replied. "I said I was 97!"
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A Bible study group was discussing the unforeseen possibility of sudden death. "We will all die some day," the leader of the discussion said, "and none of us really knows when, but if we did we would all do a better job of preparing ourselves for that inevitable event." Everybody nodded their heads in agreement with this comment.
"What would you do if you knew you only had 4 weeks of life remaining before your death, before your Great Judgment Day?" the leader asked the group.
"For those 4 weeks, I would go out into my community and minister the Gospel to those that have not yet accepted Jesus into their lives." one gentleman said.
"A very admirable thing to do," said the group leader. And all the group members agreed that would be a very good thing to do.
"For those 4 weeks, I would dedicate all of my remaining time to serving my family, my church, and my fellow man with a greater conviction," one lady said enthusiastically.
"That's wonderful!" the group leader commented, and all the group members agreed that would be a very good thing to do.
One gentleman in the back finally spoke up loudly. " For those 4 weeks, I would travel throughout the United States with my mother-in-law in a Ford Escort, and stay in a Motel 6 every night."
Everyone was puzzled by his answer. "Why would you do that?" the group leader asked.
"Because," the man smiled sarcastically, "it would be the longest 4 weeks of my life."
"What would you do if you knew you only had 4 weeks of life remaining before your death, before your Great Judgment Day?" the leader asked the group.
"For those 4 weeks, I would go out into my community and minister the Gospel to those that have not yet accepted Jesus into their lives." one gentleman said.
"A very admirable thing to do," said the group leader. And all the group members agreed that would be a very good thing to do.
"For those 4 weeks, I would dedicate all of my remaining time to serving my family, my church, and my fellow man with a greater conviction," one lady said enthusiastically.
"That's wonderful!" the group leader commented, and all the group members agreed that would be a very good thing to do.
One gentleman in the back finally spoke up loudly. " For those 4 weeks, I would travel throughout the United States with my mother-in-law in a Ford Escort, and stay in a Motel 6 every night."
Everyone was puzzled by his answer. "Why would you do that?" the group leader asked.
"Because," the man smiled sarcastically, "it would be the longest 4 weeks of my life."
Nick
In Remembrance
LOL !!
Nick
In Remembrance
TRUE !!
Nick
In Remembrance
There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor.
The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget.
They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream.
"You might want to write it down," she said. ...
The husband said, "No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream."
She then told her husband she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream. "Write it down," she told him,
and again he said, "No, no, I can remember: you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream."
Then the old lady said she wants a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top. "Write it down," she told her husband and again he said,
"No, I got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top."
So he goes to get the ice cream and spends an unusually long time in the kitchen, over 30 minutes.
He comes out to his wife and hands her a plate of eggs and bacon.
The old wife stares at the plate for a moment, then looks at her husband and asks,
"Where's the toast?"
The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget.
They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream.
"You might want to write it down," she said. ...
The husband said, "No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream."
She then told her husband she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream. "Write it down," she told him,
and again he said, "No, no, I can remember: you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream."
Then the old lady said she wants a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top. "Write it down," she told her husband and again he said,
"No, I got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top."
So he goes to get the ice cream and spends an unusually long time in the kitchen, over 30 minutes.
He comes out to his wife and hands her a plate of eggs and bacon.
The old wife stares at the plate for a moment, then looks at her husband and asks,
"Where's the toast?"
Nick
In Remembrance
Nick
In Remembrance
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?' 'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.’
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down.' she says.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!’
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast?'
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?' 'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.’
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down.' she says.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!’
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast?'
This is an awesome story from a proud grandfather, you'll probably cry at the end.
Last week, I took my grandchildren to a restaurant.
My six-year-old grandson asked if he could say grace.
As we bowed our heads he said, God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food and I would even thank you more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert and liberty and justice for all. Amen!
Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark, that's what's wrong with this country.
Kids today don't even know how to pray, asking God for ice cream, why, I never!
Hearing this, my grand-son burst into tears and asked me, did I do it wrong, is God mad at me?
As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.
He winked at my grand-son and said, I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer.
Really my grand-son asked?
Cross my heart, the man replied.
Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes.
Naturally, I bought my grand-children ice cream at the end of the meal.
My grand-son stared at his for a moment and then did something I will remember the rest of my life.
He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman.
With a big smile he told her, here, this is for you.
Shove it up your ass you grouchy old bitch!
Touches the heart doesn't it?
Last week, I took my grandchildren to a restaurant.
My six-year-old grandson asked if he could say grace.
As we bowed our heads he said, God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food and I would even thank you more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert and liberty and justice for all. Amen!
Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark, that's what's wrong with this country.
Kids today don't even know how to pray, asking God for ice cream, why, I never!
Hearing this, my grand-son burst into tears and asked me, did I do it wrong, is God mad at me?
As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.
He winked at my grand-son and said, I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer.
Really my grand-son asked?
Cross my heart, the man replied.
Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes.
Naturally, I bought my grand-children ice cream at the end of the meal.
My grand-son stared at his for a moment and then did something I will remember the rest of my life.
He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman.
With a big smile he told her, here, this is for you.
Shove it up your ass you grouchy old bitch!
Touches the heart doesn't it?
