Jokes

[Nick]

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."--

 

[Nick]

 

[Floorist]

 

[Floorist]

Three buildings in town were overrun by squirrels—the town hall, the hardware store, and the church.
The town hall brought in some cats.
But after they tore up all the files, the mayor got rid of the predators, and soon the squirrels were back.

The hardware store humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside town.
But three days later, the squirrels climbed back in.

Only the church came up with an effective solution.
They baptized the squirrels and made them members.

Now they see them only on Christmas and Easter.

 

[Nick]

 

[Nick]

 

[Nick]

 

[Nick]

 

[Nick]

 

[Floorist]

 

[Nick]

LOL!

 

[Nick]

 

[Nick]

 

[Nick]

 

[zannej]

ROTFL!!! I love it!
I was saying something to my friend (while driving in some backwoods areas with no speed limit signs) how it would be nice if they set up transmitters to let people know what the speed limit was on the road they were on (I know it would take some tweaking) so they could see. My friend said "Then your car would tell on you if you speed!"

 

[Floorist]

 

[Floorist]

 

[Floorist]

A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly the recently married couple's house. She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."

The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.

Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she replied.

"Needs ironing," he says" "What's for dinner?"

 

[Ernesto]

 

[zannej]

Can't get no respect!!!
I loved Rodney Dangerfield!