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My truck left me
No one believes me.. what can I say....my Truck .has left me .she ran away......I love her fenders.. her bright head lights we never argued we didn't fight...... now she's gone I'm all alone....she even took ..my new cell phon
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'
'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.'
The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.
'No, this is Friday so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.
'Same,' says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?
'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'
'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'
'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man..
The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'
The man sighs... pauses and answers,
'My second wish was for a chick with long legs and who agrees with everything I say.'
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'
'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.'
The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.
'No, this is Friday so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.
'Same,' says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?
'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'
'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'
'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man..
The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'
The man sighs... pauses and answers,
'My second wish was for a chick with long legs and who agrees with everything I say.'
That's a sense of humor if I ever saw one.
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A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.
She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant. "Nothing," the woman answered "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."
She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant. "Nothing," the woman answered "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."
Haha!
A retired Navy Chief's wife was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to
Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who
responded:
"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're
crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking United," was the reply. "We got a great rate!
“United!" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their
planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.
So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Thair River
called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be
something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people
trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.
Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked
her about her trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one
of United's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up
to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome
28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot."
"And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling
job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were
overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra
charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know
you didn't get to see the Pope." ??
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss
Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet
some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private
room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me."
"Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and
shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"
He said: "Who messed up your hair?
Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who
responded:
"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're
crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking United," was the reply. "We got a great rate!
“United!" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their
planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.
So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Thair River
called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be
something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people
trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.
Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked
her about her trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one
of United's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up
to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome
28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot."
"And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling
job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were
overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra
charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know
you didn't get to see the Pope." ??
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss
Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet
some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private
room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me."
"Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and
shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"
He said: "Who messed up your hair?
A Woman goes to a Psychiatrist and complains: “I don't want to marry. I am educated, independent, and self-sufficient. I don't need a husband. But my parents are asking me to marry. What do I do?”
The psychiatrist replied: “YOU, undoubtedly will achieve great things in life. But somethings inevitably will not go the way you want.
Somethings will go wrong. Sometimes you will fail. Sometimes your plans won't work. Sometimes your wishes will not be fulfilled. Then who will you blame? Will you blame Yourself?”
Woman: “NO!!!”
Psychiatrist: “Right ... That's why you need a husband “
The psychiatrist replied: “YOU, undoubtedly will achieve great things in life. But somethings inevitably will not go the way you want.
Somethings will go wrong. Sometimes you will fail. Sometimes your plans won't work. Sometimes your wishes will not be fulfilled. Then who will you blame? Will you blame Yourself?”
Woman: “NO!!!”
Psychiatrist: “Right ... That's why you need a husband “
A New York attorney, representing a wealthy art collector, called and asked to speak to his client.
"Paul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."
The art collector replied, "You know, I've had an awful day, Jack, so let's hear the good news first."
The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she has invested only $5,000 in two very nice pictures that she thinks will bring somewhere between $15 and $20 million...and I think she could be right."
Paul replied enthusiastically, "Holy cow !! Well done !! My wife is a brilliant business woman, isn't she ? You've just made my day.
Now, I know I can handle the bad news. What is it ?"
The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary.”
"Paul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."
The art collector replied, "You know, I've had an awful day, Jack, so let's hear the good news first."
The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she has invested only $5,000 in two very nice pictures that she thinks will bring somewhere between $15 and $20 million...and I think she could be right."
Paul replied enthusiastically, "Holy cow !! Well done !! My wife is a brilliant business woman, isn't she ? You've just made my day.
Now, I know I can handle the bad news. What is it ?"
The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary.”
A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray..."God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please God...let me win the Lotto."
Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it. And again she prays..."God, please let me win the Lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lotto night comes and she still has no luck. Once again, she prays..."My God, why have You forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I have always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the Lotto just this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God Himself..."Sweetheart, work with Me on this... Buy a ticket"
Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it. And again she prays..."God, please let me win the Lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lotto night comes and she still has no luck. Once again, she prays..."My God, why have You forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I have always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the Lotto just this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God Himself..."Sweetheart, work with Me on this... Buy a ticket"
LOL! Reminds me how my grandfather needed a new car & was just sitting there praying & praying over and over to find a new car & my grandmother finally said "Ray, God isn't going to just walk up & hand you the keys to a car & tell you it's yours! You have to actually LOOK for one!"
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“When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off”........Stephen King
Just remember, don't let your alligator mouth overload your hummingbird ass.
A favorite while in law enforcement was, "Don't write a check with your mouth that your ass can't cash!"
Q: What do you call a skeleton in the closet with blonde hair?
A: Last year's hide-and-go-seek winner.
A: Last year's hide-and-go-seek winner.
