Jokes

[havasu]

In memory of Nick:


Why I Mow My Own Lawn:

Lee Trevino: a true story, and a legendary golfer, you gotta love him. He deserves an Eagle for this one.

Lee, a married man, was at his home in Dallas, mowing his front lawn, as he always did.

A lady driving by in a big, shiny Cadillac stopped in front of his house,
lowered the window and asked, “Excuse me, do you speak English? ”

Lee responded, “Yes Ma'am, I do.”

The lady then asked, “What do you charge to do yard work?”

Lee said, "Well, the lady in this house lets me sleep with her.”

The lady hurriedly put the car into gear and sped off.

 

[Floorist]

 

[DarisMulkin]

 

[Floorist]

 

[highup]

Thats a good'n.

 

[Floorist]

A man is walking to work one morning deep in thoughts...when the devil jumps in front of him.
Devil: Do you know who I am?
Man: Yes.
Devil: Are you shaking in your shoes now?
Man: No.
D: I can make your life a living hell in a second.
Man: It already is.
D: I can make it worse.
M: so?
D: I don't understand why you're so blase...
M: Because I've been married to your sister for 40 years.

 

[Floorist]

 

[DarisMulkin]

Southern Dialect

After having been served in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge, a real southern gentleman beckoned the waitress back and said quietly, "Miss, y'all sure are a luvly, luvly lady; can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of ***?"

"Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl. Then she looked around the room, smiled and added, "Sure, why not? You're nice lookin' too and it's pretty slow here right now, so why don't we just slip away up to my room?"

When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else, sir?"

"Why yes," replied the southern gentleman. "Ah sure 'preciate what y'all just did for me; it was real sweet and right neighbourly, but where ah come from in Albama, we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need to trouble y'all for a piece uh *** for mah drink."

 

[Floorist]

On their wedding night, the young bride
Approached her new husband and asked
For $20.00 for their first lovemaking
Encounter.
In his highly aroused state,
Her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a
Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that
She needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was
Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
His employer was going through a process of corporate
Downsizing, and he had been let go.


It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
Another position that paid anywhere near what
He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling
Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued
By the
bank which was worth over $2 million,
And informed him that they
Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for more than
Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
These holdings had multiplied and these were the
Results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!'
That's when she shot him.
You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
To keep their mouths shut

 

[havasu]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?


The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.’ 'What that tell you?' asked Tonto. The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute, then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?’


"You dumber than a Biden voter. It means someone stole the tent.

 

[Floorist]

 

[Floorist]

 

[DarisMulkin]

 

[Floorist]

 

[Floorist]

The thing about average intelligence, is that 1/2 the people are below it.

 

[Floorist]

 

[highup]

Sounds like something she'd say off camera.
I miss television like that.

 

[Floorist]

 

[Floorist]

I just found out that **** fighting is done with chickens …

That’s 12 months of training completely wasted!

 

[Floorist]