Jokes
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Several elderly nuns were in their second floor convent one night when a fire broke out.
They took their habits off, tied them together to make a rope and climbed out the window.
After they were safely on the ground and out of the building, a news reporter came over to one of the nuns and said to her, "Weren't you afraid that the habits could have ripped or broken since they are old?"
The nun replied, "Not really, you know, old habits are hard to break!"
They took their habits off, tied them together to make a rope and climbed out the window.
After they were safely on the ground and out of the building, a news reporter came over to one of the nuns and said to her, "Weren't you afraid that the habits could have ripped or broken since they are old?"
The nun replied, "Not really, you know, old habits are hard to break!"
groan
Took my kids to the zoo last week. Going back today to see how they are doing.
-Its 1939 and a Soviet army is marching on Finland
As they pass the border, they hear a Finnish voice over the hill - "One Finnish soldier is better than 10 Soviet soldiers!"
The Soviet general laughs, as he sends 10 men on the hill to capture it.
There is gunfire for a minute and then everything goes silent for a moment, and they then hear the same voice - "One Finnish soldier is better than a hundred of yours!"
Annoyed, the Soviet general sends hundred men to capture the hill.
There is gunfire and bombs going for ten minutes, and everything goes silent again.
Suddenly, the same voice yells out - "One Finnish soldier is better than thousand of Soviet soldiers!"
Enraged, the general sends a thousand men, accompanied with tanks, artillery, mortar teams, and tells them to not return until the hill is theirs.
For half an hour hell breaks loose, bombs and explosions, gunfire, screams and death all around, and then it goes silent again.
One Soviet soldier crawls back, severely wounded and battered.
Before the general could say anything, the soldier says -
"Do not send more troops, comrade general, it's a trap!
There is two of them."
As they pass the border, they hear a Finnish voice over the hill - "One Finnish soldier is better than 10 Soviet soldiers!"
The Soviet general laughs, as he sends 10 men on the hill to capture it.
There is gunfire for a minute and then everything goes silent for a moment, and they then hear the same voice - "One Finnish soldier is better than a hundred of yours!"
Annoyed, the Soviet general sends hundred men to capture the hill.
There is gunfire and bombs going for ten minutes, and everything goes silent again.
Suddenly, the same voice yells out - "One Finnish soldier is better than thousand of Soviet soldiers!"
Enraged, the general sends a thousand men, accompanied with tanks, artillery, mortar teams, and tells them to not return until the hill is theirs.
For half an hour hell breaks loose, bombs and explosions, gunfire, screams and death all around, and then it goes silent again.
One Soviet soldier crawls back, severely wounded and battered.
Before the general could say anything, the soldier says -
"Do not send more troops, comrade general, it's a trap!
There is two of them."
I recently picked a new primary care doctor.
After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.
(I just turned sixty-something.)
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?
I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing,
hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have lots of sex?'
'No,' I said...
He looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even care.
After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.
(I just turned sixty-something.)
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?
I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing,
hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have lots of sex?'
'No,' I said...
He looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even care.
A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam.
She said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death.
One smart male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?",
The whole classroom burst into laughter.
After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said,
"Not an excuse, you can still use your other hand to write."
She said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death.
One smart male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?",
The whole classroom burst into laughter.
After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said,
"Not an excuse, you can still use your other hand to write."
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually, she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping,
“Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?” When Mary didn’t stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
“God Almighty !” shouted Mary and the teacher said, “Very good” and Mary fell back to sleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, “Who is our Lord and Savior?” But Mary didn’t even stir from her slumber.
Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. “Jesus Christ!” shouted Mary and the teacher said, “Very good,” and Mary fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?”
And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, “If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I’ll break it in half!”
The Teacher fainted
“Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?” When Mary didn’t stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
“God Almighty !” shouted Mary and the teacher said, “Very good” and Mary fell back to sleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, “Who is our Lord and Savior?” But Mary didn’t even stir from her slumber.
Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. “Jesus Christ!” shouted Mary and the teacher said, “Very good,” and Mary fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?”
And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, “If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I’ll break it in half!”
The Teacher fainted
It's a 5 minute walk from our house to the bar.
It's a 30 minute walk from the bar to our house.
The difference is staggering.
It's a 30 minute walk from the bar to our house.
The difference is staggering.
