Jokes

[DarisMulkin]

-Its 1939 and a Soviet army is marching on Finland


As they pass the border, they hear a Finnish voice over the hill - "One Finnish soldier is better than 10 Soviet soldiers!"


The Soviet general laughs, as he sends 10 men on the hill to capture it.


There is gunfire for a minute and then everything goes silent for a moment, and they then hear the same voice - "One Finnish soldier is better than a hundred of yours!"


Annoyed, the Soviet general sends hundred men to capture the hill.



There is gunfire and bombs going for ten minutes, and everything goes silent again.



Suddenly, the same voice yells out - "One Finnish soldier is better than thousand of Soviet soldiers!"

Enraged, the general sends a thousand men, accompanied with tanks, artillery, mortar teams, and tells them to not return until the hill is theirs.


For half an hour hell breaks loose, bombs and explosions, gunfire, screams and death all around, and then it goes silent again.


One Soviet soldier crawls back, severely wounded and battered.


Before the general could say anything, the soldier says -


"Do not send more troops, comrade general, it's a trap!

There is two of them."

 

[Floorist]

I recently picked a new primary care doctor.
After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.
(I just turned sixty-something.)
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?
I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing,
hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have lots of ***?'
'No,' I said...
He looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even care.

 

[Floorist]

 

[Floorist]

A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam.
She said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death.
One smart male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?",
The whole classroom burst into laughter.
After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said,
"Not an excuse, you can still use your other hand to write."

 

[Floorist]

 

[Floorist]

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually, she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping,
“Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?” When Mary didn’t stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
“God Almighty !” shouted Mary and the teacher said, “Very good” and Mary fell back to sleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, “Who is our Lord and Savior?” But Mary didn’t even stir from her slumber.
Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. “Jesus Christ!” shouted Mary and the teacher said, “Very good,” and Mary fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?”
And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, “If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I’ll break it in half!”
The Teacher fainted

 

[Floorist]

 

[Floorist]

 

[DarisMulkin]

It's a 5 minute walk from our house to the bar.


It's a 30 minute walk from the bar to our house.


The difference is staggering.

 

[Floorist]

 

[Floorist]

 

[highup]

View attachment 13962

Notice how everyone is pointing the gun in a safe direction? Lots of people not smart enough today.

 

[Floorist]

Wise Italian Grandfather
An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ...38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "
"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. "Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up!' "?

 

[Floorist]

Joe Biden is just Hillary Clinton with a smaller ****.

 

[Dan]

 

[Floorist]

 

[Floorist]

 

[Floorist]

 

[Floorist]

 

[DarisMulkin]

Conway Twitty

In the early 1970s, a young man graduated from Seminary and was sent to a small Southern town to be their minister.

This young man looked almost exactly like country singer Conway Twitty. After settling in at his house, he decided to introduce himself to some members of his congregation.

The first stop was an elderly couple. He knocked on the door, the woman answered and yelled "Conway Twitty! Pa, come quick, Conway Twitty's come to visit!"

The minister says "No ma'am, I'm the new Methodist minister, and I'm introducing myself to my parishioners." They talk for a while and he goes to the next house on his list.

Once there, he knocks on the door, a middle-aged woman answers, and again, "Conway Twitty! Oh my, I'm such a big fan of your music!"

Again, the minister has to tell her "No ma'am, I'm the new Methodist minister, and I'm introducing myself to my parishioners." They talk for a while and he leaves.

His visitations aren't going at all according to plan, so he decides to stop after one more house. When he arrives, he knocks on the door, but there's no answer.

He waits a minute and knocks again, then hears someone running toward the door. It opens to reveal a beautiful redhead, still dripping wet from the shower, wearing nothing but a towel clutched in one hand. Her eyes widen and she lifts both hands to the sky, dropping the towel. "Conway Twitty!"

The minister pauses, then says "Hello, darlin'."