Jokes

[Floorist]

A redneck felt sick and decided to go to the doctor. The doctor examined him.

"I can't seem to find the problem, but I think it has something to do with alcohol."

"Well," said the redneck, "then I'll come back when you're sober.'

 

[Nick]

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[Nick]

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[Nick]

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[Floorist]

A cowboy told his grandson the secret to a long life.

He said, "You gotta sprinkle a little gunpowder on your oatmeal, see. If you do, you'll live to a nice ripe old age."

So the cowboy did this religiously every day, and sure enough, lived to the nice ripe old age of 96.

When he died he left behind 4 children, 8 grandchildren, 15 great-grandchildren

...and a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium

 

[Nick]

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[Nick]

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[Nick]

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[Nick]

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[Nick]

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[zannej]

I should have screenshotted it, but a friend of mine posted on his Facebook wall about how crazy the weather here is. One day you can fry an egg on the sidewalk and the next day you can catch fish in the same spot.

 

[Nick]

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[Floorist]

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[Nick]

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[Nick]

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[Floorist]

You know you're in a redneck hotel when you phone the front office and say,

"I've got a leak in the sink."

And they say, "Go ahead!"

 

[Nick]

I don't call.

 

[Nick]

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[Floorist]

God visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking


































and sex if she wants to get into heaven.











The woman said she would try her best.
















God visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on.











"Not bad" said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking but






then I bent over to look in the freezer and my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs, he pulled up my skirt,






pulled down my panties, and made love to me right then and there."
















"They don't like that in heaven", said God.











The woman replied: "They're not too happy about it in Costco either !"

 

[zannej]

Short but true story. My sister's first boyfriend was not the brightest bulb. We were sitting at the table as he was having dinner with us and my father mentioned my sister's penchant for procrastination. He asked "What's that?" and my sister said "I'll tell you later." Everyone laughed but the boyfriend.

Another story with him-- this was around the time the Jurassic Park movie came out overseas. They were selling all sorts of mdse for the movie and my father had a spray bottle with the Dilophosaurus "spitter" dinosaur head on it. You could make the head bob and/or make it spray. My father walked up to my sister's boyfriend, pointed the Dilophosaurus at him and said "John, in the next three seconds your life depends on your knowledge of Paleobiology". John blinked and said "Paleo-- what?" So dad pointed the Dilophosaurus at his face and pulled the trigger. Dude didn't know what to do. He thought my dad was "cool" though.

Irish commentary on boat races in the Olympics (the f-bomb gets dropped a couple of times)