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Jokes
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- Start date
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A deacon is in the hospital and his good friend, a preacher, goes to visit him.
The preacher notices all the medical equipment attached to the deacon. He kneels by the bed.
The deacon motions to a pad and pen on the nightstand. The preacher hands his friend the pad and pen, and the deacon begins to write. Suddenly, the deacon dies.
At his funeral, the preacher delivers the service. He says, "I was with him when he died, and as a matter of fact, I have his last thought in my coat pocket here."
The preacher pulls out the paper and reads, "Please, get up. You're kneeling on my oxygen hose."
The preacher notices all the medical equipment attached to the deacon. He kneels by the bed.
The deacon motions to a pad and pen on the nightstand. The preacher hands his friend the pad and pen, and the deacon begins to write. Suddenly, the deacon dies.
At his funeral, the preacher delivers the service. He says, "I was with him when he died, and as a matter of fact, I have his last thought in my coat pocket here."
The preacher pulls out the paper and reads, "Please, get up. You're kneeling on my oxygen hose."
A dying man gives each of his best friends -- a lawyer, doctor and clergyman -- an envelope containing $25,000 in cash to be placed in his coffin.
A week later the man dies and the friends each place an envelope in the coffin. Several months later, the clergyman confesses that he only put $10,000 in the envelope and sent the rest to a mission in South America.
The doctor confesses that his envelope had only $8,000 because he donated to a medical charity.
The lawyer is outraged, "I am the only one who kept my promise to our dying friend. I want you both to know that the envelope I placed in the coffin contained my own personal check for the entire $25,000."
A week later the man dies and the friends each place an envelope in the coffin. Several months later, the clergyman confesses that he only put $10,000 in the envelope and sent the rest to a mission in South America.
The doctor confesses that his envelope had only $8,000 because he donated to a medical charity.
The lawyer is outraged, "I am the only one who kept my promise to our dying friend. I want you both to know that the envelope I placed in the coffin contained my own personal check for the entire $25,000."
Nick
In Remembrance
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A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck.
The lawyer turns around.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."
"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"
The lawyer turns around.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."
"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"
Elderly Banking..
Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to
a bank by an 82-year-old woman.
The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have
it published in the New York Times.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my
calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my
account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit,
has been in place for only eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of
penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging,pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and
thereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially
to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact which
I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows
about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the
mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button
presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further.
When you call me, press buttons as follows:
IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*)
BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
#1. To make an appointment to see me.
#2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
#4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a
later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7 again
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering
#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?
Your Humble Client
And remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.
Anne Mondelci
Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to
a bank by an 82-year-old woman.
The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have
it published in the New York Times.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my
calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my
account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit,
has been in place for only eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of
penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging,pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and
thereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially
to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact which
I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows
about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the
mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button
presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further.
When you call me, press buttons as follows:
IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*)
BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
#1. To make an appointment to see me.
#2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
#4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a
later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7 again
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering
#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?
Your Humble Client
And remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.
Anne Mondelci
Nick
In Remembrance
Good One !
Nick
In Remembrance
....
A friend of mine sent me this link to some Amazon reviews of Haribo sugar free Gummi Bears. Apparently there were some unpleasant side effects.
The top 1 star review on the right is absolutely hilarious, but a lot of these are funny.
Who knows, maybe some of you may find the product useful for revenge.
https://www.amazon.com/Haribo-Sugar...paging_btm_6?ie=UTF8&pageNumber=6&pageSize=10
The top 1 star review on the right is absolutely hilarious, but a lot of these are funny.
Who knows, maybe some of you may find the product useful for revenge.
https://www.amazon.com/Haribo-Sugar...paging_btm_6?ie=UTF8&pageNumber=6&pageSize=10
A friend of mine sent me this link to some Amazon reviews of Haribo sugar free Gummi Bears. Apparently there were some unpleasant side effects.
The top 1 star review on the right is absolutely hilarious, but a lot of these are funny.
Who knows, maybe some of you may find the product useful for revenge.
https://www.amazon.com/Haribo-Sugar...paging_btm_6?ie=UTF8&pageNumber=6&pageSize=10
That is funny
I really liked this quote...
" My husband took ONE after a bout of constipation and afterwards could s*&! through a screen door and not hit a wire. So I am sure for the average person these bears would cause mild trauma at minimum exposure.":sick:
Nick
In Remembrance
....
TEXT
MESSAGE
Hi Fred, This is Alan next door. I have a
confession to make.
I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and
have been trying to get the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling you in text as I can't live with myself a moment longer without you knowing.
The truth is I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you. I haven't been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse, I know. The temptation was just too much. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. It won't
happen again.
Please suggest a fee for usage, and I'll pay you.
Regards, Alan.
THE RESPONSE:
Fred, feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun, and
shot his neighbor dead. He returned home where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. He took out his phone where he saw he has a second message from his neighbor:
THE SECOND MESSAGE:
Hi Fred, This is Alan next door again. Sorry
about the typo on my last text.
I expect you figured it out anyway, and that you noticed
that darned Auto-Correct changed 'WiFi' to
'Wife.'
Technology, hey?
Regards, Alan.
MESSAGE
Hi Fred, This is Alan next door. I have a
confession to make.
I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and
have been trying to get the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling you in text as I can't live with myself a moment longer without you knowing.
The truth is I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you. I haven't been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse, I know. The temptation was just too much. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. It won't
happen again.
Please suggest a fee for usage, and I'll pay you.
Regards, Alan.
THE RESPONSE:
Fred, feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun, and
shot his neighbor dead. He returned home where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. He took out his phone where he saw he has a second message from his neighbor:
THE SECOND MESSAGE:
Hi Fred, This is Alan next door again. Sorry
about the typo on my last text.
I expect you figured it out anyway, and that you noticed
that darned Auto-Correct changed 'WiFi' to
'Wife.'
Technology, hey?
Regards, Alan.
After a long, tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, a woman sitting next to him pulled out her mobile phone.
She started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train". "Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting.
No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!" Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly. When the man sitting next to her had had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone, "Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
She no longer uses her cell phone in public.....
As the train rolled out of the station, a woman sitting next to him pulled out her mobile phone.
She started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train". "Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting.
No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!" Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly. When the man sitting next to her had had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone, "Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
She no longer uses her cell phone in public.....
Nick
In Remembrance
Years ago i was sitting on a news paper on the LIR in NY. Guy across the isle asked me if i was reading the paper . I said Yes . Stood up , turned the page, and sat back down on it .
Nick
In Remembrance
....
Nick
In Remembrance
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