Jokes

[Floorist]

A man who was having heart trouble went to the doctor to see what his options were. Naturally, the doctor recommended a heart transplant.
The man reluctantly agreed, and asked if there were any hearts immediately available, considering that money was no object.

"I do have three hearts," said the doctor. "The first is from an 18-year old kid, non-smoker, athletic, swimmer, with a great diet. He hit his head on the swimming pool and died. It's $100,000.

The second is from a marathon runner, 25 years old, great condition, very strong. He got hit by a bus. It's $150,000.
The third is from a heavy drinker, cigar smoker, steak lover. It's $500,000."

"Hey, why is that heart so expensive? He lived a terrible life!"

"Yes, but it's from a lawyer. It's never been used."

 

[Floorist]

Two workers from a landscape company showed up one morning at a job site, but realized that they forgot to bring shovels.

They called their boss: Hey patron, we forgot the shovels.

Boss: OK, let me bring some shovels to you, and in the meantime, you can lean on each other...

 

[Nick]

 

[Floorist]

A lonely 70-year-old widow decided that it was time to marry again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read: "Husband wanted! Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me and must still be good in bed. All applicants please apply in person."

The following day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the widow asked: "Just look at you -- you have no legs!"

The old gent smiled: "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"

"You don't have any arms either!" she snorted.

Again, the old man smiled: "Therefore, I can never beat you!"


She raised an eyebrow and asked intently: "Are you still good in bed?"

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said: "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

 

[Floorist]

A 55 year old man was working out in the gym when he spotted a beautiful 25 year old woman...

He asked the trainer standing nearby, "Say, what machine in here should I use to impress that sweet young lady over there?"

The trainer looked him up and down, laughed and said, "I would try the ATM in the lobby."

 

[Floorist]

AT THE ZOO

In the restroom they have a sign saying

NO SMOKING OR EATING

And I'm thinking " Yeah the Zoo don't smell bad enough, Let's go in the john and have a snack".

 

[Nick]

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[Nick]

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[Nick]

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[Nick]

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[Floorist]

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
'Mum', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied.

 

[Floorist]

Retired software engineer to his Doctor

" My memory is great! It's all still in there. I just can't access it! "

 

[Floorist]

Q: How did the butcher introduce his wife?

A: Meet Patty.

 

[DarisMulkin]

Only The Donald

After passing on, George Bush, Barack Obama and Donald Trump are going for a job interview with God.



God asks Bush: “What do you believe in”?



Bush replies: "I believe in a free economy, a strong America, The American nation and so on ..."



God is impressed by Bush and tells him: "Great , come sit in the chair on my right"



God goes to Obama and ask: "What do you believe in”?



Obama replies: “I believe in democracy, helping the poor, world peace, etc. .... ".



God is really impressed by Obama and tells him: 'Well done , come sit in the chair on my left"



Finally God asks Trump : “What do you believe in”?



Trump replied: "I believe you're sitting in my chair”.

Daris

 

[Nick]

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[Nick]

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[Floorist]

A family was having guests to dinner. At the table, the mother turned to her six-year-old daughter and says, "Dear, would you like to say the blessing?"

"I wouldn't know what to say," replies the little girl.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say, sweetie."


Her daughter takes a deep breath, bows her head, and solemnly says, "Dear Lord, why the hell did I invite all these people to dinner?"

 

[Floorist]

Satan appeared before a small town congregation.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.

Soon everyone was gone except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly.

Satan walked up to him and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"


The man replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

 

[Floorist]

The Canada Department of Employment believed a boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his help.

An agent was sent to the fishing village of Burin to investigate the boat owner.

GOVT AGENT:"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them".

Boat Owner:"Well, there's Clarence, my hired hand. He's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.

Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, and pays his own room and board.



I buy him a bottle of Lamb's rum and a dozen Labatt Lite every Saturday night so he can cope with life. Also, he gets to sleep with my wife occasionally".

GOVT AGENT: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one".



Boat Owner: "That'll be me. What'd you want to know?"

 

[Floorist]

I found an old coin in my attic today and took it to a coin expert to examine it!

He said ''This could be worth $50,000.00!''

After catching my breath I gasped ''Really?"'

He tossed it back to me and said ''Yeah, if you use it to scratch off a winning lottery ticket!"