Nick
In Remembrance
....
Jokes
- Thread starter Floorist
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A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
'Mum', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied.
'Mum', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied.
Retired software engineer to his Doctor
" My memory is great! It's all still in there. I just can't access it! "
" My memory is great! It's all still in there. I just can't access it! "
Q: How did the butcher introduce his wife?
A: Meet Patty.
A: Meet Patty.
Only The Donald
After passing on, George Bush, Barack Obama and Donald Trump are going for a job interview with God.
God asks Bush: What do you believe in?
Bush replies: "I believe in a free economy, a strong America, The American nation and so on ..."
God is impressed by Bush and tells him: "Great , come sit in the chair on my right"
God goes to Obama and ask: "What do you believe in?
Obama replies: I believe in democracy, helping the poor, world peace, etc. .... ".
God is really impressed by Obama and tells him: 'Well done , come sit in the chair on my left"
Finally God asks Trump : What do you believe in?
Trump replied: "I believe you're sitting in my chair.
Daris
After passing on, George Bush, Barack Obama and Donald Trump are going for a job interview with God.
God asks Bush: What do you believe in?
Bush replies: "I believe in a free economy, a strong America, The American nation and so on ..."
God is impressed by Bush and tells him: "Great , come sit in the chair on my right"
God goes to Obama and ask: "What do you believe in?
Obama replies: I believe in democracy, helping the poor, world peace, etc. .... ".
God is really impressed by Obama and tells him: 'Well done , come sit in the chair on my left"
Finally God asks Trump : What do you believe in?
Trump replied: "I believe you're sitting in my chair.
Daris
Nick
In Remembrance
....
Nick
In Remembrance
....
A family was having guests to dinner. At the table, the mother turned to her six-year-old daughter and says, "Dear, would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," replies the little girl.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say, sweetie."
Her daughter takes a deep breath, bows her head, and solemnly says, "Dear Lord, why the hell did I invite all these people to dinner?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," replies the little girl.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say, sweetie."
Her daughter takes a deep breath, bows her head, and solemnly says, "Dear Lord, why the hell did I invite all these people to dinner?"
Satan appeared before a small town congregation.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.
Soon everyone was gone except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly.
Satan walked up to him and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.
Soon everyone was gone except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly.
Satan walked up to him and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
The Canada Department of Employment believed a boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his help.
An agent was sent to the fishing village of Burin to investigate the boat owner.
GOVT AGENT:"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them".
Boat Owner:"Well, there's Clarence, my hired hand. He's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.
Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, and pays his own room and board.
I buy him a bottle of Lamb's rum and a dozen Labatt Lite every Saturday night so he can cope with life. Also, he gets to sleep with my wife occasionally".
GOVT AGENT: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one".
Boat Owner: "That'll be me. What'd you want to know?"
An agent was sent to the fishing village of Burin to investigate the boat owner.
GOVT AGENT:"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them".
Boat Owner:"Well, there's Clarence, my hired hand. He's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.
Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, and pays his own room and board.
I buy him a bottle of Lamb's rum and a dozen Labatt Lite every Saturday night so he can cope with life. Also, he gets to sleep with my wife occasionally".
GOVT AGENT: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one".
Boat Owner: "That'll be me. What'd you want to know?"
I found an old coin in my attic today and took it to a coin expert to examine it!
He said ''This could be worth $50,000.00!''
After catching my breath I gasped ''Really?"'
He tossed it back to me and said ''Yeah, if you use it to scratch off a winning lottery ticket!"
He said ''This could be worth $50,000.00!''
After catching my breath I gasped ''Really?"'
He tossed it back to me and said ''Yeah, if you use it to scratch off a winning lottery ticket!"
Nick
In Remembrance
....
One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual
Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which
could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift.
"How do I get him to sing?" , the young man asked, excitedly.
"Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet" , was the shop owner's reply.
The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot. Chet began to
sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..." The shop owner then held another match under
the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with:
" Silent Night, Holy Night..."
The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as
quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was
overwhelmed.
"How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?"
"No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you."
So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the
shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!..." The man
then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came: "Silent Night, Holy night..."
The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between
his legs?"
The man did not know. "Let's try it," he answered, eager to please his wife. So they
held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little
parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life:
" CHETS nuts roasting on an ................
Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which
could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift.
"How do I get him to sing?" , the young man asked, excitedly.
"Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet" , was the shop owner's reply.
The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot. Chet began to
sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..." The shop owner then held another match under
the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with:
" Silent Night, Holy Night..."
The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as
quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was
overwhelmed.
"How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?"
"No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you."
So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the
shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!..." The man
then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came: "Silent Night, Holy night..."
The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between
his legs?"
The man did not know. "Let's try it," he answered, eager to please his wife. So they
held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little
parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life:
" CHETS nuts roasting on an ................
A young priest is unhappy with how little money his congregation contributes every week to the collection plate.
So he decides to try a new tack and hypnotize them, using Father Matthews' priceless pocket watch.
Thus hypnotized, they all give the five bucks he asked them to.
Pumped by his success, he ups the amount to $10 the next week.
Amazingly, everybody gives ten bucks each.
The week after that, he decides to up it to twenty bucks, but just as he's about to announce the amount, he drops the watch.
He yells CRAP!
It took the workers two weeks to clean up the church.
So he decides to try a new tack and hypnotize them, using Father Matthews' priceless pocket watch.
Thus hypnotized, they all give the five bucks he asked them to.
Pumped by his success, he ups the amount to $10 the next week.
Amazingly, everybody gives ten bucks each.
The week after that, he decides to up it to twenty bucks, but just as he's about to announce the amount, he drops the watch.
He yells CRAP!
It took the workers two weeks to clean up the church.
n Catholic schools students are taught that lying is a sin. Instructors are also advised that using a bit of imagination is OK to express the truth differently without lying.
This is a perfect example of this teaching:
-Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs.....
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest
beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'
'Of course child. What can I do for you?'
'I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Could you possibly hide it under your robes for me?'
'I would love to help you my dear but, I must warn you, I will not
tell a lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, I'm sure that no one will question
you.'
When they got to customs, she let the priest go first.
The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to
declare.'
The official thought this answer a little strange, so he asked,
'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument that has been designed for use on
women, but which, to date, remains unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father.
'Next please!
This is a perfect example of this teaching:
-Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs.....
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest
beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'
'Of course child. What can I do for you?'
'I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Could you possibly hide it under your robes for me?'
'I would love to help you my dear but, I must warn you, I will not
tell a lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, I'm sure that no one will question
you.'
When they got to customs, she let the priest go first.
The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to
declare.'
The official thought this answer a little strange, so he asked,
'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument that has been designed for use on
women, but which, to date, remains unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father.
'Next please!
Nick
In Remembrance
A little rough & disrespectful but funny anyway..........
When I turned 70....I thought my life was over but then I
discovered how great it is to be 70
I was standing at the bar one night minding my own business.
This FAT ugly chick came up behind
me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kinda cute. You gotta phone
number?"
I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"
She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".
I said, "You better get back in it
before the farmer misses you."
Cost me 6 stitches...but,
When youre seventy...............who
cares?
**********
I went to the drug store and told the
clerk "Give me 3 packets of condoms,
please."
Lady Clerk: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?
I said "Nah...She's purty good lookin'....."
When youre seventy...............who
cares?
***********
I was talking to a young woman
in the bar last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut,
you'd look all right.
I said, If I did that, I'd be talking to
your friends over there instead of
you.
Cost me a fat lip, but...
When youre seventy...............who
cares?
**********
I was telling a woman in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
Cost me a kick in the nuts, but...
When youre seventy...............who
cares?
***********
I got caught taking a pee in the
swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I
nearly fell in.
When youre seventy...............who
cares?
***********
I went to the bar last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.
I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely!
Most tables would have collapsed by
now."
Cost me 6 more stitches, but...
When youre seventy...............who
cares? ??
Happy New Years!
When I turned 70....I thought my life was over but then I
discovered how great it is to be 70
I was standing at the bar one night minding my own business.
This FAT ugly chick came up behind
me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kinda cute. You gotta phone
number?"
I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"
She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".
I said, "You better get back in it
before the farmer misses you."
Cost me 6 stitches...but,
When youre seventy...............who
cares?
**********
I went to the drug store and told the
clerk "Give me 3 packets of condoms,
please."
Lady Clerk: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?
I said "Nah...She's purty good lookin'....."
When youre seventy...............who
cares?
***********
I was talking to a young woman
in the bar last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut,
you'd look all right.
I said, If I did that, I'd be talking to
your friends over there instead of
you.
Cost me a fat lip, but...
When youre seventy...............who
cares?
**********
I was telling a woman in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
Cost me a kick in the nuts, but...
When youre seventy...............who
cares?
***********
I got caught taking a pee in the
swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I
nearly fell in.
When youre seventy...............who
cares?
***********
I went to the bar last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.
I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely!
Most tables would have collapsed by
now."
Cost me 6 more stitches, but...
When youre seventy...............who
cares? ??
Happy New Years!
A well-known psychologist is 
selling a video that teaches you how to test your dogs IQ. Heres how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog 
is smarter than you.
Nick
In Remembrance
....
A private jet arrives at Heathrow international airport and Donald Trump strides to a waiting limousine which drives him to a warm and dignified reception with the Queen.
From there, they are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses.
They continue on towards Buckingham Palace waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.
Suddenly, the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth-shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The fart shakes the coach, the smell is atrocious! Both passengers in the carriage must use perfume-dipped handkerchiefs over their nose, but the two do their best to ignore the incident.
The Queen turns to Trump saying, "Mr. Trump, please accept my regrets. I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."
Trump, with his usual diplomatic aplomb, replied, "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought. Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."
Daris
From there, they are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses.
They continue on towards Buckingham Palace waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.
Suddenly, the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth-shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The fart shakes the coach, the smell is atrocious! Both passengers in the carriage must use perfume-dipped handkerchiefs over their nose, but the two do their best to ignore the incident.
The Queen turns to Trump saying, "Mr. Trump, please accept my regrets. I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."
Trump, with his usual diplomatic aplomb, replied, "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought. Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."
Daris
Nick
In Remembrance
....
