Nick
In Remembrance
....
Jokes
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One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual
Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which
could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift.
"How do I get him to sing?" , the young man asked, excitedly.
"Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet" , was the shop owner's reply.
The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot. Chet began to
sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..." The shop owner then held another match under
the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with:
" Silent Night, Holy Night..."
The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as
quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was
overwhelmed.
"How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?"
"No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you."
So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the
shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!..." The man
then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came: "Silent Night, Holy night..."
The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between
his legs?"
The man did not know. "Let's try it," he answered, eager to please his wife. So they
held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little
parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life:
" CHETS nuts roasting on an ................
Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which
could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift.
"How do I get him to sing?" , the young man asked, excitedly.
"Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet" , was the shop owner's reply.
The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot. Chet began to
sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..." The shop owner then held another match under
the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with:
" Silent Night, Holy Night..."
The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as
quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was
overwhelmed.
"How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?"
"No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you."
So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the
shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!..." The man
then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came: "Silent Night, Holy night..."
The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between
his legs?"
The man did not know. "Let's try it," he answered, eager to please his wife. So they
held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little
parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life:
" CHETS nuts roasting on an ................
A young priest is unhappy with how little money his congregation contributes every week to the collection plate.
So he decides to try a new tack and hypnotize them, using Father Matthews' priceless pocket watch.
Thus hypnotized, they all give the five bucks he asked them to.
Pumped by his success, he ups the amount to $10 the next week.
Amazingly, everybody gives ten bucks each.
The week after that, he decides to up it to twenty bucks, but just as he's about to announce the amount, he drops the watch.
He yells CRAP!
It took the workers two weeks to clean up the church.
So he decides to try a new tack and hypnotize them, using Father Matthews' priceless pocket watch.
Thus hypnotized, they all give the five bucks he asked them to.
Pumped by his success, he ups the amount to $10 the next week.
Amazingly, everybody gives ten bucks each.
The week after that, he decides to up it to twenty bucks, but just as he's about to announce the amount, he drops the watch.
He yells CRAP!
It took the workers two weeks to clean up the church.
n Catholic schools students are taught that lying is a sin. Instructors are also advised that using a bit of imagination is OK to express the truth differently without lying.
This is a perfect example of this teaching:
-Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs.....
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest
beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'
'Of course child. What can I do for you?'
'I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Could you possibly hide it under your robes for me?'
'I would love to help you my dear but, I must warn you, I will not
tell a lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, I'm sure that no one will question
you.'
When they got to customs, she let the priest go first.
The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to
declare.'
The official thought this answer a little strange, so he asked,
'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument that has been designed for use on
women, but which, to date, remains unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father.
'Next please!
This is a perfect example of this teaching:
-Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs.....
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest
beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'
'Of course child. What can I do for you?'
'I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Could you possibly hide it under your robes for me?'
'I would love to help you my dear but, I must warn you, I will not
tell a lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, I'm sure that no one will question
you.'
When they got to customs, she let the priest go first.
The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to
declare.'
The official thought this answer a little strange, so he asked,
'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument that has been designed for use on
women, but which, to date, remains unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father.
'Next please!
Nick
In Remembrance
A little rough & disrespectful but funny anyway..........
When I turned 70....I thought my life was over but then I
discovered how great it is to be 70
I was standing at the bar one night minding my own business.
This FAT ugly chick came up behind
me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kinda cute. You gotta phone
number?"
I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"
She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".
I said, "You better get back in it
before the farmer misses you."
Cost me 6 stitches...but,
When youre seventy...............who
cares?
**********
I went to the drug store and told the
clerk "Give me 3 packets of condoms,
please."
Lady Clerk: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?
I said "Nah...She's purty good lookin'....."
When youre seventy...............who
cares?
***********
I was talking to a young woman
in the bar last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut,
you'd look all right.
I said, If I did that, I'd be talking to
your friends over there instead of
you.
Cost me a fat lip, but...
When youre seventy...............who
cares?
**********
I was telling a woman in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
Cost me a kick in the nuts, but...
When youre seventy...............who
cares?
***********
I got caught taking a pee in the
swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I
nearly fell in.
When youre seventy...............who
cares?
***********
I went to the bar last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.
I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely!
Most tables would have collapsed by
now."
Cost me 6 more stitches, but...
When youre seventy...............who
cares? ??
Happy New Years!
When I turned 70....I thought my life was over but then I
discovered how great it is to be 70
I was standing at the bar one night minding my own business.
This FAT ugly chick came up behind
me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kinda cute. You gotta phone
number?"
I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"
She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".
I said, "You better get back in it
before the farmer misses you."
Cost me 6 stitches...but,
When youre seventy...............who
cares?
**********
I went to the drug store and told the
clerk "Give me 3 packets of condoms,
please."
Lady Clerk: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?
I said "Nah...She's purty good lookin'....."
When youre seventy...............who
cares?
***********
I was talking to a young woman
in the bar last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut,
you'd look all right.
I said, If I did that, I'd be talking to
your friends over there instead of
you.
Cost me a fat lip, but...
When youre seventy...............who
cares?
**********
I was telling a woman in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
Cost me a kick in the nuts, but...
When youre seventy...............who
cares?
***********
I got caught taking a pee in the
swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I
nearly fell in.
When youre seventy...............who
cares?
***********
I went to the bar last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.
I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely!
Most tables would have collapsed by
now."
Cost me 6 more stitches, but...
When youre seventy...............who
cares? ??
Happy New Years!
A well-known psychologist is 
selling a video that teaches you how to test your dogs IQ. Heres how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog 
is smarter than you.
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Nick
In Remembrance
....
A private jet arrives at Heathrow international airport and Donald Trump strides to a waiting limousine which drives him to a warm and dignified reception with the Queen.
From there, they are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses.
They continue on towards Buckingham Palace waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.
Suddenly, the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth-shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The fart shakes the coach, the smell is atrocious! Both passengers in the carriage must use perfume-dipped handkerchiefs over their nose, but the two do their best to ignore the incident.
The Queen turns to Trump saying, "Mr. Trump, please accept my regrets. I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."
Trump, with his usual diplomatic aplomb, replied, "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought. Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."
Daris
From there, they are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses.
They continue on towards Buckingham Palace waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.
Suddenly, the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth-shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The fart shakes the coach, the smell is atrocious! Both passengers in the carriage must use perfume-dipped handkerchiefs over their nose, but the two do their best to ignore the incident.
The Queen turns to Trump saying, "Mr. Trump, please accept my regrets. I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."
Trump, with his usual diplomatic aplomb, replied, "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought. Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."
Daris
Nick
In Remembrance
....
Nick
In Remembrance
....
Nick
In Remembrance
....
Nick
In Remembrance
Remind you of anyone ? 
Needs knee pads and a kicker
The other day, my little boy talked back to my wife.
She told him to do something;
he said, 'No, I don't want to.'
So, I had to pull him aside and say, ' you gotta teach me how to do that.'
She told him to do something;
he said, 'No, I don't want to.'
So, I had to pull him aside and say, ' you gotta teach me how to do that.'
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.
If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born..
To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey, she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written:
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without. Send Extra sauce
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.
If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born..
To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey, she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written:
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without. Send Extra sauce
Nick
In Remembrance
....
Nick
In Remembrance
....
Opening @ the CIA
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the
circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!"
The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife".
The agent said, "Then you are not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes.
The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping sweat from her brow.
"The gun was loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to kill him with the chair".
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the
circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!"
The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife".
The agent said, "Then you are not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes.
The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping sweat from her brow.
"The gun was loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to kill him with the chair".
A blonde, brunette and redhead woman decided to compete in the Breast Stroke division of the English Channel swim competition.
The brunette came in first, the redhead second, then the blonde finally reached the shore completely exhausted.
After being revived with blankets and a drink, she remarked,
"I don't want to complain, but I'm pretty sure those other two girls used their arms."
The brunette came in first, the redhead second, then the blonde finally reached the shore completely exhausted.
After being revived with blankets and a drink, she remarked,
"I don't want to complain, but I'm pretty sure those other two girls used their arms."
Nick
In Remembrance
....
