Jokes

[havasu]

Nick's conversation with his doctor...


During his physical, the doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level.

He described a typical day: “Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, and took four leaks behind big trees.”

Inspired by the story, the doctor said, “You sound like one heck of an outdoors man!”

”NAH, he replied, I'm just a ****** golfer.”

 

[Floorist]

.....

 

[Nick]

Nick's conversation with his doctor...


During his physical, the doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level.

He described a typical day: “Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, and took four leaks behind big trees.”

Inspired by the story, the doctor said, “You sound like one heck of an outdoors man!”

”NAH, he replied, I'm just a ****** golfer.”

I played courses like that. Hit a ball about a inch from the nose of a 12' Gator one time .

 

[DarisMulkin]

I played courses like that. Hit a ball about a inch from the nose of a 12' Gator one time .

Did he play fetch with it?

Daris

 

[Nick]

I had my eye on him the hole time i was on the green. he didn't move .

 

[Floorist]

Did you go get your ball?

 

[Nick]

I let him have it .

 

[Nick]

I let him have it . I'm a fool , But not a damn fool.

 

[Nick]

....

 

[DarisMulkin]

Why don't blind people skydive?

Because it scares the crap out of their dogs.

Daris

 

[Nick]

....

 

[zannej]

....

rotfl!

 

[Nick]

....

 

[Floorist]

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?".
The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 50 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
"Yes I do" she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father, the judge, caught us in the barn making love?"
"Yes, I remember" says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 50 years?"
"I remember that too" she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today".

 

[Floorist]

In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:

"Before you signed the death certificate, did you take the pulse, listen to the heart or check for breathing?"

"No."

"So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?"

"Well, the man's brain was in a jar on my desk, but I suppose he could have still been practicing law for a living."

 

[zannej]

In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:

"Before you signed the death certificate, did you take the pulse, listen to the heart or check for breathing?"

"No."

"So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?"

"Well, the man's brain was in a jar on my desk, but I suppose he could have still been practicing law for a living."

LOL! I remember that one from actual court transcripts. Medical examiner was pretty fed up with the lawyer.

 

[havasu]

There was a similar joke where a lawyer questioned why the cops had locks on their lockers. The comeback was when the cop explained that the locker room was an area where lawyers had access to.

 

[Nick]

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[Nick]

....

 

[Floorist]

Q: What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?

A: One's a slimy scum-sucking bottom-dwelling scavenger;
the other is a fish.