When I was a kid, I had a ringneck snake that I took to school in my shirt pocket. Never got caught.
Jokes
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Nick
In Remembrance
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Nick
In Remembrance
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Q: How many US Attorney Generals does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: I cannot recall that particular answer at this time.
A: I cannot recall that particular answer at this time.
Nick
In Remembrance
....
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Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.
Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the old Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'.
It comes in pink...
and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on -
even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.
Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month,
and can be a real bitch to start in the morning!
Some have reported that on cold winter mornings you can't get it to turn over.
New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and very expensive to get rid of.
Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age.
Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases year after year.
This model is not expected to reach collector status.
Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it each year.
Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the old Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'.
It comes in pink...
and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on -
even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.
Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month,
and can be a real bitch to start in the morning!
Some have reported that on cold winter mornings you can't get it to turn over.
New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and very expensive to get rid of.
Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age.
Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases year after year.
This model is not expected to reach collector status.
Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it each year.
A Soldier and a Nun
A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, Please, may I hide under your skirt. Ill explain later.
The nun agreed A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier? The nun replied, He went that way.
After the MP's ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, I cant thank you enough, sister. You see, I dont want to go to Syria.
The nun said, I understand completely.
The soldier added, I hope Im not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!
The nun replied, If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen another great pair. I dont want to go to Syria either.
A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, Please, may I hide under your skirt. Ill explain later.
The nun agreed A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier? The nun replied, He went that way.
After the MP's ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, I cant thank you enough, sister. You see, I dont want to go to Syria.
The nun said, I understand completely.
The soldier added, I hope Im not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!
The nun replied, If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen another great pair. I dont want to go to Syria either.
A balding white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past
Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.
At that statement the jeweler went to his special stock and brought
another ring over. Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said.
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated,
By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now
and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds, I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said
Sir...There's no money in that account.
I know, said the old man...But let me tell you about my weekend.
Not All Seniors Are Senile...
Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.
At that statement the jeweler went to his special stock and brought
another ring over. Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said.
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated,
By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now
and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds, I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said
Sir...There's no money in that account.
I know, said the old man...But let me tell you about my weekend.
Not All Seniors Are Senile...
Nick
In Remembrance
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Nick
In Remembrance
This is something that happened at an assisted living center.
The people who lived there have small apartments but they all eat at a central cafeteria. One morning one of the residents didn't show up for breakfast so my wife went upstairs and knocked on his door to see if everything was OK. She could hear him through the door and he said that he was running late and would be down shortly so she went back to the dining area.
An hour later he still hadn't arrived so she went back up towards his room and she found him on the stairs. He was coming down the stairs but was having a hell of time. He had a death grip on the hand rail and seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right. She told him she was going to call an ambulance but he told her no, he just wanted his breakfast. So she helped him the rest of the way down the stairs and he had his breakfast. When he tried to return to his room he was completely unable to get up even the first step so they called an ambulance for him.
A couple hours later she called the hospital to see how he was doing. The receptionist there said he was fine, he just had both of his legs in one leg of his boxer shorts.
I am sending this to my children so that they don't sell the house before they know the facts.
The people who lived there have small apartments but they all eat at a central cafeteria. One morning one of the residents didn't show up for breakfast so my wife went upstairs and knocked on his door to see if everything was OK. She could hear him through the door and he said that he was running late and would be down shortly so she went back to the dining area.
An hour later he still hadn't arrived so she went back up towards his room and she found him on the stairs. He was coming down the stairs but was having a hell of time. He had a death grip on the hand rail and seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right. She told him she was going to call an ambulance but he told her no, he just wanted his breakfast. So she helped him the rest of the way down the stairs and he had his breakfast. When he tried to return to his room he was completely unable to get up even the first step so they called an ambulance for him.
A couple hours later she called the hospital to see how he was doing. The receptionist there said he was fine, he just had both of his legs in one leg of his boxer shorts.
I am sending this to my children so that they don't sell the house before they know the facts.
The Admiral was visiting one of his ships.
When having tea he noticed that every biscuit has the ships insignia embossed on it. He is impressed and calls the cook to ask him how he does this.
Cook: When rolling the biscuits I slap each one onto my belt buckle before putting them in the oven.
Admiral: Thats pretty unhygienic
Cook: In that case Sir, Id suggest you skip the doughnuts. :sick:
When having tea he noticed that every biscuit has the ships insignia embossed on it. He is impressed and calls the cook to ask him how he does this.
Cook: When rolling the biscuits I slap each one onto my belt buckle before putting them in the oven.
Admiral: Thats pretty unhygienic
Cook: In that case Sir, Id suggest you skip the doughnuts. :sick:
ROTFL!
True story: when my paternal grandfather was in the merchant marines (or something along those lines) back in the 20s, he was on a ship and they would serve meatballs often. The meatballs were always salty and one day my grandfather went to the kitchen for some reason and saw the cook rolling the meatballs on his big sweaty stomach.
Nick
In Remembrance
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Nick
In Remembrance
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Nick
In Remembrance
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Nick
In Remembrance
I'll take her word for it . 
Damn nasty......
