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If you are ever attacked by a mob of clowns.
Make sure you go for the juggler!

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
I think I've forgotten this before.

I Just asked Siri, “Surely it's not going to rain today.”
She said, “It is, and don’t call me Shirley”
It seems that I forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode.

An executive was interviewing a young blonde woman for a position in his company. He wanted to learn something about her personality, so he asked,
"If you could have a conversation with anyone, living or dead, who would it be?" She quickly responded, "The living one."
 
I solved the problem of too many visiting relatives.
I borrowed money from the rich ones and loaned it to the poor ones.
Now none of them come back.

How the diet going?"
"Not good, I had eggs for breakfast."
"Scrambled?"
"No, Cadbury."

Paddy and Mick are walking down the road and Paddy has a bag of doughnuts in his hand.
Paddy says to Mick: "If you can guess how many doughnuts are in my bag, you can have them both."
 
What do you call someone who doesn't fart in public?
A private tutor.

Never ask a podiatrist about conversions to metric,
they only know feet.

A sign posted in a Dentist's office said:
"Please be nice to our dentists.
They have fillings too."

I do 5 sit-ups every morning! That may not sound like much to you,
but that is as many times as my snooze alarm will work.
 
Earlier today I was talking about how my cat likes to hit the space bar and someone commented "As an alcoholic astronaut, I can sympathize". LOL!
 
60% of the people in the world are stupid. I'm with the other 30%.

My husband wanted one of those big screen tv's. I moved his chair closer to the one we already have - it looks much bigger.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember, the fire department usually uses water.
 
An engineer was left without a job for a long period. He tried to find himself a job, however he had no luck. So, he opened a medical clinic and placed a sign in front of it: “Get a treatment for $500, if you’re not treated well we give you $1000”

A doctor saw the sign in front of the clinic, so he thought it was an easy $1000 for him. He entered the clinic and told the engineer, “I don’t have any taste in my mouth.” So, the engineer had the nurse bring the doctor some medicine. It was stored in box 22 and she put 3 drops of it in the doctor’s mouth. He was shocked, “This is Gasoline!”

The engineer happily said, “Very well! You have your taste back. $500 please.”

The doctor gave the engineer his money, and he was very angry so decided to come back a few days later. This time, he said: “I don’t remember anything, I’ve lost my memory!” So, the engineer told the nurse to bring the medicine from box 22 again and put it in the doctor’s mouth.

The doctor said, “That’s gasoline, I’m not taking it!” So the engineer was happy again and said, “Congratulations! You have your memory back. $500 please.”

The doctor gave $500 again and angrily he went home, only to be back a few days later. This time, he said: “My vision is really weak, I don’t see anything.” So, the engineer replied, “Well I don’t have medicine for that…Here’s your $1000.” The doctor look at the money and said, “But this is $500, not $1000!” So, the engineer replied: “Very well, your vision is back! $500 please.”
 
I remember a time when my wife felt left out because I had an iphone, one kid had an ipod, another had an ipad, so i got her an iron... didnt go over like i would have hoped..
 

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