Jokes

[Nick]

Never argue with a woman. They can remember stuff that hasn't even happened yet.

Arguing with a woman is like reading a Software License agreement. In the end you have to ignore everything and click "I Agree".

Behind every woman stands a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.

Every time you talk with your wife, your mind should remember 'This conversation will be recorded for quality and training purposes'.

Some things are better left unsaid, but you realize that after you say them.

Don't try to understand women. Women understand women and they can still hate each other.

If a woman says "First of all..." during an argument, run away because she has prepared research, data and charts, and you will be destroyed.

A wise man once said nothing.

 

[havasu]

Boy, ain't these the truth!

 

[zannej]

Never argue with a woman. They can remember stuff that hasn't even happened yet.

Arguing with a woman is like reading a Software License agreement. In the end you have to ignore everything and click "I Agree".

Behind every woman stands a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.

Every time you talk with your wife, your mind should remember 'This conversation will be recorded for quality and training purposes'.

Some things are better left unsaid, but you realize that after you say them.

Don't try to understand women. Women understand women and they can still hate each other.

If a woman says "First of all..." during an argument, run away because she has prepared research, data and charts, and you will be destroyed.

A wise man once said nothing.

I don't understand women. I really don't get all of the passive aggressiveness and inability to communicate. I mean, women use about twice the amount of words as men per day, yet still don't say what they mean or want directly. You are supposed to read their minds and figure out that they want you to do something for them or go somewhere or get them something. (My mother literally used to jingle her keys when we were about to pass the mailbox back in Guam rather than tell us to stop at the mailbox-- then she would become enraged. We pointed out that we never noticed the keys sound because she sometimes was getting out her house keys-- then she said that the keys made different sounds-- so she jingled each set separately and they sounded exactly the same to everyone else but her). LOL.

This is why most of my friends are male. The only female friends I have are ones who have learned how to communicate and not pull any of that stuff.

Ever have your wife/gf/female friend make a passing comment about being hungry or thirsty or something and then get all cranky and claim "I asked you to get me something to drink!" ?? LOL.

 

[Floorist]

My wife will ask, where do you want to go eat? And I say, you pick and she gets mad. We have been together 34 years and it never changes. If I pick a place she complains about going there. I can't win.

 

[havasu]

I get this as well. Seems to always end with "how come you never want to go where I want to go!"

 

[Floorist]

It's nice Mon. thru Thurs. She has an out-of-town class at 8 am. So I head to the truck stop for breakfast.

 

[Floorist]

Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?


A: Wings.

 

[Floorist]

Q: Why does the bar association prohibit lawyers and clients from having relations?

A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

 

[Floorist]

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50?


A: Your honor.

 

[Floorist]

Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life.

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime vacation.
I'll tell you what - never again.

 

[Floorist]

Guy loves to taunt his coworker about his rapidly receding hairline. He runs a hand over coworker's bald head and says, 'Feels just like my wife's a--.'
Bald coworker runs a hand over his own head and says, 'My God, so it does'"

 

[Nick]

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[zannej]

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Is that Fry Guy wannabe doing the King Tut dance pose (from the music video Steve Martin did with the King Tut song)?

 

[Nick]

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[Nick]

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[Nick]

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[Floorist]

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a firefighter’s helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. ‘That sure is a nice fire truck, ‘ the firefighter said with admiration. ‘Thanks, ‘ the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog’s collar and to the cat’s testicles. ‘Little partner, ‘ the firefighter said, ‘I don’t want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat’s collar, I think you could go faster.’ The little girl replied thoughtfully, ‘You’re probably right, but then I wouldn’t have a siren.’

 

[Nick]

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[Nick]

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[Nick]

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
Phyllis Diller