The empty bags would be too much for me.
Jokes
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Nick
In Remembrance
I found that out yesterday . Hurting today .
Nick
In Remembrance
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Nick
In Remembrance
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Nick
In Remembrance
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There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've heard colleagues referring to people with Guts, or with Balls. Do they, however, know the difference between them?
Here's the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal: Volume 323; page 295.
GUTS - Is arriving home late, after a night out with the lads, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere? "
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: "You're next, Chubby"
I trust this clears up any confusion.
Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome; both are fatal.
Here's the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal: Volume 323; page 295.
GUTS - Is arriving home late, after a night out with the lads, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere? "
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: "You're next, Chubby"
I trust this clears up any confusion.
Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome; both are fatal.
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Nick
In Remembrance
Nick
In Remembrance
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Jerry
Nick
In Remembrance
Ray and Bob, two Government maintenance guys, were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole", said Bob, "But we don't have a ladder."
The woman said, "Hand me that wrench out of your toolbox."
She loosened a few bolts, then laid the pole down. She then took a tape measure from their toolbox, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches" and walked away.
Ray shook his head and laughed. "Well, ain't that just like a 'Miss-know-it-all' woman?" he said. "We need the height and she gives us the length!"
Ray and Bob are still working for the Government.
"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole", said Bob, "But we don't have a ladder."
The woman said, "Hand me that wrench out of your toolbox."
She loosened a few bolts, then laid the pole down. She then took a tape measure from their toolbox, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches" and walked away.
Ray shook his head and laughed. "Well, ain't that just like a 'Miss-know-it-all' woman?" he said. "We need the height and she gives us the length!"
Ray and Bob are still working for the Government.
Nick
In Remembrance
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Squirrels had overrun three churches in town.
After much prayer, the elders of the first church determined that the animals were predestined to be there. Who were they to interfere with Gods will? they reasoned. Soon, the squirrels multiplied.
The elders of the second church, deciding they could not harm any of Gods creatures, humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
It was only the third church that succeeded in keeping the pests away.
The elders baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church.
Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
After much prayer, the elders of the first church determined that the animals were predestined to be there. Who were they to interfere with Gods will? they reasoned. Soon, the squirrels multiplied.
The elders of the second church, deciding they could not harm any of Gods creatures, humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
It was only the third church that succeeded in keeping the pests away.
The elders baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church.
Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
Nick
In Remembrance
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Nick
In Remembrance
A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!"
The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers Big Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs......
"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"
The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers Big Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs......
"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"
Nick
In Remembrance
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Nick
In Remembrance
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A JOB FOR ME
A retired man went into the Job Center in Woodbury, and saw a card advertising for a
Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details. The clerk
pulled up the file and read; "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist.
You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash
their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently do the shave. Then rub in
soothing oils so they are ready for the gynecologists examination. The annual salary is
$75,000, and you'll have to go to Billings, Montana.
Good grief . . . Is that where the job is?"
"No sir... that's where the end of the line is right now."
A retired man went into the Job Center in Woodbury, and saw a card advertising for a
Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details. The clerk
pulled up the file and read; "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist.
You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash
their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently do the shave. Then rub in
soothing oils so they are ready for the gynecologists examination. The annual salary is
$75,000, and you'll have to go to Billings, Montana.
Good grief . . . Is that where the job is?"
"No sir... that's where the end of the line is right now."
Nick
In Remembrance
An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats at a concert.
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man,
"Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The old man didn't budge.
The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm
going to have to call the manager."
Once again, the old man just muttered and did nothing.
The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned
with the manager.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old disheveled man,
but with no success.
Finally they summoned the police. The officer surveyed the situation
briefly then asked, "All right buddy what's your name?"
Fred," the old man moaned.
"Where you from, Fred?" asked the police officer.
With a terrible strain in his voice, and without moving,
Fred replied; "The balcony".......
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man,
"Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The old man didn't budge.
The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm
going to have to call the manager."
Once again, the old man just muttered and did nothing.
The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned
with the manager.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old disheveled man,
but with no success.
Finally they summoned the police. The officer surveyed the situation
briefly then asked, "All right buddy what's your name?"
Fred," the old man moaned.
"Where you from, Fred?" asked the police officer.
With a terrible strain in his voice, and without moving,
Fred replied; "The balcony".......
In Guam, the native people are called Chamorros. Some of them have a reputation for being a bit slow-- these ones get called "Chamorons". The ones that aren't slow like to tell this joke:
A Chamoron was hired to paint fresh lines on Marine Drive after it got sandblasted off by a typhoon. The first day he did really well and painted a long distance. The second day he only painted about half, and the third day he painted half of that. The supervisor was confused so he called him over and asked him why he was doing less work each day. The Chamoron answered "The paint bucket keeps getting farther away".
A Chamoron was hired to paint fresh lines on Marine Drive after it got sandblasted off by a typhoon. The first day he did really well and painted a long distance. The second day he only painted about half, and the third day he painted half of that. The supervisor was confused so he called him over and asked him why he was doing less work each day. The Chamoron answered "The paint bucket keeps getting farther away".
Wee Hughie adored and loved his girlfriend, Lorraine, to whom he was engaged to be married. Wedding plans were well underway and he was looking forward to spending the rest of his life with Lorraine.
However, a beautiful young lady, named Clearly, came to work in his glen and they found that they got on together very well. As time went by, Wee Hughie realized that he was in love with Clearly and that the love was reciprocated.
Being a gentleman, he decided that as he had promised to marry Lorraine, he would do so and steadily removed himself from his other relationship.
One day, he and Lorraine were walking along the banks of the River Tay. As they walked, Lorraine slipped and fell into the river and was swept away and drowned.
He stood on the bank for a few minutes feeling very sad before walking away singing happily.
And this is what he sang.....
"I can see Clearly now Lorraine is gone."
However, a beautiful young lady, named Clearly, came to work in his glen and they found that they got on together very well. As time went by, Wee Hughie realized that he was in love with Clearly and that the love was reciprocated.
Being a gentleman, he decided that as he had promised to marry Lorraine, he would do so and steadily removed himself from his other relationship.
One day, he and Lorraine were walking along the banks of the River Tay. As they walked, Lorraine slipped and fell into the river and was swept away and drowned.
He stood on the bank for a few minutes feeling very sad before walking away singing happily.
And this is what he sang.....
"I can see Clearly now Lorraine is gone."
