Jokes

[Nick]

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[Floorist]

Little Johnny was in class and the teacher announced that they were going to try something different to help everyone get to know each other a little better, and to help with their spelling.
She explained, "I want you to stand up and give us the occupation of your father, spell it, and say one thing he would give us all if he was here today."
The first student raised her hand to volunteer.
"Marcy," the teacher said. "You may go first."
Marcy replied, "My father is a banker. B-A-N-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a shiny new penny."
The teacher said, "Very nice, Marcy, who wants to go next?"
Kevin stood up and announced, "My father is a baker. B-A-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a freshly-baked cookie."
"Very good," the teacher told Kevin.
Jeff was next, and he said, "My father is an accountant. A-K, no wait, A-C-K, no..."
Before he could attempt to spell it once more, the teacher cut him off and told him to sit back down and to think about it for a while. When he thought he knew how to spell it, he could stand back up and try again.
Little Johnny raised his hand in excitement hoping to be acknowledged by the teacher. The teacher called on little Johnny to go next.
Johnny said, "My father is a bookie. B-O-O-K-I-E and if he was here today, he would give us all 20:1 odds Jeff will never be able to spell "accountant."

 

[Floorist]

Little Johnny was on a park bench stuffing all of his Halloween candy in his mouth.
An old lady came over and said. "Son, don't you know that eating all of that candy will rot your teeth, give you acne, and make you sick?"

"My grandfather lived to be 105 years old!" replied Johnny.

"Did he eat five candy bars at a sitting?" the old lady retorted.


"No," said Johnny, "but he minded his own freakin' business."

 

[Nick]

When is @#$% Acceptable?
There are only ten times in history where the"F" word has been considered acceptable for use.
They are as follows:


10. "What the @#$% do you mean,
we are sinking?"

-- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912

9. "What the @#$% was that?"

-- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

8. "Where did all those @#$% ing Indians come from?"

-- Custer, 1877


7. "Any @#$%ing idiot
could understand that."

-- Einstein, 1938


6. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"

-- Picasso, 1926


5. "How the @#$
did you work that out?"

-- Pythagoras, 126 BC


4. "You want WHAT
on the @#$%ing ceiling?"

-- Michelangelo, 1566


3. "Where the @#$% are we?"

-- Amelia Earhart, 1937


2. "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!"

-- Noah, 4314 BC


1. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"

-- Bill Clinton, 1998

 

[Nick]

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[Nick]

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[Nick]

For better digestion I drink beer,
in the case of appetite loss I drink white wine,
in the case of low blood pressure I drink red wine,
in the case of high blood pressure I drink scotch,
and when I have a cold I drink schnapps.”

“When do you drink water?”

“I’ve never been that sick!”

 

[Nick]

The mother-in-law stopped by to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

"What happened ?" she asked anxiously.

"What happened! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an E-mail to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my business trip. I get home, and guess what I found? My wife, your own daughter, with a guy in our bedroom! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever !"

"Calm down, calm down!" his mother-in-law said, "There is something very odd going on here. My daughter would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."

Moments later, the mother-in-law came back with a big smile.

"I told you there must be a simple explanation.. she didn't receive your E-mail !"

 

[Nick]

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[Nick]

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[Nick]

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[Floorist]

If you are ever attacked by a mob of clowns.
Make sure you go for the juggler!

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
I think I've forgotten this before.

I Just asked Siri, “Surely it's not going to rain today.”
She said, “It is, and don’t call me Shirley”
It seems that I forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode.

An executive was interviewing a young blonde woman for a position in his company. He wanted to learn something about her personality, so he asked,
"If you could have a conversation with anyone, living or dead, who would it be?" She quickly responded, "The living one."

 

[Floorist]

SEPARATION ANXIETY - a male disorder that occurs when the remote control slides into the seat cushion

 

[Floorist]

I solved the problem of too many visiting relatives.
I borrowed money from the rich ones and loaned it to the poor ones.
Now none of them come back.

How the diet going?"
"Not good, I had eggs for breakfast."
"Scrambled?"
"No, Cadbury."

Paddy and Mick are walking down the road and Paddy has a bag of doughnuts in his hand.
Paddy says to Mick: "If you can guess how many doughnuts are in my bag, you can have them both."

 

[Floorist]

What do you call someone who doesn't fart in public?
A private tutor.

Never ask a podiatrist about conversions to metric,
they only know feet.

A sign posted in a Dentist's office said:
"Please be nice to our dentists.
They have fillings too."

I do 5 sit-ups every morning! That may not sound like much to you,
but that is as many times as my snooze alarm will work.

 

[Nick]

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[zannej]

Earlier today I was talking about how my cat likes to hit the space bar and someone commented "As an alcoholic astronaut, I can sympathize". LOL!

 

[Floorist]

60% of the people in the world are stupid. I'm with the other 30%.

My husband wanted one of those big screen tv's. I moved his chair closer to the one we already have - it looks much bigger.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember, the fire department usually uses water.

 

[Nick]

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[Nick]

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