Jokes

[Floorist]

When it was clear that Bertha was dying, Betty visited her every day.

One day Betty said, “Bertha, we both loved playing softball all our lives, and we played all through high school. Please do me one favor: When you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s women’s softball there.”

Bertha looked up at Betty from her deathbed and said, “Betty, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favor for you.”

Shortly after that, Bertha passed on.

A few nights later, Betty was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, “Betty, Betty.”

“Who is it?” asked Betty, sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”

“Betty — it’s me, Bertha.”

“You’re not Bertha. Bertha just died.”

“I’m telling you, it’s me, Bertha,” insisted the voice.

“Bertha! Where are you?”

“In Heaven,” replied Bertha. “I have some really good news and a little bad news.”

“Tell me the good news first,” said Betty.

“The good news,” Bertha said, “is that there’s women’s softball in Heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before me are here, too. Even better than that, we’re all young again. Better still, it’s always springtime and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.”

“That’s fantastic,” said Betty. “It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what’s the bad news?”

“You’re pitching Tuesday.”

 

[Floorist]

Hillary phoned the president's office shortly after midnight. “I need to talk to the president, it’s an emergency!” exclaimed Hillary.





After some cajoling, the president’s assistant agreed to wake him up. “So, what is it that’s so important that it can’t wait until morning?” grumbled Trump.







“ A Supreme Court Judge just died, and I want to take his place.” begged Hillary.





“Well, it’s OK with me if it’s OK with the mortuary.” replied President Trump.

 

[Nick]

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[Nick]

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[zannej]

I was in Lowes with my mother and she was leading the way in her riding cart and chose an aisle to go down. As we were moseying along (Lowes' riding carts are not very fast) she made a comment about being blinded. I looked around and realized we were in the blinds section. LOL!

 

[Nick]

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[Nick]

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[Nick]

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[Nick]

Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate. This went on for weeks until the priest, overcome with curiosity, approached her. "Sister, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he noted.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and what I don't need I give to the church."

"That's wonderful, how much does he send you?" asked the priest.

"Oh, $2,000 a week." said the old lady.

"Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living?" questioned the priest.

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

The impressed priest said, "That is a very honorable profession. Where does he practice?"

"Well," said the lady, "he tells me he has one cat house in Kansas City and another in Dallas."

 

[Floorist]

U.S. Navy Commander was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.
While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the commander decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.
He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work"
and how much of it was "pleasure?"
A Lt. Commander chimed in with 75%-25% in favor of work.
A Lieutenant said it was 50%-50%.
A LTJG responded with 25%-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the commander turned to the Seaman who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for his opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young Seaman responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure.
The commander was surprised and as you might guess, asked why?
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."
The room fell silent.
God Bless the enlisted man.

 

[Nick]

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[Nick]

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[Nick]

Guys I need help, In the middle of an argument my wife said I was right, and I don't know what to do next ?

 

[Floorist]

Guys I need help, In the middle of an argument my wife said I was right, and I don't know what to do next ?

She lied.

 

[Floorist]

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[zannej]

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Reminds me of when my sister got us a Wii Fit for Christmas one year. At the time my brother was over 300lbs. He stepped on the board, it weighed him and the little high-pitched narration voice said "OW!" and then the text on the screen told him he was too heavy and to please get off.

 

[Nick]

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[Nick]

Once upon a time there lived a King who had the most beautiful daughter.

But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.

No matter what:
Metal
Wood
Stone
Anything she touched would melt.

Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.

The King despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?

He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the King,
'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.'

The King was overjoyed and came up with a plan.

The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an
object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the King's wealth.

THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel.

But alas, when the Princess touched it, it melted.
The prince went away sadly.
The second prince brought diamonds.
He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt.
But alas, once the Princess touched them, they melted.

He too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the Princess,
'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.'

The Princess did as she was told, though she turned red.

She felt some thing very hard. She held it in her hand. It did not melt!!!
The King was over joyed. Everybody in the kingdom was over joyed.

The Prince married the Princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question: What was in the Prince's pants?


M&M's of course! They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
What on earth were you thinking???

I DO WORRY ABOUT YOU AT TIMES!

 

[Floorist]

fishing