Jokes

[Nick]

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[Floorist]

woman on 1st tee gets stung by a bee. she goes to the greenskeeper and he asks where she got stung. woman replies--between the 1st and 2nd hole. GK replies, i cant do much about the bee, but i can tell you that your stance is too wide

 

[Nick]

Exercise for whoever:
With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your
sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and
then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can
lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more
than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

 

[Floorist]

The empty bags would be too much for me.

 

[Nick]

I found that out yesterday . Hurting today .

 

[Floorist]

The CIA had an opening for an assassin.
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists - two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her."

The man said "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife".
The agent said, "Then you are not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home".

The second man was given the same instructions.
He took the gun and went into the room.
All was quiet for about five minutes.
The man came out with tears in his eyes.
"I tried; but I can't kill my wife.
“The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. So take your wife and go home"

Finally, it was the woman's turn.
She was given the same instructions: to kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room.
Shots were heard one after another.
They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet.

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping sweat from her brow.
"The gun was loaded with blanks" she said.
"I had to kill him with the chair."

 

[Nick]

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[Floorist]

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've heard colleagues referring to people with Guts, or with Balls. Do they, however, know the difference between them?
Here's the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal: Volume 323; page 295.

GUTS - Is arriving home late, after a night out with the lads, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere? "

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: "You're next, Chubby"

I trust this clears up any confusion.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome; both are fatal.

 

[Nick]

 

[Nick]

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[Floorist]

Jerry

 

[Floorist]

Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.


Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 50 people, then it exploded.


When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital.