Jokes

[Floorist]

If someone from the 1950s suddenly appeared, what would be the most difficult thing to explain about life today?

One answer: “People possess a device in their pocket that is capable of accessing the entirety of information known to man.

And use it to look at pictures of cats and get into arguments with strangers.”

 

[Floorist]

The Shortest Books Ever Written

The Book of Virtue by Bill Clinton

My Plan to Find the Real Killers by OJ Simpson

Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean

America's Most Popular Lawyers

Everything Men Know About Women

Everything Women Know About Men

The Amish Phone Book

Complete Guide to Arab Democracies

UNIX Made Easy

List Of Rap Songs With Positive Messages

Mormon Divorce Lawyers

My Life in Baseball - by Michael Jordan

Why Public School Is Good For *Your* Child, by Chelsea Clinton

My Achievements as an Elected Official by Jesse Jackson

Conservative Democrats by Maxine Waters

The Joy of Sex by Hillary Clinton

How I served my country by Jane Fonda

Things I Love About Bill by Hillary Clinton

Things I Love About Hillary by Bill Clinton

My Accomplishments as President by Barrack Obama

Fun Travel Guide to Chicago by Rahm Emanuel

 

[Floorist]

'Modern Day Noah’s Ark'

In the year 2015, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in America, and said…



"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans."



He gave Noah the blueprints, saying…



"You have six months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard.... but no ark.

"Noah", He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah. "But things have changed.

- I needed a building permit.

- I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.

- My neighbours claim that I've violated the neighbourhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations.

- We had to go to VCAT for a decision.

- Then the electricity companies demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea.

- I argued that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem.

- There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl.

I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls. But no go!

When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an animal rights group.

They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will.

As well, they argued the accommodation was too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.

Also, the trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark building experience.

To make matters worse, the Tax Office seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.



So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked…



"You mean, You're not going to destroy the world?".

"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."

 

[Nick]

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[Floorist]

When everybody on earth passed on and were waiting to enter Heaven, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines: One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter."

Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men.

The line of men who were dominated by their wives was 1000 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.

God said to the long line, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves; I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."

God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."

 

[Nick]

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[Floorist]

Client to designer: “It doesn’t really look purple. It looks more like a mixture of red and blue.”

 

[Nick]

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[Nick]

 

[Nick]

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying,
"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."
The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this,
"God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."
The next day the grandmother died.
"Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say,
"God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.
He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.
He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee,
looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me.
This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson

 

[Nick]

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View attachment old man.jpg

 

[Floorist]

B.S.

 

[Floorist]

Once upon a time, the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a dry, uninhabitable desert.
Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night."
So they created a part-time night watchman position and hired a person for the job.
Then Congress said, "How can the part-time watchman ever do his job without instruction?"
So they created a planning department and hired people to write instructions, and others to do time studies.
Then Congress said, "How will we know the part-time night watchman is doing his tasks correctly?"
So they created the Quality Control Department and hired more people -- to do the studies and to write the reports.
Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?"
So they created time keepers and payroll officer positions and a budgetary unit.
Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?"
So they created an administrative section and hired more people, among them an Administrative Officer, an Assistant Administrative Officer, and an Administrative Officer and Assistant Liaison.
Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are already $1.2 million over budget, we must cut back on overall cost."
So they laid off the part-time night watchman.

 

[Nick]

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[Floorist]

Worse Punishment?
An Air Force cargo plane was preparing for departure from Thule Air Base in Greenland. They were waiting for the truck to arrive to pump out the aircraft's sewage holding tank.
The Aircraft Commander was in a hurry, the truck was late in arriving, and the Airman performing the job was extremely slow in getting the tank pumped out.
When the commander berated the Airman for his slowness and promised punishment, the Airman responded: "Sir, I have no stripes, it is 20 below zero, I'm stationed in Greenland, and I am pumping sewage out of airplanes. Just what are you going to do to punish me?"
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